Gulag Americana: Not a Joke

On June 30, 2006--

-- 2,245,189 prisoners were held in Federal or State prisons or in local jails -- an increase of 2.8% from midyear 2005, less than the average annual growth of 3.4% since year end 1995.
-- there were an estimated 497 prison inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents -- up from 411 at year end 1995.
-- the number of women under the jurisdiction of State or Federal prison authorities increased 4.8% from midyear 2005, reaching 111,403 and the number of men rose 2.7%, totaling 1,445,115.

At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000 Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males.

Old People

What Are Old People For?


Not
Too
Damned
Much

A Think Piece

A Think Piece

According to today's news, mice subjected to extraordinary stress generate a chemical which causes them to overeat and become obese. Scientists are considering ways to interfere with the pathway from stress-related-chemical to obesity thereby permitting the mice to remain stressed but svelte. The mice are so grateful.

"I am not a fascist!" says the Chainman

Special from Washington

"I am not a fascist!" says the Chainman.

Vice President Cheney stated unequivocally last night that he was not a "fascist". "You people ought to stop calling me a fascist!" complained the VP. "I am just above the law in all normal ways and trying to do my job!"

Meanwhile, back in NYC, former mayor Giuliani announced that he might really want to be vice president, instead of president, since it seemed like the VP had a lot of things going for him while any idiot could be president.

Demonstrators outside the White House could not figure out if they should be there or where ever the hell VP Cheney hangs out. They were carrying signs proclaiming,

WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! YOU HAVE NOTHING LOSE BUT YOUR CHENEYS!

Multinational Lauffs Complains about China

From the New York Times

Chinese Legislate Labor Law Reform: No Worker Left Behind!


"Passage of the measure came shortly after officials and the state news media unearthed the widespread use of slave labor in as many as 8,000 brick kilns and small coal mines in Shanxi and Henan Provinces. It was one of the most glaring labor scandals since China began adopting market-style economic policies a quarter century ago.
The police have freed nearly 600 workers, many of them teenagers, held against their will in factories owned or operated by well-connected businesspeople and local officials.

"Abuses of migrant laborers have been endemic in China, where millions of temporary workers have faced unpaid wages, unsafe working conditions and collusion between factory owners and local officials.

"“It will be more difficult to run a company here,” said Andreas W. Lauffs, head of Baker & McKenzie’s employment law group, which represents many of America’s biggest corporations in China."

Meanwhile, back in the U.S., immigrant workers continue to be abused, the Senate can't figure out a reform that would satisfy both corporations and nativists, and the right to choose a union continues to be honored in the breach. Now that's post-modernism!

Tooth Paste!

Defending Poison in Tooth Paste

Beijing, from a special correspondent

"What's the big deal?" says Chinese toothpaste manufacturer.

A leading toothpaste manufacturer expressed his bewilderment at US objections to small amounts of poison in toothpaste imported from China.

"How come all of a sudden you are getting upset about a little poison? The risk is minimal and the dentifrice is very cheap! Do the math!" said an industry spokesperson. "Isn't this the kind of reasoning you neoliberal one-world globalization assholes have been pushing? Cost-benefit? In any case, most of the people who've been given this stuff are in jail, so who gives a damn about them, and the others are poor people who buy in discount stores! And since when did you give a f+++ about poor people?"

We would normally expurgate such comments, but why censor such self-serving statements? "They are transparently ill-informed," said a high placed white house official. "We should just shut them up!"

Old Hurricane

Alice Williamson Diary



Eleazar Arthur Paine
________________________________________


(from Durham, Walter T. Rebellion Revisited, a History of Sumner County, Tennessee From 1861 to 1870. Sumner County Museum Association. Gallatin, Tennessee. 1982)

Throughout her diary Alice Williamson refers to him as E. A. Payne, Payne, Gen. P., Old Payne, Our king, Tempest, his lordship, old hurricane, Thunder Storm, and Old Marster, but his real name was Eleazar Arthur Paine. He was born on September 10, 1815, in Geauga City, Oh. He died on December 16, 1882 in Jersey City, NJ. He graduated from West Point 1839 and went on to be a lawyer and militia officer. After the war he practiced law. He was a cousin of Gen. H E Paine, who later became a congressman, and a bureaucrat. His Civil War service includes:
• July 1861 Col. of 9th Illinois, September 1861 appointed Brig. Gen. of Volunteers
• Commanded a brigade at Paducah
• Commanded 4th Division/Army of the Mississippi at New Madrid
• Island No 10, Ft. Pillow, Memphis
• Commanded 1st Division/Army of the Mississippi and District of West Kentucky
• Guarded railroads
• Resigned from millitary duty April 1865.
(from http://funnelweb.utcc.utk.edu/~hoemann/ung_p.html)
The following is a short table, showing some figures about the men and weapons under Paine's command, taken from The War of the Rebellion: a Compilation of the Official Records of the Union and Confederate Armies Ser.1, v.32 pt.3.
District of Nashville (Rousseau)
Officers Men Agg. present Agg. present and absent pieces of artillery
heavy field
Gallatin (Paine) 8 130 157 159 6
Gallatin was repressed by the brutal General Eleazor A. Paine, commander of the Union railroad guard from November 1862, to April, 1864. The occupying army in Gallatin had two assignments; protect the rail and water lines, and police the civilian population. In 1862, they built a fort at Gallatin, called Fort Thomas, that overlooked the town. The provost marshall stationed at the fort wa s given the responsibility of policing Gallatin.
During 1863 General Paine tightened military control over the Gallatin area. He did this by giving patriotic speeches to his troops, and getting support from the local newspapers. His men criss-crossed Summer County, looking for rebels and bushwhacker s. For example, in January, he took a large force eastward towards Kentucky, using cavalry to round up rebels.
His tyranny was always present. He was known all around Gallatin for executing suspected rebel spies without a trial. His sadistic executions like chasing down prisoners who were set free on old horses is described in Williamson’s diary as "chasing the fox with fresh horses". He also had a fondness for villagers’ furniture, confiscating it for his own use.
He was removed from the post April 29, 1864 by the orders of Major General William T. Sherman, who transferred him to Tullahoma to guard bridges across the Duck and Elk rivers. The following is the text of the order as published in The War of the Rebellion: a Compilation of the Official Records of the Union and Confederate Armies Ser.1, v.32 pt.3.

April 29, 1864
General Rousseau,
Nashville, Ten.: Order General Paine and the regiment now at Gallatin to Tullahoma, and give him charge of the defense of the road, embracing Duck and Elk River bridges. Replace Paine's troops by some guard at the bridges. The road north of Nashville is not important to me but the south is vital. Remember to place gun racks and muskets in all the forts and strong buildings, so that citizens may, if necessary, assist in the defense of Nashville. But there is no danger there now and cannot be for a month to come
W.T. Sherman
He was quickly back to his old ways, and soon he was under investigation. A congressional inquiry into his actions in Kentucky found him guilty on some counts, and punished him by reprimand at Paducah.
Eleazer A. Paine's son was mentioned by Alice as "Capt. Paine (Son of Tempest)", and was stationed at Gallatin for a time. His full name was Captain Phelps Paine.
(from Durham, Walter T. Rebellion Revisited, a History of Sumner County, Tennessee From 1861 to 1870 Sumner County Museum Association. Gallatin, Tennessee. 1982.)
http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/williamson/annotations/paine.html

E-Lexicon from our European Correspondent

Dear Crispy,

Here is some e-lexicon I have developed. I would like to encourage the blog readers to keep adding to the list.

New E-lexicon

Wratting: chat writing (as in "let’s wrat")
Skugging: hugging a loved one on Skype
Skissing: kissing a loved one on Skype
e-stalking: continuously reminding people of things by email (as in people who owe you book chapters for a book you are editing, or who owe you money, or anything else you have to keep reminding them to send you)
e-troduction – introducing people to each other on email

Natasha, European Correspondent

Institute for Nanny Technology

Special from Research Triangle, North Carolina

A new Institute for Nanny Technology has been launched in the Research Triangle, near Durham and Raleigh, North Carolina. "The scarcity of legal nannies has provoked a serious research effort," announced Tommie Thompson, former head of HHS and erstwhile Republican presidential aspirant. "Some say that they had to give me something just to stay out of the Presidential race, but I think that the problems of illegal immigrant nannies, shaken babies, and stuff like that, warrant serious investigation by highly qualified investigators." Critics have suggested that the institute be called the No-No Technology Center, but that was certainly not a serious suggestion.

Bush announces new Dept of Ontological Security

Washington, by special correspondent.

The Bush Administration announced this morning at the Sunday services of Alexandria's Re-Born and Forever (Coke-head No-more) Cathedral that the new Dept of Ontological Security would be headed by Tony Blair. Blair has recently retired as British Prime Minister and, according to UK tabloids, is converting to Roman Catholocism. This took him out of the running for Special Ambassador to the Mid-East for the Coalition of the Insane, but Condo Rice insisted that a spot be made for him. "This is the man who got down on his knees with the President!" said the Rice-person. "Ontology has got to be taken care of by such an ass-kissing piece of friendship!"



Ontological security also involves having a positive view of self, the world and the future.Ontological security is a stable mental state derived from a sense of continuity in regard to the events in one's life. Giddens (1991) refers to ontological security as a sense of order and continuity in regard to an individual’s experiences. He argues that this is reliant on people’s ability to give meaning to their lives. Meaning is found in experiencing positive and stable emotions, and by avoiding chaos and anxiety (ibid; Elias, 1985). If an event occurs that is not consistent with the meaning of an individual's life, this will threaten that individual's ontological security. from Wikipedia

Bloomberg Buys America!

New York, by a special reporter.

Mayor Bloomberg announced to day that rather than run for president his new strategy was to simply buy the United States. "After discussions with Soros, Buffett and Gates, I've decided that if we pool some of our resources, we can simply buy the whole damned place and stop this nonsense of corruption in Florida, Ohio, etc." "The people in Texas think too small," said a Bloomberg spokesman. "Think of all the money we'll save on elections, primaries, campaigns, all that bullshit. It's cost effective!"

Rupert Murdoch refused to answer our calls. He seems to feel that his game of buying all the newspapers in the world, plus television, etc., has been out-classed by the Davos Commies, as the new consortium is called.

Blair Turns Down Bank

London, special correspondent.

Tony Blair has turned down the job as head of the World Bank. "I'm concerned that the UK might need a loan pretty soon and I don't want to get into any conflicts of interest," said the retiring PM. "I have been thinking about running as an independent for the presidency in the US, but now the Republicans are offering me the spot, so I have to think through my plans." "Retirement is really great," said his old friend, Bill "Baby Face" Clinton. "I'd like to spend some time shooting old friends like the boys in Texas do." Blair and Clinton broke out into laughter when they saw Wolfie walk by. "London is a smashing place!" said all the old boys.

Hungarian Answer to Global Warming

Vote! New Words of 2007

Natasha, our European correspondent asks that you vote for one of the following "new words" of 2007.

Seagull Manager - manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then leaves.

Assmosis - the process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

Woofys. Well Off Older Folks.

Teletubbies Banned in Poland

Special From Europe: Hard Times Ahead

The International Schmucks Association recently has come up against - well actually come out against - the proposal of Barefoot Mohels to the Gates Foundation.

The Schmucks considered that the barefoot mohels were threatening to take over the territory traditionally considered to be the property of schmucks. Sounding more and more like a radical right-wing element, the ISA also made strong statements against "growing little things".

They said they only support big things; it makes them remember who they are and what they stand for.

When asked if the ISA could not support "growing small things" out of solidarity with steps to reverse global warming, the ISA president put up his two thumbs, replying, "See these? Schmucks look like this, and we like everything big. We like giving a hard time to everyone."

No further questions were put to the ISA following this supreme display of international ego-schmuckness.

Natasha, European Correspondent

Riddle

What's the difference between irony and cynicism?

Michael Baroody

Satan in Utah

CALEB WARNOCK - Daily Herald

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants.
The group was unable to take official action because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the
pleadings of party officials.
The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.
Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning
that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.
In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are
determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."
Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America"
and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.
At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the
U.S. "by self invasion."
Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as "Joe,"
said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name to the
Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop
flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we
do."

New CDC Program to Reduce Obesity!

Atlanta, Special to HG&W

The US Centers for Disease Control has unwrapped its brand new Anti-Obesity Campaign.
It relies heavily on imported food, but the Feds have every expectation that US companies will join the effort.

Panama Leads the Way

"A syrupy poison, diethylene glycol, is an indispensable part of the modern world, an industrial solvent and prime ingredient in antifreeze.

It is also a killer. And the deaths, if not intentional, are often no accident.

The kidneys fail first. Then the central nervous system begins to misfire. Paralysis spreads, making breathing difficult, then often impossible without assistance. In the end, most victims die.

Many of them are children, poisoned at the hands of their unsuspecting parents.

Over the years, the poison has been loaded into all varieties of medicine - cough syrup, fever medication, injectable drugs - a result of counterfeiters who profit by substituting the sweet-tasting solvent for a safe, more expensive syrup, usually glycerin, commonly used in drugs, food, toothpaste and other products.

Toxic syrup has figured in at least eight mass poisonings around the world in the past two decades. Researchers estimate that thousands have died. In many cases, the precise origin of the poison has never been determined. But records and interviews show that in three of the last four cases it was made in China, a major source of counterfeit drugs.

Panama is the most recent victim. Last year, government officials there unwittingly mixed diethylene glycol into 260,000 bottles of cold medicine - with devastating results. Families have reported 365 deaths from the poison, 100 of which have been confirmed so far. With the onset of the rainy season, investigators are racing to exhume as many potential victims as possible before bodies decompose even more.

The Panama death toll leads directly to Chinese companies that made and exported the poison as 99.5 percent pure glycerin."

Meanwhile, back in the US,

20 Million Melamine-Fed Chickens Released to Market

"The U.S. Department of Agriculture said today that some 20 million chickens that ate feed contaminated with melamine will be released to market. The chickens had been held on farms in several states.
"In several cases, feed samples have tested negative for melamine and related compounds," USDA said in a statement. "It is assumed that because only small amounts of the contaminated feed were mixed with other rations, the melamine and related compounds were no longer detectable."

Last week, USDA said there were 38 farms in Indiana where some 3.1 million chickens may have eaten tainted feed in February, but were slaughtered and sent to market. Also, about 6,000 hogs in six states may have also eaten contaminated feed.

A hold was placed on the 20 million birds late Friday as the melamine investigation continued.

An assessment conducted by scientists from five federal agencies concluded today that there is "very low risk to human health" from consuming meat from hogs and chickens that ate feed supplemented with pet food scraps that contained melamine and melamine-related compounds.

In the most extreme risk assessment scenario, when scientists assumed that all the solid food a person consumes in an entire day was contaminated with melamine at the levels observed in animals fed contaminated feed, the potential exposure was about 2,500 times lower than the dose considered safe.

It was well below any level of public health concern, the government scientists said.

The risk assessment is a component of the continuing federal joint investigation into imported wheat gluten and rice protein concentrate from China that contained melamine and melamine-related compounds.

It first showed up in pet food that killed thousands of cats and dogs earlier this year. Last week, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced the pet food had been eaten by three million chickens and hogs in six states.

The risk assessment was conducted by scientists from the Food and Drug Administration, FDA, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention of the Department of Health and Human Services, the Environmental Protection Agency, U.S. Customs and Border Protection of the Department of Homeland Security and the Food Safety and Inspection Service of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

This team is now compiling a scientific assessment of the risk to animal health associated with ingestion of animal feed containing melamine and its compounds.

To ensure no further contaminated products enter the U.S., the federal government will continue to monitor imported wheat and corn gluten as well as rice protein concentrate and isolates arriving from all countries destined for human and animal consumption.

The FDA import alert for these products sourced from China remains in effect and U.S. Customs and Border Protection will continue laboratory testing of the products as they enter the United States. The inspections are a precautionary measure, said the FDA, adding, "There is no evidence to suggest products bound for the human food supply are contaminated."

Absolutely not!! And you who think the FDA or the Department of Agriculture might bullshit us, SHAME ON YOU!

Schmucks Strike Back!

Washington (Special to the HG&W)

In two actions yesterday, the Schmucks International struck back at the neo-liberal establishment. At 6AM, as the sun rose, Washington saw that the Washington Monument, a giant schmuck if I ever saw one, had been painted pink. "This is another example of unleashed and unreasonable gay activism!" said the President of the Free World. "We will defend ourselves with all the strength, blood, sweat, etc. It looks like the Schmucks have joined the Gays!"

Meanwhile, Sunday afternoon at the Vatican Museum was a shock. All the penises that had been broken off Greek statues had been superglued back on and in an anatomically correct manner. "What are we to do," said the German Pope, "when the conspiracy of Schmucken has widened to this extent!!!"

The only comforting news for the anti-schmuck forces was the assurance from Pakistan that they were not sheltering the Schmuck forces. "What a relief!" said the leader of the free world and the pope.

The War on Schmucks

Washington, Special to the HG&W

President Whatever has announced that the US has declared a new war, a War on Schmucks.

"Exactly what is a schmuck?" queried the President rhetorically. "A schmuck is anybody I don't like! And there are a lot of them, so watch out!"

"I think this is a misuse of the term 'schmuck'," stated Elie Wiesel, BU Professor of Bad Stuff. "Schmuck is a really Yiddish thing and the term should not be bandied about."

Ali Tarminian responded for the Armenian Insurgency: "Schmuck is not the property of the Jews! If Bush or Whatever wants to declare a war on schmucks, that's his right as leader of the Free World!"

"No! No!" said Helmut Schultz. "Schmuck has a very particular meaning -- and it is meaningless to talk about a war on ornaments!"

President Whatever said that he was deeply concerned about the weapons of mass seduction that he's heard were being kept in the hills by a "bunch of schmucks." "We will show no mercy!, said VP Cheney. "Why I shot some schmuck in the head on a recent hunting trip and it felt great!"

Hard Times Then and Now

"Surely there never was such fragile china-ware as that of which the
millers of Coketown were made. Handle them never so lightly, and they
fell to pieces with such ease that you might suspect them of having
been flawed before. They were ruined, when they were required to send
labouring children to school; they were ruined when inspectors were
appointed to look into their works; they were ruined, when such
inspectors considered it doubtful whether they were quite justified in
chopping people up with their machinery; they were utterly undone, when
it was hinted that perhaps they need not always make quite so much
smoke."

Charles Dickens, Hard Times

OSHA Goes Down Better With Coke

AMAZING GRACE

W. R. Grace & Co.





Number of sites linked to this company, and its subsidiaries, by status on the EPA’s

National Priorities List:

Proposed for list: FAQs 0

Currently on list: FAQs 42

Deleted from list (cleaned up): FAQs 6

Total sites: 48



Federal Money and Influence

Campaign Contributions (1998-2006): $495,000
Federal Lobbying (1998-2005): $2,300,000
Travel sponsored for EPA officials (1997-2005): $0
Travel sponsored for congressional officials (1998-2005): $0



Superfund sites linked to this company:

Site Name City State Single-/Multi-Party Responsibility

29TH & MEAD GROUND WATER CONTAMINATION WICHITA KS Multi
AQUA-TECH ENVIRONMENTAL INC (GROCE LABS) GREER SC Multi
AUBURN ROAD LANDFILL LONDONDERRY NH Multi
BIO-ECOLOGY SYSTEMS, INC. GRAND PRAIRIE TX Multi
CANNON ENGINEERING CORP. (CEC) BRIDGEWATER MA Multi
CAROLAWN, INC. FORT LAWN SC Multi
CENTRAL CHEMICAL (HAGERSTOWN) HAGERSTOWN MD Multi
CHARLES-GEORGE RECLAMATION TRUST LANDFILL TYNGSBOROUGH MA Multi
CHEMSOL, INC. PISCATAWAY NJ Multi
FRENCH, LTD. CROSBY TX Multi
GEMS LANDFILL GLOUCESTER TOWNSHIP NJ Multi
GOLDEN STRIP SEPTIC TANK SERVICE SIMPSONVILLE SC Multi
GREEN RIVER DISPOSAL, INC. MACEO KY Multi
HARDAGE/CRINER CRINER OK Multi
IRON HORSE PARK BILLERICA MA Multi
KEEFE ENVIRONMENTAL SERVICES (KES) EPPING NH Multi
LANDFILL & RESOURCE RECOVERY, INC. (L&RR) NORTH SMITHFIELD RI Multi
LIBBY ASBESTOS SITE LIBBY MT Multi
MAXEY FLATS NUCLEAR DISPOSAL HILLSBORO KY Multi
METAMORA LANDFILL METAMORA MI Multi
MOTOR WHEEL, INC. LANSING TOWNSHIP MI Multi
MOYERS LANDFILL EAGLEVILLE PA Multi
NOVAK SANITARY LANDFILL SOUTH WHITEHALL TOWNSHIP PA Multi
OPERATING INDUSTRIES, INC., LANDFILL MONTEREY PARK CA Multi
OTTATI & GOSS/KINGSTON STEEL DRUM KINGSTON NH Multi
PEAK OIL CO./BAY DRUM CO. TAMPA FL Multi
PETROLEUM PRODUCTS CORP. PEMBROKE PARK FL Multi
PLYMOUTH HARBOR/CANNON ENGINEERING CORP. PLYMOUTH MA Multi
POLLUTION ABATEMENT SERVICES OSWEGO NY Multi
RENORA, INC. EDISON TOWNSHIP NJ Multi
RE-SOLVE, INC. DARTMOUTH MA Multi
ROCK HILL CHEMICAL CO. ROCK HILL SC Multi
SCIENTIFIC CHEMICAL PROCESSING CARLSTADT NJ Multi
SCRDI BLUFF ROAD COLUMBIA SC Multi
SHERIDAN DISPOSAL SERVICES HEMPSTEAD TX Multi
SILRESIM CHEMICAL CORP. LOWELL MA Multi
SOUTH 8TH STREET LANDFILL WEST MEMPHIS AR Multi
SPECTRON, INC. ELKTON MD Multi
SYLVESTER NASHUA NH Multi
TAYLOR ROAD LANDFILL SEFFNER FL Multi
TINKHAM GARAGE LONDONDERRY NH Multi
W.R. GRACE & CO., INC. (ACTON PLANT) ACTON MA Single
W.R. GRACE & CO., INC./WAYNE INTERIM STORAGE SITE (USDOE)
WAYNE TOWNSHIP NJ Single
WATSON JOHNSON LANDFILL RICHLAND TOWNSHIP PA Single
WAUCONDA SAND & GRAVEL WAUCONDA IL Multi
WELLS G&H WOBURN MA Multi
WESTERN PROCESSING CO., INC. KENT WA Multi
ZELLWOOD GROUND WATER CONTAMINATION ZELLWOOD FL Multi



© 2007, The Center for Public Integrity. All rights reserved.

Bush Abdicates; To Head Yale Divinity

New Haven (special to the HG&W)

President Bush has decided to resign and take up the leadership of Yale Divinity School. The Saudis have promised a major donation with the understanding that the school will be re-named for Osama Bin Laden. "It is only right that the school honor the man who kept GWB in office!" said a spokesman for the King. "My only concern about this move," said Pres. Bush, "is that there are all these Hebrew letters on the Yale emblem. They really have to go!"

Foucault U.: Corporate Education Head

In case you were wondering

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHERE THE TREASURE IS BURIED:

Live from The Front

Live from Santiago: More news about the Coup

"Did you actually imagine that there would be no consequences?" asked the secret source of information. "I find it amazing that people of principle can attack others, destroy their careers and reputations, and then not understand that there may be consequences!"

This is the fourth day of siege of the presidential palace. Some people think that this is about ideology, others imagine it is about high principles. But the central issue, according to a highly informed secret informer, is the question of key to the men's room. "How can it any longer be a men's room if a woman is going to use it?" asked one idiot. "Isn't she just so ambitious and pushy?" asked another.

"I love academic politics!" said an even more undercover source. "It's about nothing, blood is spilled, and nobody even gets to ride the fire truck! What a pisser!"

Foucault U.: Big Changes!

FOUCAULT U. DEPRIVED OF ITS PROVOST

Santiago, special to Hartford Gazette

One of the leading but smaller universities has been deprived of its multicultural multitasking multilingual academic leadership. Professor J. Woodfellow has agreed to step down after being stepped upon one time too many.

"Nano this, nano that!", he is reported to have said. "Nano up yours!"

Woodfellow will not return to the slums as originally reported. His close associate, Prof. F. Asperilligus, assured confidential sources off the record that the deposed provost would be taken care of.

Meanwhile, in rural Santiago, the Irony Workers Union had a rally to protest the brutal nature of the anti-Woodfellow coup. The Deconstruction Workers Association sported signs deriding the administration: "Easy Come, Easy Go!"

April Love

http://badgerblogger.com/img/RinosScrewGOP.jpg

Truth Stranger than Satire: on Sellafield

From The Times

April 18, 2007

Sellafield kept workers’ body parts for research

Christina Buckley and Rajeev Syal

The Sellafield nuclear site secretly stored and tested the hearts, lungs and other organs of some of its former workers over a period of 30 years, The Times has learnt.

From the 1960s to the 1990s, body parts from at least 65 employees who worked at Britain’s biggest nuclear plant were taken to the site after postmortem examinations for radiation and were kept in freezers.

British Nuclear Group (BNG), which now runs Sellafield, claimed yesterday that in 61 cases the removal was done on the authority of a coroner. However, The Times understands that the families of the deceased were never informed and their consent not obtained. In four cases BNG has no record of any mandate at all. The body parts were destroyed by the testing process although some were kept for several months.

Alistair Darling, the Trade and Industry Secretary, will make an emergency statement to the Commons today. He is expected to launch an independent inquiry, the findings of which will be made public. BNG may have to comb through 20,000 medical records of deceased employees to determine the extent of the problem.
Related Links

* Families demand end to Sellafield’s silence

* Sellafield rapped over 'lost' plutonium

In 1977 the UK Atomic Energy Authority, which controlled Sellafield, declared that there was no risk attached to working at the plant. However, the disclosures reveal that it continued secretly to test its employees’ bodies for another 15 years.

The revelation has striking parallels with the Alder Hey hospital scandal, where body parts from more than 850 infants were stored in more than 2,000 containers on the secret orders of doctor. A spokesman for the Department of Trade and Industry, the nuclear industry’s sponsor department, said: “The prime concern is the feelings of the families. There are clearly a large number of matters that need investigating dating back to the 1960s.” BNG is expected to try to contact all the families it can.

Paul Noon, general secretary of Prospect, the union representing nuclear scientists and engineers at Sellafield, formerly known as Windscale, said: “This issue must be treated in an open and transparent way to protect the interests of the affected families, employees across the nuclear industry today, and the wider public interest. Full disclosure must be the first step and of course an undertaking that such practices will never again be pursued.”

BNG said that the practice of taking some organs from deceased employees began in 1962 and stopped in 1992. The controversy has only come to light now because a research group recently asked for permission to reanalyse some data taken from the tests. That request went before a medical committee of BNG, at which it emerged that there was no evidence of family consent.

At the time of the testing the UK Atomic Energy Authority was a full government agency. Although BNG is still state-owned it is operates at arm’s-length from the Government and is being broken up for sale. The management of Sellafield is the jewel in the crown of the privatisation and will go to private business.

The scandal will hit families hard in the close-knit community of Whitehaven, where most workers have traditionally lived since the plant became a big employer in the 1960s.

Taking body organs without permission is illegal after the scandal at Alder Hey in Liverpool. Parents were not told of the removal of their children’s organs, a practice carried out between 1988 and 1995.

The scandal, and a similar episode at Bristol Royal Infirmary, prompted new legislation. By 2005, coroners had lost the right to demand the retention of tissue from a postmortem examination, even if the cause of death was still unclear.

BNG will not comment on the results of the testing, although it is believed that none of the workers died from radiation poisoning and that their body parts were tested for the effects of long-term radiation exposure.

In February 1977 Geoffrey Schofield, the British Nuclear Fuels chief medical officer, announced an inquiry into whether or not the plant was dangerous to work in. The medical records of 20,000 people who had worked there were examined and it was concluded that there was no additional risk.

NAWA calls for draft in wake of Blacksburgh

Washington, D.C. From a special correspondent.

The shootings in Virginia have raised many questions about the American gun culture -- and about the need, some say, for tighter regulation of guns. "That's not right!" says Charley Heston, spokesperson for the National Automatic Weapon Association. "What we need," says Mr. Heston, "is a return to the draft! National military service would have prevented the deaths of all those students. Why it's safer for Americans in downtown Baghdad than on a college campus!"

Mr. Heston's companion, Ronald R. Rambo, also out on a damage control mission for NAWA, suggested that even the shooter would have been better off in the military. "Kill all you can kill! That's our new motto!" said young Rambo.

We think there's something to be said for the NAWA's new policy position. What's your thinking on this?

Energy Alternatives

An Alternative Approach to Command/Control OSHA

(This is not a joke. I did not make it up. I copied from real website. Crispy)


Corporate Chaplains of America

A large percentage of people today do not have any relationship with a church or other organized religious group. Often rushed for time, their beliefs and personal needs take a back seat to the meetings, deadlines, and agendas of the workplace. Yet, the problems at home don't go away...they are simply brought, as emotional baggage, to work each day. Corporate Chaplains of America was founded in 1996 to provide genuine “Caring in the Workplace”, while following a structured business plan built upon process management principles.

The organization employs full time, long term, career chaplains who combine workplace experience with professional chaplaincy training. In addition to holding seminary level or higher degrees, all chaplains will pursue certification through 154 hours of continuing education within the first year of tenure.

Desiring to be America’s leading full time corporate chaplain agency, Corporate Chaplains of America was the first to provide:

A process managed system to provide seamless integration of its chaplaincy system into companies large and small, public and private, serving businesses in practically every SIC industry classification. Some clients employ as few as 10 associates, while others have in excess of 10,000.

* An exclusively full time workforce of highly trained professional chaplains with an exceptionally high retention rate in excess of 93% over the history of the organization.
* Significant investment (more than one half million dollars) in integrated continuing education systems designed to keep chaplain skills current.
* Long term career pathways for chaplains and support staff.
* Full time headquarters staff dedicated exclusively to chaplain recruitment.
* Branded uniform clothing consistent with workplace environment.
* Universal continuing education training and emotional decompression events. Three times per year all chaplains retreat from the field as a group for three days to recharge emotionally and enhance skills.
* Strong financial controls, leading to the top financial ranking of any agency in the industry according to Guidestar.com, a non-profit watchdog group.

The organizational vision of Corporate Chaplains of America is to employ over 1,000 full time chaplains, serving over one million employees by 2012.

Corporate Chaplains of America incorporates a variety of means for caring in the workplace. These include any or all of the following: confidential care giving, crisis intervention, management consultation, programs for worship or prayer, referral to other professionals and agencies, training and education for employees and supervisors, employee/community/church relations and programs, and special events scheduled in response to needs which arise in the workplace. Whatever the scope of each family's problems or concerns, Corporate Chaplains of America has a network of qualified and caring outsource providers that can help.

With nearly 100,000 associates under chaplain care, Corporate Chaplains of America has never encountered a complaint regarding overstepping the faith boundaries of a client. At Corporate Chaplains of America, a decade of “Caring in the Workplace” is not merely a slogan, it is a way of life.

Chaplain Bottleneck Threatens War Effort

All Things Considered, March 1, 2007 · Nationwide, 40 percent of the National Guard's chaplain vacancies remain unfulfilled. In response, the National Guard has increased incentives for chaplains and produced new recruitment materials, including "Courageous Spirit," a DVD targeting clergy who might consider joining up. Iowa, Texas, Washington, and states in the Northeast are all lacking sufficient numbers of National Guard chaplains.

Baghdad, Special from an Embedded Rebbi:

Troops have decided that they cannot go into battle today without adequate chaplaincy service. Iowa and Texas National Guard units are both demanding Evangelicals to join them in the fight, but so far no luck! "Where could we put up a tent?," said one informed source. "Do they have tv in Iraq?" queried another. Field commanders said that they would be more than willing to find vacant storefronts to convert to religious purposes.

"This war will come to a screeching halt," said a Pentagon spokesman. "We may have to contract out chaplaincy, religious healing, rapture, whatever. I'm sure Halliburton will be able to come up with something."

St. Fluenza Canonized!

Vatican City: Inter-religious Press Dispatch

Saint Fluenza Canonized! He Puked for our Sins!

In a surprise announcement, the Vatican announced today that Father Lou Fluenza has been canonized for his amazing martyrdom and the subsequent cures that Polish Freedom Fighters have reported for the last century. Father Flu, as he was affectionately known, shit and puked for days and days, far beyond what is required by the normal flu virus, and survived to spend the rest of his days in the high Tatras, muttering about his bowels and curing the innocent. Confirmation of the miracles he rendered has arrived recently with the opening of the previously-restricted Soviet KGB medical files.

"Just because he was an informer," said the Bishop of Cracow, "that's no reason to deny the good that St. Flu did!"

St. Fluenza's remains, especially his carefully preserved entrails, are to be exhumed and flown Italy where they will be kept in a special crypt. Miracle cures can be arranged by appointment only.

ROVE FOR PREZ!

Idaho: Carlos Rove announced his candidacy for President of the United States today. He is the 112th contender in the vicious Republican Party competition for the nomination.

"What's the point in having all the responsibility, taking all the blame, if you don't have the title?" stated Mr. Rove. ""I think I'll ask Alfredo Gonzales to be my running rate. We should get those trains going on time!"

Mr. Gonzales did not comment on the Rove announcement. "I've been doing all his dirty work," said the Attorney General. "I ought to get something out of all this shit!"

Rove also commented that Scooter Libby would be his chief of staff if he could get him a pardon from the present President. "Scooter is a stand-up guy," said Mr. Rove. "If we can't get him out, I'll give him Atlantic City."

Words Out!

Word Ban Takes Effect Monday

Writers stunned! Speakers worried! The inarticulate happy!

Washington, March 26:

A little known provision of the Patriot Act will go into force on Monday, April 2. All words will be banned. Not only commercial words, political words and dirty words: all of them.

"We were concerned that many people were speaking out of turn," said VP Cheney, " so we thought, what the hell, let's just get rid of them all."

Commentators noted that schools would remain open and tv sets could remain on, but no words would be said or taught. "Oh well," said President Bush, "I never liked them anyway."

LIQUID ASSETS, LLC

Is your market disappearing?

Is your plant old and antiquated?

Are you moving shop to Indonesia?

YOU NEED LIQUID ASSETS, LLC!!!!

We'll take care of your needs.
Perhaps a little collateral damage,
but life is risky!

Call us, WE CAN LIGHT YOUR FIRE!!

LUCY WAS A SLUT!

National Geographic reports:



According to researchers at the University of Florida, Lucy got lice from some hunky gorilla.

"The transfer occurred about 3.3 million years ago, said study leader David Reed, of the University of Florida in Gainesville. That's when the gorilla louse and the human pubic louse separated into distinct species, the research revealed."

In typical humanist apologia, NG said:

"Modern humans (Homo sapiens) weren't around at the time. So the first to be infested by the new lice species were probably Australopithecus, a group of human ancestors that include the famous "Lucy" fossil."

Right! Blame it on the Australians again!

According to NG, "Prior to the transfer our ancestors were troubled by only one species of body louse, as chimpanzees and gorillas are today. Why humans can harbor two species—head lice and pubic lice—has been a mystery until now."

Gee, the magazine wonders:

"The discovery raises the same vexing question faced by anyone who has contracted pubic lice: How exactly did this happen?

"Pubic lice are spread most commonly through sexual contact, but that's not necessarily how our ancestors acquired the parasite from gorillas."

"Unfortunately, we'll never know for sure," Reed said. "Given that the [gorilla louse] species occurs primarily in the pubic region, it is quite possible that the lice were transmitted sexually."

Well, it certainly wasn't picked up on a toilet seat!

Devout Horny Animal About to Receive Communion

Engendering Species

DENVER, Colorado March 14, 2007 (ENS) - The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is proposing to delete 25,413 acres of the Rocky Flats Plant Superfund site in Jefferson and Boulder Counties, Colorado, from the Superfund List and designate it as a national wildlife refuge.

The 1,308 acre Central Operable Unit at the former nuclear weapons production plant is not being considered for deletion and will remain on the Superfund List.

Useless Airways New Hub in NY

Batavia, New York (Special from our own correspondent)

UselessAirways has announced that it is opening a new hub for its services right here in Batavia. We had always wondered where the so-called "cancelled" flights were when we needed them and it turns out that here they were in Batavia. Useless spokesman, Artemis Plughead, said, "This is much better! Now when you ask Where is the fucking airplane? we can answer, It's in Batavia, you stupid fool! That's where tired airplanes rest!"

Blackjack Without Harm

Something from the Debate in New Jersey

"Surely, the powerful and creative minds who built the colossal
monuments of the gambling industry in Atlantic City can conjure up ways
to keep luring people to casinos without killing the help," Senator
Vitale said.

(Thanks to JZ)

IMF/World Bank/ WTO Middle East Plan

Meek Not Getting Earth After All

BREAKING NEWS

Washington, D.C. In a White House announcement today, the Bush Administration announced that "the meek were not going to inherit the earth after all". Informed sources indicated that the rich were going to keep everything. "The rich, actually," quoth a senor official, " never really intended to give anything away at all. At least, that's as far as we know. The meek will stay right where they are and experience disease and injury the way they alway have. Too bad, huh!"

Long Live the Queen!

Meek Getting Earth

Meek Getting Earth; Pushy get Everything Else


Orlando, Florida: NASA announced today that the meek would be given everything on earth, while the audacious would get everything else. This announcement coincided with the Bush Administration concession that global climate change is in fact a major issue, that polar bears were drowning in the melting Arctic and that New York would not need to replace the World Trade Center since it would all soon be under water.

"What the hell," said the President. "Let them have a few good days! We're leaving for Uranus pretty soon and taking the Saudis with us."

NIH Runs for Money

Bethesda, Maryland. By a special correspondent.

Whispers abound at the National Institute of Health about a proposal that NIH researchers -- including staff at everything from the National Cancer Institute to the National Institute for Heart, Lung, Guts, and Foot Disease -- be required to participate in a foot race to be held on the banks of the Potomac. The top 20% of the runners will be permitted to submit research proposals within NIH, but only if they are sporting company logos. Rumors indicate that Squibb and Pfizer will field teams of runners, while Philip Morris has indicated that it will sponsor only the cookie division, not the smokeless tobacco. Coca Cola is offering free running shoes, while Bayer is sponsoring a "Gesundheit" team.

But of course, this is just a rumor. Far more likely that NIH will be privatized in the next year.

Hungarian Blue-eyed Cat

Faust meets Mephistopholes

Harvard Reveals All

Summers Speaks Out

In a face-to-face interview, Joe Summers, beer-drinking brother of the former Harvard president, revealed the inner workings of the highest level of the elite unniversity.

"First of all," said Joe, " the family was not , I repeat not, involved in insider training in the former Soviet Union. Recent reports in the London Review of Books claiming that he was somehow implicated in one of his friends shenanigans are absolutely untrue." Further, said Joe, "The loss of $26.5 million in fines because of those unsavory events had nothing to do with my brother's downfall. After all, that kind of money is small change at Harvard! No, it was his disgusting sexism that probably finished him off."

Sitting on the back porch of his shack in Alabama, Joe said, "I was sort of hoping that Anna Nicole was going to be the new prez, but oops! she was gone and they were stuck with some Cliffy. Oh well."

Communique

Communique

I.

So many wars, fought simultaneously,

Every animal on high alert, impossible

To know which war will catch you up

Or cast you out like a flounder flapping,

You, I, we were looking the wrong way

Because of eye placement, friends

Disappear and others struggle back

To the shifting surfaces, battleground –

Welcome home, poet of detox!

I thought an enemy machine gun

Shot you full of holes and left us

Bereft of spinning mantras – Salud!

II.

Of course, I am terrified. In France, in England,

They are killing turkeys, chickens, all because

An exotic dancer flown in from viral Asia

Had a night with the cock of the flock –

I see birds everywhere! The sparrow knocking

At my window chirps about failed supplies

Of sunflower seed, suet, after all these years,

She says, you abandon me! Ficklehood!

Gray squirrels conspire as they race, branch

To branch, whisper about global warming,

They say that humans are destroying habitat,

See, they say, humans are killing birds,

Expelling migrants, building airports where

Monarchs rested on their way to Mexico,

Only money is free these days, and we,

They say, have only nuts!

III.

I see Otis Redding, weeping

By the waters of Babylon.

Leonard Cohen is back,

Sings about the Rose who gave him head,

I love his Montreal whine.

And Durgananda is once more Sally,

I get messages from her assistant,

You can be less of an asshole

If you learn to meditate.

IV.

I don’t know if you’ve been reading

The papers but Iraq has gone to shit.

Corpses are piled on all sides, no one

Wins this war except the profiteers

(had to dig that word out of century-

Old pamphlets).

Most everyone would prefer

The war to end, but there is

No urgency in this discomfort.

Solutions: Global Warming

Grow little things.

The Bush Family Library

(Photo courtesy of Grumman, Northrup, whatever)

The desire of George Bush the Younger to have a library for his book has caused so much controversy among Methodists that the MSU proposal has been withdrawn, according to some sources. As an alternative, a spare cabin on the Bush ship christened last year will be devoted to the book. No one is quite clear on the name of the book, but suggestions have been solicited from the public.

VPP Note: It's a good thing that worker is wearing a hard hat because, if the crane slipped, he could really get hurt!

Alternatives to Thinking About Who the Dems Should Run

New words for 2007 you can help spread

(Contributed by Natasha, our European correspondent)

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then leaves.

Assmosis - the process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

Testiculating - waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

SITCOMS - single income, two children, and oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn in to when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids and then wants to start a home business.

SINBAD - Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriends and desperate.

Stress puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall in to the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administrate trivia of needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 not found meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise you have made a big mistake (eg you've hit reply to all).

Beer Coat - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am

Salad Dodger - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Cube farm. An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Mouse Potato. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


Swipeout. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Xerox Subsidy. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Irritainment. Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Generica. Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...

Woofys. Well Off Older Folks.

Crop Dusting. Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust

A Message from the South

Labor Market Flexibility

Tony Gramsky, Secret Agent

SECRET POLISH FILES REVEAL: GRAMSKY WAS CZARIST SPY!


Warsaw: Recently uncovered files in Warsaw indicate that Tony Gramsky, aka Antonio Gramsci, was sent to Italy by the Czarist Cheka to infiltrate and undermine the Italian Communist Party. Instead of engaging in revolutionary warfare against El Duce, Gramsky sat in his luxurious prison quarters and penned nonsensical notes about "hegemony," "historical blocs" -- all as an excuse to delay the PCI with endless debates.

Gramsky, however, was never told that the Russian monarchy was irretrievably lost and, much as the Japanese soldiers who hid in caves long after WW II was over, he continued to write pseudo-sophisticated analyses of fascism, capitalism, and imperialism. In the files, our sources tell us, are records of his actual feelings about the lower classes: "stupid", "vulgar", "deserving
of their impoverishment." "The reason why we must have divinely selected monarchs, " he scribbled in his secret diary," is because they are the only ones who know shit about anything. And the Czar mixes a mean negroni. And his wife, hoo ha! She is some queen!" And he wrote other stuff like that.

All of this led to the Italian communists becoming the best dressed social democrats in all of Europe, not right away of course, but it still happened! And poor Tony never learned that he was on Mission Impossible. The documents, our well-informed source claimed, were produced by a consultant who had no financial interest in the sale of the papers.

The American Collective in Beijing

washing machine>>maytag repair man

THE AMERICAN WAY: A LAUNDRAMAT IN BEIJING


As an experiment in transferring American collectivism and cooperation to formerly Communist China, USAID is opening a laundramat in Beijing.

"Through this modality," said President Bush, "the Chinese will learn to appreciate the benefits of cooperation and collective work. Spreading American ideals is a top goal of my administration -- and here it is!."

The president of Maytag Washing and Ironing Company smiled his agreement: "In the new century we have espoused the fundamental virtues of Fourierism. Let not the labels of the past eras mask our new look: doing well by doing good!"

The Naturalist

Priceless

Meeting-Fried Brain

Meeting-fried Brain: A New Delicacy

You can do it on the phone! On your laptop! Franz Kafka Augusto Pinochet Toni Morrison Be not afraid! Meet and eat!!

Borrowed from:

Copyright © 2000-2001 Brain-Juice.Com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. email : info@brain-juice.com

Nice belt -- !

Give Us a Kiss, Honey!

Presi

Gerald Ford: What a Guy!

Gerald Ford: What a Guy!

Curt Gentry, in J. Edgar Hoover, The Man and His Secrets (1991), had some things to say about Gerald Ford – This is not a spoof.

“Impressed with a young Republican congressional hopeful in Michigan, the Bureau (FBI) in 1946 arranged support for Gerald Ford, who expressed his thanks in his maiden speech by asking for a pay raise for J. Edgar Hoover.” (p. 384)

“The (Warren) commission member Ford opposed criticizing the FBI for having failed to inform the Secret Service that Oswald was in Dallas and working in a building located on the parade route, but Chairman Warren insisted it go in …” (p. 556)

“… Hoover’s informant on the (Warren) commission was Representative Gerald Ford.” (p. 557)

“Although there was no evidence that (Supreme Court Justice) Douglas had Mafia connections, it could be made to seem that way, and Hoover passed on this information, first to Attorney General Mitchell and later to Congressman Gerald Ford, who would lead the Douglas impeachment fight.” (p. 628) Nixon asked Hoover to pass on the information that an extract of Douglas’s book, Points of Rebellion, had been published in Evergreen Review. Hoover gave the information to Ford, “which he used, but it didn’t help” The 924-page House report cleared Douglas. (pp. 629-630)

When Hale Boggs, Democratic majority leader in the House, called for Hoover’s resignation in 1971, only Gerald Ford stood up to defend him and the FBI. “They are humans, as we are,” quoth Ford. (p. 667)

.

Poetry at the Lawrence Farmer's Market, 2006

Sustainable Development Program

The Romney Solution

Romney and Health Insurance

Basing his approach to the crisis in health care
on his father's auto industry experience,

Young Romney, just stepped down as governor
of Massachusetts and setting his sights
on the White House, has come up with a solution:

Make everybody buy insurance!!
Just like a car!!

And if you absolutely can't pay for it,
really can't pay for it,
take the money from schools and roads,
and subsidize the insurance industry

so it can make money while doing good.

What a guy!!

What an insurance industry!!

Acts of Kindness

Poverty Bad for Health

Epidemiological Discovery: Poverty Bad for Health!

Hot off the press!

In 7300 recent studies, epidemiologists have discovered that being poor is lousy for health.

The world class economist, recently deceased Prof. Milton Friedman, speaking at the right hand of God replied, "Duh! What did you think capitalism was about anyway? "

Epidemiologists have also recently pointed out that racism, sexism, war, environmental disasters, shitty health care systems, bad work and/or unemployment also are not so hot for health. They recommend that poor people get more stuff. And maybe some housing.

Barefoot Mohels

USAID has temporarily halted financial support for the Barefoot Mohels Program.

The publication of recent studies of AIDS prevention in the US sparked a new WHO/USAID program to train barefoot mohels, village level health practitioners who could bring circumcision to poverty stricken rural areas.

Just as the new program began recruiting trainees, however, a scandal in New York City halted the program in its tracks.

Apparently religious mohels in NY and elsewhere sucked blood from their baby-patients and in 11 reported cases transmitted herpes to the infants with fatal consequences in some cases.

President Bush commented, "We must stop these baby cock-suckers!" His words have been heard around the world. From his mouth to the ears of God.

Austria-Hungary Declares War

(with apologies to The New York Times and gratitude as well.)

I. July 28, Vienna
No formal declaration of war against Servia, the Emperor ordered removal of Summer Court from Texas to the capital. His entourage tried to persuade him that Vienna air would not suit him, but the stupid coke-head Emperor replied:
"I do not want the air of Vienna. I want the atmosphere of headquarters."
The railways are under military control, the telegraphs are reserved entirely for the service of the State. The airlines are bankrupt. Television always was under government control, so no problem there. Automobiles cannot be touched, but gasoline prices -- The internet – oh damn the internet – geek-to-geek communication.
Some hope the war will be confined to Austria-Hungary and Servia. Russia and France have not intervened. Any action by those powers must be supported by Great Britain, the third party to the Triple Entente. But Blair and Chirac do not want a European war. Peace rests on St. Petersburg.


II. Headlines: Notice Sent to the Powers of the Opening of Hostilities
Servian Vessels Seized; Sharp Fighting Along the Rio Grande: Counter Invasion Plan -- Montenegrin and Serb Armies to Invade Arizona and Start a Rebellion; Kaiser Declines to Exert Pressure on Texan Ally, But Reply Is Conciliatory; Blair Has Faith That His Influence Will Avert General Conflict
Putin's Forces Mass on Eastern Border, New England Agog: His Capital Expects War and Counts Confidently on England's Aid: Mobilization Order Ready: German Official Says Its Issue Would Mean Launching of Kaiser's Army


III. Food Prices Up
Abnormal rise in price of provisions today, caused great public indignation, flocked to Walmart, Target, Store 24, in anticipation of scarcity. Veggies trebled in price, although God knows what one would do with six months of tomatoes. Feeling ran so high that Nieman-Marcus was mobbed or haute coutre staff assaulted, the police called out to restore order. The authorities declare that the sudden increase in the prices of provisions and vegetables is totally unwarranted. Oil, of course, that’s another story.
A permanent committee appointed to deal with provisioning the country, sat today to discuss price regulation in order to prevent the public being cheated. They left for Texas immediately after the opening session.
Official arrangements have been made to take care of families of reservists called to the colors. In the event of a reservist being killed or reported missing an allowance of about 25 cents per day for each adult and 12 1-2 cents a day for children will be continued for six months. Right.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy. 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!Life is soooooooo great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.