The Bush Family Library

(Photo courtesy of Grumman, Northrup, whatever)

The desire of George Bush the Younger to have a library for his book has caused so much controversy among Methodists that the MSU proposal has been withdrawn, according to some sources. As an alternative, a spare cabin on the Bush ship christened last year will be devoted to the book. No one is quite clear on the name of the book, but suggestions have been solicited from the public.

VPP Note: It's a good thing that worker is wearing a hard hat because, if the crane slipped, he could really get hurt!

Alternatives to Thinking About Who the Dems Should Run

New words for 2007 you can help spread

(Contributed by Natasha, our European correspondent)

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then leaves.

Assmosis - the process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

Testiculating - waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

SITCOMS - single income, two children, and oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn in to when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids and then wants to start a home business.

SINBAD - Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriends and desperate.

Stress puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall in to the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administrate trivia of needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 not found meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise you have made a big mistake (eg you've hit reply to all).

Beer Coat - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am

Salad Dodger - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Cube farm. An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Mouse Potato. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


Swipeout. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Xerox Subsidy. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Irritainment. Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Generica. Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...

Woofys. Well Off Older Folks.

Crop Dusting. Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust

A Message from the South

Labor Market Flexibility

Tony Gramsky, Secret Agent

SECRET POLISH FILES REVEAL: GRAMSKY WAS CZARIST SPY!


Warsaw: Recently uncovered files in Warsaw indicate that Tony Gramsky, aka Antonio Gramsci, was sent to Italy by the Czarist Cheka to infiltrate and undermine the Italian Communist Party. Instead of engaging in revolutionary warfare against El Duce, Gramsky sat in his luxurious prison quarters and penned nonsensical notes about "hegemony," "historical blocs" -- all as an excuse to delay the PCI with endless debates.

Gramsky, however, was never told that the Russian monarchy was irretrievably lost and, much as the Japanese soldiers who hid in caves long after WW II was over, he continued to write pseudo-sophisticated analyses of fascism, capitalism, and imperialism. In the files, our sources tell us, are records of his actual feelings about the lower classes: "stupid", "vulgar", "deserving
of their impoverishment." "The reason why we must have divinely selected monarchs, " he scribbled in his secret diary," is because they are the only ones who know shit about anything. And the Czar mixes a mean negroni. And his wife, hoo ha! She is some queen!" And he wrote other stuff like that.

All of this led to the Italian communists becoming the best dressed social democrats in all of Europe, not right away of course, but it still happened! And poor Tony never learned that he was on Mission Impossible. The documents, our well-informed source claimed, were produced by a consultant who had no financial interest in the sale of the papers.

The American Collective in Beijing

washing machine>>maytag repair man

THE AMERICAN WAY: A LAUNDRAMAT IN BEIJING


As an experiment in transferring American collectivism and cooperation to formerly Communist China, USAID is opening a laundramat in Beijing.

"Through this modality," said President Bush, "the Chinese will learn to appreciate the benefits of cooperation and collective work. Spreading American ideals is a top goal of my administration -- and here it is!."

The president of Maytag Washing and Ironing Company smiled his agreement: "In the new century we have espoused the fundamental virtues of Fourierism. Let not the labels of the past eras mask our new look: doing well by doing good!"

The Naturalist

Priceless

Meeting-Fried Brain

Meeting-fried Brain: A New Delicacy

You can do it on the phone! On your laptop! Franz Kafka Augusto Pinochet Toni Morrison Be not afraid! Meet and eat!!

Borrowed from:

Copyright © 2000-2001 Brain-Juice.Com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. email : info@brain-juice.com

Nice belt -- !

Give Us a Kiss, Honey!

Presi

Gerald Ford: What a Guy!

Gerald Ford: What a Guy!

Curt Gentry, in J. Edgar Hoover, The Man and His Secrets (1991), had some things to say about Gerald Ford – This is not a spoof.

“Impressed with a young Republican congressional hopeful in Michigan, the Bureau (FBI) in 1946 arranged support for Gerald Ford, who expressed his thanks in his maiden speech by asking for a pay raise for J. Edgar Hoover.” (p. 384)

“The (Warren) commission member Ford opposed criticizing the FBI for having failed to inform the Secret Service that Oswald was in Dallas and working in a building located on the parade route, but Chairman Warren insisted it go in …” (p. 556)

“… Hoover’s informant on the (Warren) commission was Representative Gerald Ford.” (p. 557)

“Although there was no evidence that (Supreme Court Justice) Douglas had Mafia connections, it could be made to seem that way, and Hoover passed on this information, first to Attorney General Mitchell and later to Congressman Gerald Ford, who would lead the Douglas impeachment fight.” (p. 628) Nixon asked Hoover to pass on the information that an extract of Douglas’s book, Points of Rebellion, had been published in Evergreen Review. Hoover gave the information to Ford, “which he used, but it didn’t help” The 924-page House report cleared Douglas. (pp. 629-630)

When Hale Boggs, Democratic majority leader in the House, called for Hoover’s resignation in 1971, only Gerald Ford stood up to defend him and the FBI. “They are humans, as we are,” quoth Ford. (p. 667)

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Poetry at the Lawrence Farmer's Market, 2006

Sustainable Development Program

The Romney Solution

Romney and Health Insurance

Basing his approach to the crisis in health care
on his father's auto industry experience,

Young Romney, just stepped down as governor
of Massachusetts and setting his sights
on the White House, has come up with a solution:

Make everybody buy insurance!!
Just like a car!!

And if you absolutely can't pay for it,
really can't pay for it,
take the money from schools and roads,
and subsidize the insurance industry

so it can make money while doing good.

What a guy!!

What an insurance industry!!

Acts of Kindness

Poverty Bad for Health

Epidemiological Discovery: Poverty Bad for Health!

Hot off the press!

In 7300 recent studies, epidemiologists have discovered that being poor is lousy for health.

The world class economist, recently deceased Prof. Milton Friedman, speaking at the right hand of God replied, "Duh! What did you think capitalism was about anyway? "

Epidemiologists have also recently pointed out that racism, sexism, war, environmental disasters, shitty health care systems, bad work and/or unemployment also are not so hot for health. They recommend that poor people get more stuff. And maybe some housing.

Barefoot Mohels

USAID has temporarily halted financial support for the Barefoot Mohels Program.

The publication of recent studies of AIDS prevention in the US sparked a new WHO/USAID program to train barefoot mohels, village level health practitioners who could bring circumcision to poverty stricken rural areas.

Just as the new program began recruiting trainees, however, a scandal in New York City halted the program in its tracks.

Apparently religious mohels in NY and elsewhere sucked blood from their baby-patients and in 11 reported cases transmitted herpes to the infants with fatal consequences in some cases.

President Bush commented, "We must stop these baby cock-suckers!" His words have been heard around the world. From his mouth to the ears of God.

Austria-Hungary Declares War

(with apologies to The New York Times and gratitude as well.)

I. July 28, Vienna
No formal declaration of war against Servia, the Emperor ordered removal of Summer Court from Texas to the capital. His entourage tried to persuade him that Vienna air would not suit him, but the stupid coke-head Emperor replied:
"I do not want the air of Vienna. I want the atmosphere of headquarters."
The railways are under military control, the telegraphs are reserved entirely for the service of the State. The airlines are bankrupt. Television always was under government control, so no problem there. Automobiles cannot be touched, but gasoline prices -- The internet – oh damn the internet – geek-to-geek communication.
Some hope the war will be confined to Austria-Hungary and Servia. Russia and France have not intervened. Any action by those powers must be supported by Great Britain, the third party to the Triple Entente. But Blair and Chirac do not want a European war. Peace rests on St. Petersburg.


II. Headlines: Notice Sent to the Powers of the Opening of Hostilities
Servian Vessels Seized; Sharp Fighting Along the Rio Grande: Counter Invasion Plan -- Montenegrin and Serb Armies to Invade Arizona and Start a Rebellion; Kaiser Declines to Exert Pressure on Texan Ally, But Reply Is Conciliatory; Blair Has Faith That His Influence Will Avert General Conflict
Putin's Forces Mass on Eastern Border, New England Agog: His Capital Expects War and Counts Confidently on England's Aid: Mobilization Order Ready: German Official Says Its Issue Would Mean Launching of Kaiser's Army


III. Food Prices Up
Abnormal rise in price of provisions today, caused great public indignation, flocked to Walmart, Target, Store 24, in anticipation of scarcity. Veggies trebled in price, although God knows what one would do with six months of tomatoes. Feeling ran so high that Nieman-Marcus was mobbed or haute coutre staff assaulted, the police called out to restore order. The authorities declare that the sudden increase in the prices of provisions and vegetables is totally unwarranted. Oil, of course, that’s another story.
A permanent committee appointed to deal with provisioning the country, sat today to discuss price regulation in order to prevent the public being cheated. They left for Texas immediately after the opening session.
Official arrangements have been made to take care of families of reservists called to the colors. In the event of a reservist being killed or reported missing an allowance of about 25 cents per day for each adult and 12 1-2 cents a day for children will be continued for six months. Right.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy. 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!Life is soooooooo great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.