Words Out!

Word Ban Takes Effect Monday

Writers stunned! Speakers worried! The inarticulate happy!

Washington, March 26:

A little known provision of the Patriot Act will go into force on Monday, April 2. All words will be banned. Not only commercial words, political words and dirty words: all of them.

"We were concerned that many people were speaking out of turn," said VP Cheney, " so we thought, what the hell, let's just get rid of them all."

Commentators noted that schools would remain open and tv sets could remain on, but no words would be said or taught. "Oh well," said President Bush, "I never liked them anyway."

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LUCY WAS A SLUT!

National Geographic reports:



According to researchers at the University of Florida, Lucy got lice from some hunky gorilla.

"The transfer occurred about 3.3 million years ago, said study leader David Reed, of the University of Florida in Gainesville. That's when the gorilla louse and the human pubic louse separated into distinct species, the research revealed."

In typical humanist apologia, NG said:

"Modern humans (Homo sapiens) weren't around at the time. So the first to be infested by the new lice species were probably Australopithecus, a group of human ancestors that include the famous "Lucy" fossil."

Right! Blame it on the Australians again!

According to NG, "Prior to the transfer our ancestors were troubled by only one species of body louse, as chimpanzees and gorillas are today. Why humans can harbor two species—head lice and pubic lice—has been a mystery until now."

Gee, the magazine wonders:

"The discovery raises the same vexing question faced by anyone who has contracted pubic lice: How exactly did this happen?

"Pubic lice are spread most commonly through sexual contact, but that's not necessarily how our ancestors acquired the parasite from gorillas."

"Unfortunately, we'll never know for sure," Reed said. "Given that the [gorilla louse] species occurs primarily in the pubic region, it is quite possible that the lice were transmitted sexually."

Well, it certainly wasn't picked up on a toilet seat!

Devout Horny Animal About to Receive Communion

Engendering Species

DENVER, Colorado March 14, 2007 (ENS) - The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is proposing to delete 25,413 acres of the Rocky Flats Plant Superfund site in Jefferson and Boulder Counties, Colorado, from the Superfund List and designate it as a national wildlife refuge.

The 1,308 acre Central Operable Unit at the former nuclear weapons production plant is not being considered for deletion and will remain on the Superfund List.

Useless Airways New Hub in NY

Batavia, New York (Special from our own correspondent)

UselessAirways has announced that it is opening a new hub for its services right here in Batavia. We had always wondered where the so-called "cancelled" flights were when we needed them and it turns out that here they were in Batavia. Useless spokesman, Artemis Plughead, said, "This is much better! Now when you ask Where is the fucking airplane? we can answer, It's in Batavia, you stupid fool! That's where tired airplanes rest!"

Blackjack Without Harm

Something from the Debate in New Jersey

"Surely, the powerful and creative minds who built the colossal
monuments of the gambling industry in Atlantic City can conjure up ways
to keep luring people to casinos without killing the help," Senator
Vitale said.

(Thanks to JZ)

IMF/World Bank/ WTO Middle East Plan

Meek Not Getting Earth After All

BREAKING NEWS

Washington, D.C. In a White House announcement today, the Bush Administration announced that "the meek were not going to inherit the earth after all". Informed sources indicated that the rich were going to keep everything. "The rich, actually," quoth a senor official, " never really intended to give anything away at all. At least, that's as far as we know. The meek will stay right where they are and experience disease and injury the way they alway have. Too bad, huh!"

Long Live the Queen!

Meek Getting Earth

Meek Getting Earth; Pushy get Everything Else


Orlando, Florida: NASA announced today that the meek would be given everything on earth, while the audacious would get everything else. This announcement coincided with the Bush Administration concession that global climate change is in fact a major issue, that polar bears were drowning in the melting Arctic and that New York would not need to replace the World Trade Center since it would all soon be under water.

"What the hell," said the President. "Let them have a few good days! We're leaving for Uranus pretty soon and taking the Saudis with us."

NIH Runs for Money

Bethesda, Maryland. By a special correspondent.

Whispers abound at the National Institute of Health about a proposal that NIH researchers -- including staff at everything from the National Cancer Institute to the National Institute for Heart, Lung, Guts, and Foot Disease -- be required to participate in a foot race to be held on the banks of the Potomac. The top 20% of the runners will be permitted to submit research proposals within NIH, but only if they are sporting company logos. Rumors indicate that Squibb and Pfizer will field teams of runners, while Philip Morris has indicated that it will sponsor only the cookie division, not the smokeless tobacco. Coca Cola is offering free running shoes, while Bayer is sponsoring a "Gesundheit" team.

But of course, this is just a rumor. Far more likely that NIH will be privatized in the next year.

Hungarian Blue-eyed Cat

Faust meets Mephistopholes

Harvard Reveals All

Summers Speaks Out

In a face-to-face interview, Joe Summers, beer-drinking brother of the former Harvard president, revealed the inner workings of the highest level of the elite unniversity.

"First of all," said Joe, " the family was not , I repeat not, involved in insider training in the former Soviet Union. Recent reports in the London Review of Books claiming that he was somehow implicated in one of his friends shenanigans are absolutely untrue." Further, said Joe, "The loss of $26.5 million in fines because of those unsavory events had nothing to do with my brother's downfall. After all, that kind of money is small change at Harvard! No, it was his disgusting sexism that probably finished him off."

Sitting on the back porch of his shack in Alabama, Joe said, "I was sort of hoping that Anna Nicole was going to be the new prez, but oops! she was gone and they were stuck with some Cliffy. Oh well."

Communique

Communique

I.

So many wars, fought simultaneously,

Every animal on high alert, impossible

To know which war will catch you up

Or cast you out like a flounder flapping,

You, I, we were looking the wrong way

Because of eye placement, friends

Disappear and others struggle back

To the shifting surfaces, battleground –

Welcome home, poet of detox!

I thought an enemy machine gun

Shot you full of holes and left us

Bereft of spinning mantras – Salud!

II.

Of course, I am terrified. In France, in England,

They are killing turkeys, chickens, all because

An exotic dancer flown in from viral Asia

Had a night with the cock of the flock –

I see birds everywhere! The sparrow knocking

At my window chirps about failed supplies

Of sunflower seed, suet, after all these years,

She says, you abandon me! Ficklehood!

Gray squirrels conspire as they race, branch

To branch, whisper about global warming,

They say that humans are destroying habitat,

See, they say, humans are killing birds,

Expelling migrants, building airports where

Monarchs rested on their way to Mexico,

Only money is free these days, and we,

They say, have only nuts!

III.

I see Otis Redding, weeping

By the waters of Babylon.

Leonard Cohen is back,

Sings about the Rose who gave him head,

I love his Montreal whine.

And Durgananda is once more Sally,

I get messages from her assistant,

You can be less of an asshole

If you learn to meditate.

IV.

I don’t know if you’ve been reading

The papers but Iraq has gone to shit.

Corpses are piled on all sides, no one

Wins this war except the profiteers

(had to dig that word out of century-

Old pamphlets).

Most everyone would prefer

The war to end, but there is

No urgency in this discomfort.

Solutions: Global Warming

Grow little things.

The Bush Family Library

(Photo courtesy of Grumman, Northrup, whatever)

The desire of George Bush the Younger to have a library for his book has caused so much controversy among Methodists that the MSU proposal has been withdrawn, according to some sources. As an alternative, a spare cabin on the Bush ship christened last year will be devoted to the book. No one is quite clear on the name of the book, but suggestions have been solicited from the public.

VPP Note: It's a good thing that worker is wearing a hard hat because, if the crane slipped, he could really get hurt!

Alternatives to Thinking About Who the Dems Should Run

New words for 2007 you can help spread

(Contributed by Natasha, our European correspondent)

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then leaves.

Assmosis - the process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

Testiculating - waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

SITCOMS - single income, two children, and oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn in to when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids and then wants to start a home business.

SINBAD - Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriends and desperate.

Stress puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall in to the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administrate trivia of needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 not found meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise you have made a big mistake (eg you've hit reply to all).

Beer Coat - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am

Salad Dodger - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Cube farm. An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Mouse Potato. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


Swipeout. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Xerox Subsidy. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Irritainment. Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Generica. Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...

Woofys. Well Off Older Folks.

Crop Dusting. Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust

A Message from the South