WHY EPIDEMIOLOGISTS NEVER APPEAR ON CSI

from http://www.familiesagainstcancer.org/?id=256
without asking for permission.




October 11, 2005

WHY EPIDEMIOLOGISTS NEVER APPEAR ON CSI



Why Epidemiologists Never Appear on CSI

By Kate Parker Adams
Doctoral Candidate,
Epidemiology

Woman: Hello?

Epidemiologist: Hi. I'm Dr. P. Value, epidemiologist with the State Department of Public Health. I understand you called the police?

W: Yes, I did. I think my roommate has been murdered.

E: Okay, do you have her body?

W: Uh, no. But I can't get her on her cell phone and it's been a week since...

E: Then why do you think there was a murder?

W: Just look at this place! I came home from vacation and my furniture was trashed and there is blood spattered everywhere!

E: Well, "blood everywhere" doesn't automatically correlate with the occurrence of a homicide. There are many other sources of blood in a typical city. If it came from two animals fighting, we may never know ...

W: Aren't you going to gather any evidence?

E: Sure we will, if our preliminary scientific investigation indicates there was a murder that is. But first we need to determine that there is some significant chance she was murdered. That takes some time ...

W: BUT THERE IS BLOOD ALL OVER THIS APARTMENT!

E: Calm Down! You don't want to panic the neighbors ...

W: Okay, okay ... but how long is this going to take?E: Well, lets see. First, we must determine if there has even been a murder. In order to do that, we have to draft a protocol for a study and get it approved. That should take about six months, maybe eight.

W: Eight months?? Then what.

E: Well, then we do a study to see if there was a murder and, if so, if this is out of the ordinary for your neighborhood.

W: And how long will that take?

E: Another six months. Then if we indeed find that this was an unusual event, we will come back to your apartment and gather some evidence.

W: A year? It will take a year before you will even gather any evidence from my apartment?

E: About that. We have to be scientific. Careful, thorough science takes time you know.

W: But this is the third murder in this building this month! Aren't you going to do something about that?

E: Well, first of all, we don't know whether these were murders or untimely deaths or abductions, or disappearances. All those possible outcomes would require separate studies...

W: BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO LIVE?

E: Shhh! You'll panic the neighborhood. Besides, even if there is foul play that alone does not indicate that these incidents were connected. If you average three murders over the population of the entire county, statistically speaking you are safer here than most people in the state! There's nothing to worry about.

W: But what about my apartment?

E: Relax. I haven't seen a single peer-reviewed scientific study that correlates living in a blood-soaked apartment with any adverse health outcomes, including murder. In fact, you'd do better to take stress management classes, lose some weight and quit smoking if you want to live a long healthy life.Let me take your name and phone number and we will issue a press release when we are ready to start the first phase of our investigation. Good luck.