(with apologies to The New York Times and gratitude as well.)
I. July 28, Vienna
No formal declaration of war against Servia, the Emperor ordered removal of Summer Court from Texas to the capital. His entourage tried to persuade him that Vienna air would not suit him, but the stupid coke-head Emperor replied:
"I do not want the air of Vienna. I want the atmosphere of headquarters."
The railways are under military control, the telegraphs are reserved entirely for the service of the State. The airlines are bankrupt. Television always was under government control, so no problem there. Automobiles cannot be touched, but gasoline prices -- The internet – oh damn the internet – geek-to-geek communication.
Some hope the war will be confined to Austria-Hungary and Servia. Russia and France have not intervened. Any action by those powers must be supported by Great Britain, the third party to the Triple Entente. But Blair and Chirac do not want a European war. Peace rests on St. Petersburg.
II. Headlines: Notice Sent to the Powers of the Opening of Hostilities
Servian Vessels Seized; Sharp Fighting Along the Rio Grande: Counter Invasion Plan -- Montenegrin and Serb Armies to Invade Arizona and Start a Rebellion; Kaiser Declines to Exert Pressure on Texan Ally, But Reply Is Conciliatory; Blair Has Faith That His Influence Will Avert General Conflict
Putin's Forces Mass on Eastern Border, New England Agog: His Capital Expects War and Counts Confidently on England's Aid: Mobilization Order Ready: German Official Says Its Issue Would Mean Launching of Kaiser's Army
III. Food Prices Up
Abnormal rise in price of provisions today, caused great public indignation, flocked to Walmart, Target, Store 24, in anticipation of scarcity. Veggies trebled in price, although God knows what one would do with six months of tomatoes. Feeling ran so high that Nieman-Marcus was mobbed or haute coutre staff assaulted, the police called out to restore order. The authorities declare that the sudden increase in the prices of provisions and vegetables is totally unwarranted. Oil, of course, that’s another story.
A permanent committee appointed to deal with provisioning the country, sat today to discuss price regulation in order to prevent the public being cheated. They left for Texas immediately after the opening session.
Official arrangements have been made to take care of families of reservists called to the colors. In the event of a reservist being killed or reported missing an allowance of about 25 cents per day for each adult and 12 1-2 cents a day for children will be continued for six months. Right.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy. 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!Life is soooooooo great!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
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