Word Ban Takes Effect Monday
Writers stunned! Speakers worried! The inarticulate happy!
Washington, March 26:
A little known provision of the Patriot Act will go into force on Monday, April 2. All words will be banned. Not only commercial words, political words and dirty words: all of them.
"We were concerned that many people were speaking out of turn," said VP Cheney, " so we thought, what the hell, let's just get rid of them all."
Commentators noted that schools would remain open and tv sets could remain on, but no words would be said or taught. "Oh well," said President Bush, "I never liked them anyway."
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
LIQUID ASSETS, LLC
Is your market disappearing?
Is your plant old and antiquated?
Are you moving shop to Indonesia?
YOU NEED LIQUID ASSETS, LLC!!!!
We'll take care of your needs.
Perhaps a little collateral damage,
but life is risky!
Call us, WE CAN LIGHT YOUR FIRE!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
LUCY WAS A SLUT!
National Geographic reports:
According to researchers at the University of Florida, Lucy got lice from some hunky gorilla.
"The transfer occurred about 3.3 million years ago, said study leader David Reed, of the University of Florida in Gainesville. That's when the gorilla louse and the human pubic louse separated into distinct species, the research revealed."
In typical humanist apologia, NG said:
"Modern humans (Homo sapiens) weren't around at the time. So the first to be infested by the new lice species were probably Australopithecus, a group of human ancestors that include the famous "Lucy" fossil."
Right! Blame it on the Australians again!
According to NG, "Prior to the transfer our ancestors were troubled by only one species of body louse, as chimpanzees and gorillas are today. Why humans can harbor two species—head lice and pubic lice—has been a mystery until now."
Gee, the magazine wonders:
"The discovery raises the same vexing question faced by anyone who has contracted pubic lice: How exactly did this happen?
"Pubic lice are spread most commonly through sexual contact, but that's not necessarily how our ancestors acquired the parasite from gorillas."
"Unfortunately, we'll never know for sure," Reed said. "Given that the [gorilla louse] species occurs primarily in the pubic region, it is quite possible that the lice were transmitted sexually."
Well, it certainly wasn't picked up on a toilet seat!
According to researchers at the University of Florida, Lucy got lice from some hunky gorilla.
"The transfer occurred about 3.3 million years ago, said study leader David Reed, of the University of Florida in Gainesville. That's when the gorilla louse and the human pubic louse separated into distinct species, the research revealed."
In typical humanist apologia, NG said:
"Modern humans (Homo sapiens) weren't around at the time. So the first to be infested by the new lice species were probably Australopithecus, a group of human ancestors that include the famous "Lucy" fossil."
Right! Blame it on the Australians again!
According to NG, "Prior to the transfer our ancestors were troubled by only one species of body louse, as chimpanzees and gorillas are today. Why humans can harbor two species—head lice and pubic lice—has been a mystery until now."
Gee, the magazine wonders:
"The discovery raises the same vexing question faced by anyone who has contracted pubic lice: How exactly did this happen?
"Pubic lice are spread most commonly through sexual contact, but that's not necessarily how our ancestors acquired the parasite from gorillas."
"Unfortunately, we'll never know for sure," Reed said. "Given that the [gorilla louse] species occurs primarily in the pubic region, it is quite possible that the lice were transmitted sexually."
Well, it certainly wasn't picked up on a toilet seat!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Engendering Species
DENVER, Colorado March 14, 2007 (ENS) - The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is proposing to delete 25,413 acres of the Rocky Flats Plant Superfund site in Jefferson and Boulder Counties, Colorado, from the Superfund List and designate it as a national wildlife refuge.
The 1,308 acre Central Operable Unit at the former nuclear weapons production plant is not being considered for deletion and will remain on the Superfund List.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Useless Airways New Hub in NY
Batavia, New York (Special from our own correspondent)
UselessAirways has announced that it is opening a new hub for its services right here in Batavia. We had always wondered where the so-called "cancelled" flights were when we needed them and it turns out that here they were in Batavia. Useless spokesman, Artemis Plughead, said, "This is much better! Now when you ask Where is the fucking airplane? we can answer, It's in Batavia, you stupid fool! That's where tired airplanes rest!"
UselessAirways has announced that it is opening a new hub for its services right here in Batavia. We had always wondered where the so-called "cancelled" flights were when we needed them and it turns out that here they were in Batavia. Useless spokesman, Artemis Plughead, said, "This is much better! Now when you ask Where is the fucking airplane? we can answer, It's in Batavia, you stupid fool! That's where tired airplanes rest!"
Monday, March 05, 2007
Blackjack Without Harm
Something from the Debate in New Jersey
"Surely, the powerful and creative minds who built the colossal
monuments of the gambling industry in Atlantic City can conjure up ways
to keep luring people to casinos without killing the help," Senator
Vitale said.
(Thanks to JZ)
"Surely, the powerful and creative minds who built the colossal
monuments of the gambling industry in Atlantic City can conjure up ways
to keep luring people to casinos without killing the help," Senator
Vitale said.
(Thanks to JZ)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Meek Not Getting Earth After All
BREAKING NEWS
Washington, D.C. In a White House announcement today, the Bush Administration announced that "the meek were not going to inherit the earth after all". Informed sources indicated that the rich were going to keep everything. "The rich, actually," quoth a senor official, " never really intended to give anything away at all. At least, that's as far as we know. The meek will stay right where they are and experience disease and injury the way they alway have. Too bad, huh!"
Washington, D.C. In a White House announcement today, the Bush Administration announced that "the meek were not going to inherit the earth after all". Informed sources indicated that the rich were going to keep everything. "The rich, actually," quoth a senor official, " never really intended to give anything away at all. At least, that's as far as we know. The meek will stay right where they are and experience disease and injury the way they alway have. Too bad, huh!"
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