Tony Gramsky, Secret Agent

SECRET POLISH FILES REVEAL: GRAMSKY WAS CZARIST SPY!


Warsaw: Recently uncovered files in Warsaw indicate that Tony Gramsky, aka Antonio Gramsci, was sent to Italy by the Czarist Cheka to infiltrate and undermine the Italian Communist Party. Instead of engaging in revolutionary warfare against El Duce, Gramsky sat in his luxurious prison quarters and penned nonsensical notes about "hegemony," "historical blocs" -- all as an excuse to delay the PCI with endless debates.

Gramsky, however, was never told that the Russian monarchy was irretrievably lost and, much as the Japanese soldiers who hid in caves long after WW II was over, he continued to write pseudo-sophisticated analyses of fascism, capitalism, and imperialism. In the files, our sources tell us, are records of his actual feelings about the lower classes: "stupid", "vulgar", "deserving
of their impoverishment." "The reason why we must have divinely selected monarchs, " he scribbled in his secret diary," is because they are the only ones who know shit about anything. And the Czar mixes a mean negroni. And his wife, hoo ha! She is some queen!" And he wrote other stuff like that.

All of this led to the Italian communists becoming the best dressed social democrats in all of Europe, not right away of course, but it still happened! And poor Tony never learned that he was on Mission Impossible. The documents, our well-informed source claimed, were produced by a consultant who had no financial interest in the sale of the papers.