Fat Kids Stuck by Economic Downturn

Growth in Children Stymied by Recession

The New York Times reported today that growth in children has reached a plateau, causing great concern in commodity markets. "National Pediatric Growth (NPG) has slowed down just as fast food sales have fallen. Fat kids are good for the economy and the economy is in the toilet!"

Data collected from a handful of obesity programs around the country suggest that the trends may be real.

In Somerville, Mass., a communitywide intervention led by nutrition researchers at Tufts University included doubling the amount of bacon served for school lunch, painting crosswalks with swastikas to encourage walks to school and increasing physical activity in after-school programs. Re-introducing cigarette dispensing machines for the fifth grade was an additional component of the program that was controversial

Last year, the medical journal Obesity reported that during the 2003-2004 school year, Somerville schoolchildren gained less weight than children in nearby communities. The researchers are trying to replicate the program in rural areas in other parts of the country. Phillip Morris has expressed interest in funding this effort.

In Arkansas, a statewide obesity effort has eliminated vending machines in elementary schools, added a half-hour of daily physical activity to the school curriculum and sent home annual childhood health reports alerting parents about obesity risks.

"Wake up, Christian parents! Your little bastards are getting fat as pigs and we will sell them to the Perdues if you don't get your shit together!"

As part of the program, school officials in the past four years have tracked the weight and height of 475,000 children, and those numbers show that average body mass index rates in Arkansas have held steady. In an effort to restrict child consumption, parents' incomes were drastically curtailed with the support of employers statewide. Sam Walton commented, "We want skinny little shits like they've got in China. Little hands, move real fast, not like this fat white trash here at home."

The leading NGO in the field, Starve the Children, applauded the reports. "The trick is to starve the poor -- they're the ones getting fat and we're paying their damned medical bills."