EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy. 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!Life is soooooooo great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.