Disorder in the courts

From a Correspondent:


This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>> now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
>> while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>> forgot?
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>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>> morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>> voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do.
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
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>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Uh...I was gettin' laid!
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>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
>> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death.
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Guess.
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>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed >>
on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
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>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral.
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>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>> an autopsy on him!
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>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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>> And the best for last:
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>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>> for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>> you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>> nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>> practicing law.



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