The War on Schmucks

Washington, Special to the HG&W

President Whatever has announced that the US has declared a new war, a War on Schmucks.

"Exactly what is a schmuck?" queried the President rhetorically. "A schmuck is anybody I don't like! And there are a lot of them, so watch out!"

"I think this is a misuse of the term 'schmuck'," stated Elie Wiesel, BU Professor of Bad Stuff. "Schmuck is a really Yiddish thing and the term should not be bandied about."

Ali Tarminian responded for the Armenian Insurgency: "Schmuck is not the property of the Jews! If Bush or Whatever wants to declare a war on schmucks, that's his right as leader of the Free World!"

"No! No!" said Helmut Schultz. "Schmuck has a very particular meaning -- and it is meaningless to talk about a war on ornaments!"

President Whatever said that he was deeply concerned about the weapons of mass seduction that he's heard were being kept in the hills by a "bunch of schmucks." "We will show no mercy!, said VP Cheney. "Why I shot some schmuck in the head on a recent hunting trip and it felt great!"