Roe v. Wade

Q. What is Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A. He doesn't really care how people get out of New Orleans.

Declaration of Revocation

Declaration of Revocation

by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Thursday Aug. 25, Day 1 Hurricane Katrina makes
landfall. Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and defends
his habit of taking lengthy vacations.
“I’m mindful of what goes on around me. On the other
hand, I’m also mindful that I’ve got a life to live, and
will do so.”

Friday Aug. 26, Day 2 Bush still on vacation
Saturday Aug. 27, Day 3 Bush still on vacation

Monday Aug. 29, Day 5 Bush was briefed by Michael
Brown, the director of the Federal Emergency Management
Agency then headed to Arizona for a speech on
Medicare. The White House announced new options under
the Medicare Prescription Drug Plan.

Tuesday Aug. 30, Day 6 There is no power. There is
no fresh water or sewage systems.
Bush visits Naval Base Coronado in California, standing
against a backdrop of the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier,
and says American troops must stay in Iraq to protect
the country’s vast oil .elds that he said would otherwise
fall under the control of terrorists.
Bush joins Arizona Senator John McCain for a celebration
of McCain’s 69th birthday.

Thursday Sept. 1, Day 8 Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice is seen shopping for $1,000 Ferragamo boots
and is shamed by a New Yorker who said, “How dare you
shop for shoes while thousands are dying!”
Vice President Dick Cheney is still on vacation in Wyoming.
Donald Rumsfeld is missing in action until day 10.

No Child Left Behind





FireWorks Graphics Collective
Email: NoWarTax@yahoo.com

Halliburtonia

Louisiana to be re-named for Halliburton

Bechtel may have to settle for Mississippi


In an effort to bring domestic investment to storm-torn
Louisiana, Congress has sold the state to Halliburton,
the multi-national firm now in change of Iraq.

“We tried to sell it back to France,” said VP Cheney,
“but, in the end, this seemed a wiser course.”

Halliburton is considering a proposal from Disney
to reconstruct New Orleans as a vampire park.

Meanwhile, Bechtel, the construction firm that bilked
Massachusetts of $12 billion in cost over-runs on the
“Big Dig”, may be forced to settle for Mississippi.

In related news, Senator Lott (R-Miss.) has suggested
re-naming the Gulf of Mexico, “The Gulf of Bush,” in hope
of staving off annexation by Texas. President Fox of
Mexico has threatened to go to the World Court, although
insiders in Mexico City claim that Fox is relieved that
“Gulf of Homeland Security”, also floated in international
circles, has been nixed.

Nero News Bulletin -- Queen Mother in New Orleans

The Nero News Service (as the world burns) has learned that President W's mom, Babs Bush, visited the New Orleans refugees staying at the Astrodome during the vacation in Texas (the refugees, not the Bush's). The New York Post quotes her saying, "So many of the people here . . . were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

It seems that the holy mother has a heart of gold and deep feelings of compassion for the underserved. Perhaps this is where her son learned to be compassionately conservative.

Many of the travelers staying at the stadium remembered how Ms. Bush had her legs smashed by then President HW Bush when she threatened to demand that his adminstration support women's reproductive rights and ability to obtain safe and legal abortions. At the time, it was reported that the 1st Lady fell off of the front porch of their Kennybunkport home in Maine. The baseball bat in the President's hand was a dead give away though.

Now, Babs, as the refugees affectionately refer to the babbling old fool, is less strident."People came up to me all day long and said, 'God bless your son,' all races," she said. Fortunately, Ms. Bush didn't know about the New Orleans tradition of saying "god bless" when you don't have anything kind to say about someone.

"Undersize Me!"

NIH Supports Nano-Deli Research

Laura Bush Inaugurates “Undersize Me!” Center

Raleigh: The National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences
announced today a multi-million dollar research program to combat
obesity. “One of our first steps has been development of the nano-
corned beef sandwich at our Research Triangle facilties,” said the new
director of NIEHS.

The First Lady was on hand to pass out t-shirts and lapel buttons
in the Nancy Reagan Just-Say-No tradition – Undersize Me!
Mrs. Bush was as proud as punch! “Nano-research,” she said,
“is good for our boys in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Paraguay if
necessary.”

Scientists at NIEHS pointed out, “This is in line with our re-emphasis
on molecular research and away from support for environmental racism/
environmental justice translational research. Times have changed, and we
understand what will butter our nano-toast.”

“In the case of New Orleans,we have been sending very little,”
said a spokesperson for NIEHS. “Nano-food, nano-water,
whatever could be nano-ized. We consider the Katrina situation
one which has provided a natural experiment.”

One health disparities researcher at Louisiana State University
commented, “It’s true. Only rich white people are getting
fat around here.”

Roberts Says No!

Roberts Declines Top Spot

“It would be wrong!”


In an apparent fit of integrity, President Bush’s nominee
for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Bob Roberts,
announced at a Washington press conference that he would
decline the nomination.

“I am so young and inexperienced – and, without question,
ridiculously biased about all manner of legal issues. It would
be wrong of me to accept such an appointment in an era when
we need to come together.”

Vice President Cheney in a spontaneous outburst during
which he clutched his breast said that never once in
his life had he come together.

“This is about money, you asshole,” he said. “Do what you’re
told!”

The President was in the bathroom or in Texas and unable to
comment.

Human Resources Day

How Will You Spend Human Resources Day?



The Bush Administration has decided that it’s time to bring “Labor Day” into the 21 Century.
The debate this weekend will be between those who want to rename the holiday “Human Resources Day” – and the Federal Department of Labor “Department of Flexibility” -- and those who believe that workers should have a few rights (maybe just one or two rights) in the new global economy. Republican Party ideologues are also suggesting the Department of Health and Human Services be re-baptized (sic) “Department of Social Capital”, while the Department of Education be re-christened (sic) “Department of Human Capital.” The proposal to eliminate the Federal Department of Justice has not received widespread acceptance, although there was some serious consideration of merging it with the Department of Homeland Security and the Supreme Court under an umbrella agency called “Heimat”. Administration officials were disappointed to discover that “Uber alles” did not translate into “overalls”, an historically interesting Human Resource Day image.

Labor Day was originally developed to counter the workers’ own May Day celebrations. Since global capital, multinational corporations, the Bush Administration and various puppet governments around the world have declared class war, it seemed unduly ironic to celebrate Labor Day this year. “We don’t appreciate irony or any other kind of heavy metal,” said the young Bush. “These days, workers have nothing to lose except their Cheneys.”

"This was not neglect: This was by design!"

ADMINISTRATION DENIES MISHANDLING OF KATRINA:

“THIS WAS NOT NEGLECT; THIS WAS BY DESIGN”


Washington, Nero News service (September 4, 1905)

Spokesmen for the Bush Administration, speaking off the record
last night, claimed that the Federal Government response to Katrina
was carefully planned. “Our neglect of minorities (except
for Cubans) and poor people has been misrepresented,” said
an insider at FEMA. “We really don’t give a damn about them
and don’t see why we should. All the decent African Americans
are in Iraq anyway, so they are all ok.” A knowledgeable source
in the White House commented, “It’s the damned media. These
sissy reporters are just getting all upset over nothing. Sissies!”