Sunday, January 29, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Nouveau Millions
Nouveau Millions
If I had a million bucks or more,
I’d throw a party at my ranch in Texas,
invite the Nieman Marcus mailing list,
have Martha Stewart cater caviar
and French champagne, the real McCoy!
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing,
Mariah Cary could take off her clothes,
Karl Rove might recite the enemies list,
but best of all would be an ice sculpture,
kindness of Michaelangelo, naked David
pissing vodka for the guests, we’d get
shitfaced and pack for the trip to Danbury.
If I had a million bucks or more,
I’d throw a party at my ranch in Texas,
invite the Nieman Marcus mailing list,
have Martha Stewart cater caviar
and French champagne, the real McCoy!
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing,
Mariah Cary could take off her clothes,
Karl Rove might recite the enemies list,
but best of all would be an ice sculpture,
kindness of Michaelangelo, naked David
pissing vodka for the guests, we’d get
shitfaced and pack for the trip to Danbury.
Remembering Oklahoma City
[DRAFT]
THE NEW UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT SYSTEM FOR
TRACKING AMERICAN WHITE MALE STUDENTS, RESEARCH SCHOLARS AND
THEIR FAMILIES
(ESPECIALLY ONES WITH MILITARY BACKGROUND)
1) What is Bevis?
BEVIS is an acronym for Boy-Student /Visitor Information System.
BEVIS is the new U.S. Government computer system that UMass Lowell is required to use to track white male students (and researchers and their families) from when they receive their draft cards, register for classes, travel to Idaho, North Dakota, rural Texas, and Utah while a Lowell student, receive job offers in the United States (curricular/optional practical training) and graduate, or transfer to another university, or leave UMass Lowell for some other reason.
In short, BEVIS requires Lowell to know, in some detail, the whereabouts of white male students/researchers for their entire lives. Especially if they are veterans.
2) When does BEVIS start?
BEVIS starts in January 2003. A “BEVIS generated” internal passport will be produced for all new white male students/researchers. Boys without an internal passport should register at the police station in downtown Lowell.
3) As a white male student/research scholar, what things do you have to report regularly to the white boy Student Office for yourself and your family members?
You must report to us:
a) When you change your major;
b) When you change your program level (e.g. bachelor’s to master’s, master’s to doctorate);
c) When you want to extend the time you are allowed to stay in your program;
d) A request to drop below a full-time course of study (12 credits/semester for undergraduates, 9 credits /semester for graduate students);
e) Dependent information (e.g. if you get married, have children etc.);
f) If you transfer into Lowell or transfer out to another school;
g) When you complete all the requirements for your degree (program of study);
h) When you request to go on optional practical training/curricular practical training or ask for off-campus employment because of economic hardship;
i) When you change your address;
j) When you are re-instated if you fall out of status;
k) If you have been subjected to disciplinary action because of a criminal conviction.
4) What happens if you do not report the above things to the White Male Student Office as soon as they happen?
If you do not report the above events, you will be considered “out of status” and we will be required to notify the police, the FBI and the CIA. You may be immediately arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
5) What are the reasons why your student record in BEVIS can be “terminated.”
UMass Lowell is required to “terminate” your record in BEVIS if:
a) You do not register full-time at the university every semester until your program is completed;
b) You drop below a full course of study (12 credits undergraduate, 9 credits for graduate students) without authorization;
c) You change to a non-classifiable classification (e.g. you become gay or have a sex-change operation; color may be tougher.);
d) You are expelled from the university;
e) You are suspended from the university;
f) You fail to maintain your proper status (e.g. if you do not attend classes full-time etc.);
In all of the above cases, the university is required to report to FBI that your record has
been terminated. FBI, in turn, may require you to leave the United States(deportation to Guantanamo).
6) Why are the above requirements so important to you for the Spring 2003 semester?
Very simply, you must be physically present at the university, attending classes or conducting research on January 22, 2003 or your BEVIS record will be terminated.
Should you be conducting field research, doing research in archives at another location, etc. you will be in bad trouble and have to go to Guantanamo.
7) What should you tell your American boy friends planning to attend UMass Lowell?
Skip it. Go to Mexico.
8) Why is this important to know and how is this related to the new “First Two Week” requirement in BEVIS?
What this means is that it is critically important for your friends to report in person to the White Male Student Office within the first 2 weeks of classes to receive their FBI clearance. We will then officially register them in BEVIS as required by law.
9) What happens if they don’t show up at the White Boy Student Office within the first two weeks?
If the Office staff does not see a new student within the first 2 weeks of classes, his/her BEVIS record will be terminated and FBI will be notified that the student is out of status and has to go to Guantanamo.
10) What if you plan to travel during the semester break? What do you need to do?
If you plan to travel during the semester break, it is very important that you tell the Office about your plans. You will need to have in your possession a new BEVIS generated FBI security clearance that the White Boy Student Office staff will prepare for you.
11) What kind of funds will you need to show for the new BEVIS forms in order to travel?
A lot. Especially if you are from a working class family. Or rural poor. Or if we have any other reason to think you might be pissed off.
12) What is the single most important thing you need to remember about travel this semester break?
The most important thing for you to remember is that you must be back at UMass Lowell for the start of classes. You can keep your UPS job or work at MacDonalds. But only where the FBI can watch you.
13) What is some other helpful information about travel this semester break?
We recommend the following:
a) Make three copies of all of your important documents. Maybe four.
b) Keep one set in your possession, put another set in your checked baggage, and leave the last set with a friend in the United States. If you have a fourth copy,. Hide it in a hollowed-out log in a nearby field. Just in case.
c) At least one week before you travel, check in with the FBI. Please don’t wait until the last minute.
c) Obtain a student copy of your transcript from the Registrar’s Office ($3 charge. Please request this early before your trip).
d) Request an “Enrollment Certification” letter from the White Male Student Office stating that you are currently enrolled in good standing as a student at UMass Lowell. Please allow one week for this request to be processed.
e) If you are traveling outside of the United States:
Check to see if your FBI clearance has expired. If it has, you must apply at a U.S. Consulate or Embassy to have it renewed before returning to the U.S. Because of background checks, this may take up to 3 months. If necessary, leave your children and old mother behind. We don’t care.
14) So what should you do if you are significantly delayed anywhere and can’t return to the university by January 22, 2003?
Make arrangements with a friend authorizing him/her to request (signed letter from you) that you be dropped from your classes and be “officially” withdrawn from your program (graduate students). Make sure your friend has FBI clearance.
15) Why is this so important?
This is very important for two reasons:
a) This will keep your BEVIS and Lowell academic records in order; and
b) If you have your friend drop/withdraw before the official drop deadline, you will not be charged for your courses.
c) If you don’t do it, you will go to jail.
16) What is helpful information if you are traveling in the United States?
If you are traveling in the United States, make sure to carry your original passport and FBI clearance with you at all times. You may be required to show these original documents to government officials.
17) Why is reporting your change of address so important?
If you do not notify FBI and the White Male Student Office within 10 days of the change of your address, we will not be able to catch you.
.
18) Final Thoughts about BEVIS and You
There are really a lot of suspicious white males around the place, so we ask for your patience and cooperation by giving us adequate time (minimum one week) to process your request. We look forward to assisting you in completing your degree requirements and continuing your relationship with us as successful alumni of UMass Lowell. Please accept our best wishes.
The White Male Student Office, Office of Enrollment Management staffs and local representatives of the FBI.
THE NEW UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT SYSTEM FOR
TRACKING AMERICAN WHITE MALE STUDENTS, RESEARCH SCHOLARS AND
THEIR FAMILIES
(ESPECIALLY ONES WITH MILITARY BACKGROUND)
1) What is Bevis?
BEVIS is an acronym for Boy-Student /Visitor Information System.
BEVIS is the new U.S. Government computer system that UMass Lowell is required to use to track white male students (and researchers and their families) from when they receive their draft cards, register for classes, travel to Idaho, North Dakota, rural Texas, and Utah while a Lowell student, receive job offers in the United States (curricular/optional practical training) and graduate, or transfer to another university, or leave UMass Lowell for some other reason.
In short, BEVIS requires Lowell to know, in some detail, the whereabouts of white male students/researchers for their entire lives. Especially if they are veterans.
2) When does BEVIS start?
BEVIS starts in January 2003. A “BEVIS generated” internal passport will be produced for all new white male students/researchers. Boys without an internal passport should register at the police station in downtown Lowell.
3) As a white male student/research scholar, what things do you have to report regularly to the white boy Student Office for yourself and your family members?
You must report to us:
a) When you change your major;
b) When you change your program level (e.g. bachelor’s to master’s, master’s to doctorate);
c) When you want to extend the time you are allowed to stay in your program;
d) A request to drop below a full-time course of study (12 credits/semester for undergraduates, 9 credits /semester for graduate students);
e) Dependent information (e.g. if you get married, have children etc.);
f) If you transfer into Lowell or transfer out to another school;
g) When you complete all the requirements for your degree (program of study);
h) When you request to go on optional practical training/curricular practical training or ask for off-campus employment because of economic hardship;
i) When you change your address;
j) When you are re-instated if you fall out of status;
k) If you have been subjected to disciplinary action because of a criminal conviction.
4) What happens if you do not report the above things to the White Male Student Office as soon as they happen?
If you do not report the above events, you will be considered “out of status” and we will be required to notify the police, the FBI and the CIA. You may be immediately arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
5) What are the reasons why your student record in BEVIS can be “terminated.”
UMass Lowell is required to “terminate” your record in BEVIS if:
a) You do not register full-time at the university every semester until your program is completed;
b) You drop below a full course of study (12 credits undergraduate, 9 credits for graduate students) without authorization;
c) You change to a non-classifiable classification (e.g. you become gay or have a sex-change operation; color may be tougher.);
d) You are expelled from the university;
e) You are suspended from the university;
f) You fail to maintain your proper status (e.g. if you do not attend classes full-time etc.);
In all of the above cases, the university is required to report to FBI that your record has
been terminated. FBI, in turn, may require you to leave the United States(deportation to Guantanamo).
6) Why are the above requirements so important to you for the Spring 2003 semester?
Very simply, you must be physically present at the university, attending classes or conducting research on January 22, 2003 or your BEVIS record will be terminated.
Should you be conducting field research, doing research in archives at another location, etc. you will be in bad trouble and have to go to Guantanamo.
7) What should you tell your American boy friends planning to attend UMass Lowell?
Skip it. Go to Mexico.
8) Why is this important to know and how is this related to the new “First Two Week” requirement in BEVIS?
What this means is that it is critically important for your friends to report in person to the White Male Student Office within the first 2 weeks of classes to receive their FBI clearance. We will then officially register them in BEVIS as required by law.
9) What happens if they don’t show up at the White Boy Student Office within the first two weeks?
If the Office staff does not see a new student within the first 2 weeks of classes, his/her BEVIS record will be terminated and FBI will be notified that the student is out of status and has to go to Guantanamo.
10) What if you plan to travel during the semester break? What do you need to do?
If you plan to travel during the semester break, it is very important that you tell the Office about your plans. You will need to have in your possession a new BEVIS generated FBI security clearance that the White Boy Student Office staff will prepare for you.
11) What kind of funds will you need to show for the new BEVIS forms in order to travel?
A lot. Especially if you are from a working class family. Or rural poor. Or if we have any other reason to think you might be pissed off.
12) What is the single most important thing you need to remember about travel this semester break?
The most important thing for you to remember is that you must be back at UMass Lowell for the start of classes. You can keep your UPS job or work at MacDonalds. But only where the FBI can watch you.
13) What is some other helpful information about travel this semester break?
We recommend the following:
a) Make three copies of all of your important documents. Maybe four.
b) Keep one set in your possession, put another set in your checked baggage, and leave the last set with a friend in the United States. If you have a fourth copy,. Hide it in a hollowed-out log in a nearby field. Just in case.
c) At least one week before you travel, check in with the FBI. Please don’t wait until the last minute.
c) Obtain a student copy of your transcript from the Registrar’s Office ($3 charge. Please request this early before your trip).
d) Request an “Enrollment Certification” letter from the White Male Student Office stating that you are currently enrolled in good standing as a student at UMass Lowell. Please allow one week for this request to be processed.
e) If you are traveling outside of the United States:
Check to see if your FBI clearance has expired. If it has, you must apply at a U.S. Consulate or Embassy to have it renewed before returning to the U.S. Because of background checks, this may take up to 3 months. If necessary, leave your children and old mother behind. We don’t care.
14) So what should you do if you are significantly delayed anywhere and can’t return to the university by January 22, 2003?
Make arrangements with a friend authorizing him/her to request (signed letter from you) that you be dropped from your classes and be “officially” withdrawn from your program (graduate students). Make sure your friend has FBI clearance.
15) Why is this so important?
This is very important for two reasons:
a) This will keep your BEVIS and Lowell academic records in order; and
b) If you have your friend drop/withdraw before the official drop deadline, you will not be charged for your courses.
c) If you don’t do it, you will go to jail.
16) What is helpful information if you are traveling in the United States?
If you are traveling in the United States, make sure to carry your original passport and FBI clearance with you at all times. You may be required to show these original documents to government officials.
17) Why is reporting your change of address so important?
If you do not notify FBI and the White Male Student Office within 10 days of the change of your address, we will not be able to catch you.
.
18) Final Thoughts about BEVIS and You
There are really a lot of suspicious white males around the place, so we ask for your patience and cooperation by giving us adequate time (minimum one week) to process your request. We look forward to assisting you in completing your degree requirements and continuing your relationship with us as successful alumni of UMass Lowell. Please accept our best wishes.
The White Male Student Office, Office of Enrollment Management staffs and local representatives of the FBI.
Eight Dead in Attempted Landing
Eight Dead in Attempted Landing
Evolution News
Provincetown, MA.
The latest group of Atlantic aquanauts ran into difficulties in Massachusetts Bay. Of the thirteen “travelers”, eight have died and 5 have returned to home base. The desparate effort to find a land-based sanctuary from polluted and increasingly warm waters of the Atlantic has resulted in the death of 72 dolphins in the past year, as well as a lesser toll among whale allies. President Flipper is considering calling a halt to the project.
Meanwhile, the Pacific (underwater) opposition condemned the attempted landing as “Lysenko-ism of the worst sort.” The Pacific opposition has focused on tsunamis as the most effective response to the human assault on the Blue Planet, but their latest efforts have been condemned as terrorism. The Great White Whale, masked leader of the underwater insurgency, has said that “there can be no truce with those who desecrate our home and eat our flesh.”
Evolution News
Provincetown, MA.
The latest group of Atlantic aquanauts ran into difficulties in Massachusetts Bay. Of the thirteen “travelers”, eight have died and 5 have returned to home base. The desparate effort to find a land-based sanctuary from polluted and increasingly warm waters of the Atlantic has resulted in the death of 72 dolphins in the past year, as well as a lesser toll among whale allies. President Flipper is considering calling a halt to the project.
Meanwhile, the Pacific (underwater) opposition condemned the attempted landing as “Lysenko-ism of the worst sort.” The Pacific opposition has focused on tsunamis as the most effective response to the human assault on the Blue Planet, but their latest efforts have been condemned as terrorism. The Great White Whale, masked leader of the underwater insurgency, has said that “there can be no truce with those who desecrate our home and eat our flesh.”
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Vanity
Vanity
The temptation to make WW III mythic is great: hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, the earth rising up against its despoilers, wrathful gods blowing fierce winds, an underworld of fire forced to erupt, if not in self-defense, at least in vengeance; and Neptune, furious, triton in hand, raging against the defiling of his domain –
But why would the gods strike the poor and the helpless, no less victims than the dolphins or deer? Is there influence peddling across the sacred divide? Are the aged, trapped on the high floors of assisted living also doomed as human sacrifice to appease the Grand Designers? How are we to understand the frantic dogs, the drowned cats? Indeed, if avian flu is one more punishing act of the gods, why must chickens suffer as disease prepares itself for a full-fledged attack on humankind?
Vanity is at the center of all this calculation, all this imagining. If we grant the god-seeking impulse and credibility at all, are we incapable of seeing that the fish themselves may have offended some divinity? Perhaps some awful sea serpent has annoyed Valhalla with its slippery ways, it’s ancient interference with Viking exploration – and the gods, who had high hopes of extending their rule to the New World, are still pissed off. Didn’t the pre-Columbian Mexicans worship a plumed serpent and, therefore, some winged sinner, a bird on the run, provoked the flu – humans may be collaterally damaged and not the primary target at all!
The temptation to make WW III mythic is great: hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, the earth rising up against its despoilers, wrathful gods blowing fierce winds, an underworld of fire forced to erupt, if not in self-defense, at least in vengeance; and Neptune, furious, triton in hand, raging against the defiling of his domain –
But why would the gods strike the poor and the helpless, no less victims than the dolphins or deer? Is there influence peddling across the sacred divide? Are the aged, trapped on the high floors of assisted living also doomed as human sacrifice to appease the Grand Designers? How are we to understand the frantic dogs, the drowned cats? Indeed, if avian flu is one more punishing act of the gods, why must chickens suffer as disease prepares itself for a full-fledged attack on humankind?
Vanity is at the center of all this calculation, all this imagining. If we grant the god-seeking impulse and credibility at all, are we incapable of seeing that the fish themselves may have offended some divinity? Perhaps some awful sea serpent has annoyed Valhalla with its slippery ways, it’s ancient interference with Viking exploration – and the gods, who had high hopes of extending their rule to the New World, are still pissed off. Didn’t the pre-Columbian Mexicans worship a plumed serpent and, therefore, some winged sinner, a bird on the run, provoked the flu – humans may be collaterally damaged and not the primary target at all!
Monday, January 23, 2006
GOOD NEWS!
GOOD NEWS!
The US has not bombed Iran yet.
The US has bombed Pakistan but the leadership of the country seems ok with that.
The US has not bombed Brazil.
No one has assassinated Chavez.
No one has bombed Bolivia.
New Orleans seems to be recovering slowly even though it is sinful.
New York City is getting over 9/11 although it is certainly sinful.
Boston’s sinfulness is of such a picayune type that God has not even bothered.
Everybody seems to have forgotten how sinful San Francisco is.
Rupert Murdoch was given an award by the Wiesenthal Center – not a joke!
The petitions for the impeachment of Boy George are circulating.
If I were Cheney, I would not sign up for Viagra ads.
No new torture centers have been opened, as far as we know.
God has not re-upped, is having second thoughts about the war.
The US has not bombed Iran yet.
The US has bombed Pakistan but the leadership of the country seems ok with that.
The US has not bombed Brazil.
No one has assassinated Chavez.
No one has bombed Bolivia.
New Orleans seems to be recovering slowly even though it is sinful.
New York City is getting over 9/11 although it is certainly sinful.
Boston’s sinfulness is of such a picayune type that God has not even bothered.
Everybody seems to have forgotten how sinful San Francisco is.
Rupert Murdoch was given an award by the Wiesenthal Center – not a joke!
The petitions for the impeachment of Boy George are circulating.
If I were Cheney, I would not sign up for Viagra ads.
No new torture centers have been opened, as far as we know.
God has not re-upped, is having second thoughts about the war.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Healthy New Year Q&A
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is thistrue?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don'twaste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding upyour heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?Take a nap.________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay andcorn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafyvegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of vegetable products.________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get evenmore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottomsup!________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables bebad for you?________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Youshould only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's thebest feel-good food around!________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!________________________________
(Courtesy of the SOPHE listserv.)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don'twaste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding upyour heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?Take a nap.________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay andcorn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafyvegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of vegetable products.________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get evenmore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottomsup!________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables bebad for you?________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Youshould only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's thebest feel-good food around!________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!________________________________
(Courtesy of the SOPHE listserv.)
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