Vatican City: Inter-religious Press Dispatch
Saint Fluenza Canonized! He Puked for our Sins!
In a surprise announcement, the Vatican announced today that Father Lou Fluenza has been canonized for his amazing martyrdom and the subsequent cures that Polish Freedom Fighters have reported for the last century. Father Flu, as he was affectionately known, shit and puked for days and days, far beyond what is required by the normal flu virus, and survived to spend the rest of his days in the high Tatras, muttering about his bowels and curing the innocent. Confirmation of the miracles he rendered has arrived recently with the opening of the previously-restricted Soviet KGB medical files.
"Just because he was an informer," said the Bishop of Cracow, "that's no reason to deny the good that St. Flu did!"
St. Fluenza's remains, especially his carefully preserved entrails, are to be exhumed and flown Italy where they will be kept in a special crypt. Miracle cures can be arranged by appointment only.
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