A Different Rendition
"I thought you meant something else!" said the President's spokesperson. "Here I was humming along, la la la, and I thought you wanted a different tune! So I offered another rendition!"
Hmm, said the interviewer from HG&W.
"Gee whiz, we never meant to hurt anybody by interrogating prisoners in Poland and Ethiopia. They just had better facilities for singing along! You know, la la la, a better rendition!"
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Slipped Under the Door of the HG&W
This communique was slipped under the door of the offices of the HG&W. Could this be a spoof?
•
UK Faculty Convention Decides to Boycott British Universities
In support of the petition from academics in the Falkland Islands, Bermuda and all the other hot spots and crown colonies still part of the British Empire, not to mention Iraq, we are calling for a boycott of British Universities. The history of India/Pakistan, Israel/Palestine, Ireland/Ireland is replete with the guilty role of the United Kingdom. We refuse to participate in such a system, even if it is a pathetic shadow of its former self.
No more teaching!
No more school!
Teacher, leave that kid alone!
The committee will assist all faculty interested in emigrating to the UAE, Saudi Arabia or other countries oppressed or semi-oppressed by Western Imperialism. Only people with previous bar-tending experience are eligible for posts in Hongkong.
•
UK Faculty Convention Decides to Boycott British Universities
In support of the petition from academics in the Falkland Islands, Bermuda and all the other hot spots and crown colonies still part of the British Empire, not to mention Iraq, we are calling for a boycott of British Universities. The history of India/Pakistan, Israel/Palestine, Ireland/Ireland is replete with the guilty role of the United Kingdom. We refuse to participate in such a system, even if it is a pathetic shadow of its former self.
No more teaching!
No more school!
Teacher, leave that kid alone!
The committee will assist all faculty interested in emigrating to the UAE, Saudi Arabia or other countries oppressed or semi-oppressed by Western Imperialism. Only people with previous bar-tending experience are eligible for posts in Hongkong.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The People Want to Know about Polyps!
Popular Science
Salerno G, Sinnatamby C, Branagan G, Daniels IR, Heald RJ, Moran BJ.
Defining the rectum: surgically, radiologically and anatomically.
Colorectal Dis. 2006 Sep;8 Suppl 3:5-9. Review.
Why does it take 6 people to define an asshole?
Salerno G, Sinnatamby C, Branagan G, Daniels IR, Heald RJ, Moran BJ.
Defining the rectum: surgically, radiologically and anatomically.
Colorectal Dis. 2006 Sep;8 Suppl 3:5-9. Review.
Why does it take 6 people to define an asshole?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Polyp Sale to Benefit Children
Bush Polyps to be Sold on E-Bay.
Proceeds will benefit health insurance for children. What a guy!
After the filthy liberal press reported that Presidente Bush would veto legislation concerned with not quite poor children and their medical care, the Administration announced that he was not a monster and that he would donate the proceeds from the sale of five polyps recently extracted from his colon to charities concerned with children's health.
"I'll buy! Where can you get a polyp from such an asshole!" said a Texas millionairess. "Why I'd give $10 million for a wart! You can imagine what these little buggers will bring!"
Proceeds will benefit health insurance for children. What a guy!
After the filthy liberal press reported that Presidente Bush would veto legislation concerned with not quite poor children and their medical care, the Administration announced that he was not a monster and that he would donate the proceeds from the sale of five polyps recently extracted from his colon to charities concerned with children's health.
"I'll buy! Where can you get a polyp from such an asshole!" said a Texas millionairess. "Why I'd give $10 million for a wart! You can imagine what these little buggers will bring!"
Friday, July 20, 2007
"You cut the Turkey?"
News Analysis
Secret deal between EU and US to undermine Turkey? Is that what this whole Iraq-thing is about? Liberate the Kurds and they'll make sure that Turkey is pre-occupied with torturing them rather than trying to get into the EU! This may even be an Armenian revenge scheme for the you-know-what. Does that mean that there is a conspiracy? Is there a coalition of the willing to fuck Turkey? Or, as my old friend would say,
"You cut the turkey? You cut the turkey? You couldn't wait?"
Secret deal between EU and US to undermine Turkey? Is that what this whole Iraq-thing is about? Liberate the Kurds and they'll make sure that Turkey is pre-occupied with torturing them rather than trying to get into the EU! This may even be an Armenian revenge scheme for the you-know-what. Does that mean that there is a conspiracy? Is there a coalition of the willing to fuck Turkey? Or, as my old friend would say,
"You cut the turkey? You cut the turkey? You couldn't wait?"
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The Difference between Irony and Cynicism is ...
From Pesticide Action Network
U.S. wheat contaminated with malathion:
Taiwan authorities rejected a shipment of 9,000 tons of U.S. wheat last week when tests revealed contamination with malathion. Malathion is an organophosphate pesticide that is neurotoxic. Reuters India reported that Taiwan's deputy director of the national food safety department said, "[Although] Taiwan currently does not permit any detectable traces of the pesticide residue in wheat, the government was moving towards a policy of allowing small detectable amounts." Taiwan imports about one million tons of wheat from the U.S. each year.
U.S. wheat contaminated with malathion:
Taiwan authorities rejected a shipment of 9,000 tons of U.S. wheat last week when tests revealed contamination with malathion. Malathion is an organophosphate pesticide that is neurotoxic. Reuters India reported that Taiwan's deputy director of the national food safety department said, "[Although] Taiwan currently does not permit any detectable traces of the pesticide residue in wheat, the government was moving towards a policy of allowing small detectable amounts." Taiwan imports about one million tons of wheat from the U.S. each year.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
"It's all been downhill after that!"
(from the New York Times)
1533 Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII.
1767 John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.
1798 The U.S. Marine Corps was created by an act of Congress.
1804 Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel near Weehawken, N.J.
1914 Baseball Hall of Famer Babe Ruth made his major league debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park. (Ruth struck out in his first at-bat and didn't figure in the decision in Boston's 4-3 victory over the Cleveland Naps.)
1952 The Republican National Convention, meeting in Chicago, nominated Dwight D. Eisenhower for president and Richard M. Nixon for vice president.
1533 Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII.
1767 John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.
1798 The U.S. Marine Corps was created by an act of Congress.
1804 Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel near Weehawken, N.J.
1914 Baseball Hall of Famer Babe Ruth made his major league debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park. (Ruth struck out in his first at-bat and didn't figure in the decision in Boston's 4-3 victory over the Cleveland Naps.)
1952 The Republican National Convention, meeting in Chicago, nominated Dwight D. Eisenhower for president and Richard M. Nixon for vice president.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
More New Words for the Year
Dear Crispy,
I got an idea yesterday for the name of a hummer hybrid (if anyone ever invents a hummer hybrid) - they should call it "The Humbrid".
And today I got an idea for a cook book of all pasta based recipes, including wheat free pasta recipes: "Pastabilities"
And another - "Skypable" - for when you want to ask someone by email or text message if they are available to skype with you.
With great affection and appreciation for the fantastic job you are doing with the HG&W.
Natasha
I got an idea yesterday for the name of a hummer hybrid (if anyone ever invents a hummer hybrid) - they should call it "The Humbrid".
And today I got an idea for a cook book of all pasta based recipes, including wheat free pasta recipes: "Pastabilities"
And another - "Skypable" - for when you want to ask someone by email or text message if they are available to skype with you.
With great affection and appreciation for the fantastic job you are doing with the HG&W.
Natasha
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Justice in a Quandry
The Inside Story: Judges in a Quandry!
Here's the inside story: Some Supreme Court Justices are saying that they all ought to step down from their jobs, since they are not needed any more. "The President and the Vice President are doing such a good job and they don't want anybody second-guessing them, so we should just resign as a token of our faith in the Bush Government!" said by Judge Roberts -- but refuted by Justice Scalia -- "No way! I need the money! We don't have to do anything and we can just get our pay checks. What are you some kind of idiot?"
Meanwhile, the centrist justices who now think they are liberals are chortling away/ "Well, finally something is splitting the bastards! All they do is turn down cases and when they finally get one they reverse the previous court decisions -- So who needs them? Let them quit!" This was said anonymously. Outside opinion is quite mixed. Tony Blair said that he is praying for guidance.
Here's the inside story: Some Supreme Court Justices are saying that they all ought to step down from their jobs, since they are not needed any more. "The President and the Vice President are doing such a good job and they don't want anybody second-guessing them, so we should just resign as a token of our faith in the Bush Government!" said by Judge Roberts -- but refuted by Justice Scalia -- "No way! I need the money! We don't have to do anything and we can just get our pay checks. What are you some kind of idiot?"
Meanwhile, the centrist justices who now think they are liberals are chortling away/ "Well, finally something is splitting the bastards! All they do is turn down cases and when they finally get one they reverse the previous court decisions -- So who needs them? Let them quit!" This was said anonymously. Outside opinion is quite mixed. Tony Blair said that he is praying for guidance.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Wasp Sex
If you click on the space above, you will see nasty Wasps having sex. So the lies about non-expressive, non-emotional, etc., are hereby exposed.
Single Payer Under Attack
Special speculation from Michigan:
"So do you think the supposed conspiracy to blow up London by a group of al Qaeda linked doctors is really a plot to de-legitimize social medicine. Not only do you have to wait in lines, you have to import foreign terrorist doctors?"
Hmmmmm.
"So do you think the supposed conspiracy to blow up London by a group of al Qaeda linked doctors is really a plot to de-legitimize social medicine. Not only do you have to wait in lines, you have to import foreign terrorist doctors?"
Hmmmmm.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Commuterists Reject Libby!
Commuters Reject Libby!
Alexandria, special to the HG&W
The Commuters Party USA announced today that Scooter (Scootin) Libby was no Commuter and would not be eligible to participate in the World Cup Games as long as he continued to deny that he was a complete patsy. "This man wants a pardon from that asshole president he's covering up for! We'll have nothing to do with him!" said a spokesman for the CPUSA on the condition of anonymity.
Meanwhile, back in D.C., the President was heard muttering to himself -- "Rule of law? What's the rule of law? Who said "rule of law" anyway? Cheney said I could do anything I want and so could he!" He then paused in his walk, looked out at the secret servicemen, the public bystanders and the waiting photographers and screamed: "I'm the Man! I'm the Man!" Wild rumors are circulating that the Pres cannot get to his coke dealer with all these people hanging about and he is beginning to feel the pinch.
Alexandria, special to the HG&W
The Commuters Party USA announced today that Scooter (Scootin) Libby was no Commuter and would not be eligible to participate in the World Cup Games as long as he continued to deny that he was a complete patsy. "This man wants a pardon from that asshole president he's covering up for! We'll have nothing to do with him!" said a spokesman for the CPUSA on the condition of anonymity.
Meanwhile, back in D.C., the President was heard muttering to himself -- "Rule of law? What's the rule of law? Who said "rule of law" anyway? Cheney said I could do anything I want and so could he!" He then paused in his walk, looked out at the secret servicemen, the public bystanders and the waiting photographers and screamed: "I'm the Man! I'm the Man!" Wild rumors are circulating that the Pres cannot get to his coke dealer with all these people hanging about and he is beginning to feel the pinch.
Was Scooter a Mole?
Was Scooter a Mole?
Alexandria, VA. From a special speculator.
The question has arisen about Scooter Libby: was he a mole or a sleeper so deeply embedded that he never woke up -- like the Japanese soldiers who did not learn about the end of the Second World War until years after Hiroshima?
Some questions: Didn't we used to worry about CIA agents being exposed by an enemy? Didn't we hear about networks of agents being "rolled up" by the work of informants and spies and moles?
More: Isn't there a strange affinity between the names "Putin" and "Scooter"? {utin after all was in the KGB! Was Scooter originally Scutin? Was "Libby" something invented or borrowed from a can of fruit?
And even more: If Scutin was a mole, was Cheney really a Rasputin? What if this whole thing is a plot? And is that why The President has commuted his sentence? Note the "Commuted" -- not pardoned! Is this a Commuted Party thing?
Alexandria, VA. From a special speculator.
The question has arisen about Scooter Libby: was he a mole or a sleeper so deeply embedded that he never woke up -- like the Japanese soldiers who did not learn about the end of the Second World War until years after Hiroshima?
Some questions: Didn't we used to worry about CIA agents being exposed by an enemy? Didn't we hear about networks of agents being "rolled up" by the work of informants and spies and moles?
More: Isn't there a strange affinity between the names "Putin" and "Scooter"? {utin after all was in the KGB! Was Scooter originally Scutin? Was "Libby" something invented or borrowed from a can of fruit?
And even more: If Scutin was a mole, was Cheney really a Rasputin? What if this whole thing is a plot? And is that why The President has commuted his sentence? Note the "Commuted" -- not pardoned! Is this a Commuted Party thing?
"We're shocked"
From the New York Times
NATIONAL | July 5, 2007
Contractors Face Combat-Related Stress After Iraq
By JAMES RISEN
Many private workers are returning home with combat-related mental health problems, but their problems often go ignored or are inadequately treated.
And the insurer is:
A I G
NATIONAL | July 5, 2007
Contractors Face Combat-Related Stress After Iraq
By JAMES RISEN
Many private workers are returning home with combat-related mental health problems, but their problems often go ignored or are inadequately treated.
And the insurer is:
A I G
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Empire Day
Washington: by special correspondent
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that rather than celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we would now celebrate Empire Day. This is a trick to convince terrorists that they are in the wrong country. By this evening at 10:52 PM, there was clear evidence that the ruse had worked -- not a single non-accredited explosive had been set off! It's wonderful to be in a smart, not to mention brave and beautiful land.
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that rather than celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we would now celebrate Empire Day. This is a trick to convince terrorists that they are in the wrong country. By this evening at 10:52 PM, there was clear evidence that the ruse had worked -- not a single non-accredited explosive had been set off! It's wonderful to be in a smart, not to mention brave and beautiful land.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Gulag Americana: Not a Joke
On June 30, 2006--
-- 2,245,189 prisoners were held in Federal or State prisons or in local jails -- an increase of 2.8% from midyear 2005, less than the average annual growth of 3.4% since year end 1995.
-- there were an estimated 497 prison inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents -- up from 411 at year end 1995.
-- the number of women under the jurisdiction of State or Federal prison authorities increased 4.8% from midyear 2005, reaching 111,403 and the number of men rose 2.7%, totaling 1,445,115.
At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000 Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males.
-- 2,245,189 prisoners were held in Federal or State prisons or in local jails -- an increase of 2.8% from midyear 2005, less than the average annual growth of 3.4% since year end 1995.
-- there were an estimated 497 prison inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents -- up from 411 at year end 1995.
-- the number of women under the jurisdiction of State or Federal prison authorities increased 4.8% from midyear 2005, reaching 111,403 and the number of men rose 2.7%, totaling 1,445,115.
At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000 Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males.
A Think Piece
A Think Piece
According to today's news, mice subjected to extraordinary stress generate a chemical which causes them to overeat and become obese. Scientists are considering ways to interfere with the pathway from stress-related-chemical to obesity thereby permitting the mice to remain stressed but svelte. The mice are so grateful.
According to today's news, mice subjected to extraordinary stress generate a chemical which causes them to overeat and become obese. Scientists are considering ways to interfere with the pathway from stress-related-chemical to obesity thereby permitting the mice to remain stressed but svelte. The mice are so grateful.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
"I am not a fascist!" says the Chainman
Special from Washington
"I am not a fascist!" says the Chainman.
Vice President Cheney stated unequivocally last night that he was not a "fascist". "You people ought to stop calling me a fascist!" complained the VP. "I am just above the law in all normal ways and trying to do my job!"
Meanwhile, back in NYC, former mayor Giuliani announced that he might really want to be vice president, instead of president, since it seemed like the VP had a lot of things going for him while any idiot could be president.
Demonstrators outside the White House could not figure out if they should be there or where ever the hell VP Cheney hangs out. They were carrying signs proclaiming,
WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! YOU HAVE NOTHING LOSE BUT YOUR CHENEYS!
"I am not a fascist!" says the Chainman.
Vice President Cheney stated unequivocally last night that he was not a "fascist". "You people ought to stop calling me a fascist!" complained the VP. "I am just above the law in all normal ways and trying to do my job!"
Meanwhile, back in NYC, former mayor Giuliani announced that he might really want to be vice president, instead of president, since it seemed like the VP had a lot of things going for him while any idiot could be president.
Demonstrators outside the White House could not figure out if they should be there or where ever the hell VP Cheney hangs out. They were carrying signs proclaiming,
WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! YOU HAVE NOTHING LOSE BUT YOUR CHENEYS!
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