The New War on Killing Miners

Special from Morgantown:

The New War on Killing Miners

The Bush Administration's MSHA, which barely exists anyway, has called for a "new war on killing miners." Top officials have proposed an innovative program to have miners retrained to grow poppies on land previously strip-mined or just stripped.

"The war on drugs is not working anyway, and we're spending all this money abroad," said informed sources. "We should just grow the damned stuff at home, reduce the deficit in our trade, save the lives of miners and launch our new energy policy -- all of this with one big, new, War on Something!"

The miners union has asked for assurances that the administration will block immigrant workers from taking the new poppy-growing jobs in the US. "This is work that we need and that we deserve. Imagine going down into those shit-holes year after year! For that matter, imagine tearing up the front yard, the back yard, the school yard, and stripping out coal for some damned company that's prepared to sacrifice you and your everything for a few bucks! Too hell with them," said a leading official.

General Foods, RJR, Johns Manville and several other un-named producers of nasty products are all considering going into the poppy-growing business if this new program gets off the ground. "Marijuana! That's nothing!, " said a Pfizer rep. "This is really the big time! Right up there with Viagra!" Halliburton Educational Corporation has indicated its interest in the re-training program which, if approved, could "amount to some real money", said a close associate of the former chief executive of the company. "We would give this to Scoop," he said. "He's really having a hard time getting work these days."