A Think-Piece from Natasha

From Natasha: European Correspondent

It seems that there is need for a new world religion, one that brings together the 3 major world religions - Islam, Judaism, and Christianity. It should be called "Iskvetchianity".

Iskvetchianity levels the proverbial playing field. Martyrdom is important in all 3 religions, although this is in fact a gray area for Jews, who, in principle, do not believe in heaven or hell (Jews think they get enough of that in the here and now - why bother thinking of more for later.). But spiritual Jews often believe in some form of continuous existence in life after life after life. So, for those Jews who believe that there is some form of continuation of spirit or soul after the here and now, Iskvetchianity should bring relief. Why?

Iskevtchianity recognizes the weakness of humans. Thus, this new global religion allows for kvetching (complaining (Wikepedia, 600AD) in martyrs, or in people trying to get recognized as martyrs. Up to now, in any religion, it has been forbidden to kvetch no matter how much you are being tortured, or for how long, for a good cause. Jesus was not permitted to so much as utter a groan while on the stake. Joan of Arc was not allowed to express her frustration about being horse-bound day and night for months on end. This is not fair, and does not consider the scientific limitations of the human organism and human brain chemistry. Humans need to kvetch - especially Jewish humans, who have a genetic predisposition to kvetch more than anyone. This allows them to expel excess quantities of carbon dioxide, allowing them to be less tired, work harder and longer hours and thus achieve more senior positions in family-owned jewellery shops than people of either the Islamic or Christian faith.

The world needs more martyrs. More martyrs would mean there are more people dedicated to a cause, so much that they are willing to die for it. In the pre-2008 Presidential election period, more martyrs are needed on any number of critical issues - such as health care reform, education reform (look how badly our students write today), foreign policy reform, budget balancing, and so on. More martyrs would mean more causes reach the media (the media today loves a good martyr death). But if people knew they were allowed to kvetch while being a martyr, there certainly would be a significant increase in numbers of martyrs. A poll done by the Society for Improved People found that 87% of individuals in a 100 million household survey in Azerbaijan, Iran, Italy, France, Israel and the USA said they dreamed of being a martyr but were scared off because they knew the martyrdom process was certain to hurt and they would not be allowed to kvetch. Self selection out of the martyrdom process for people supporting a variety of causes reduced the pool of potential martyrs to approximately 0 (when controlling for those taking anti-psychotic drugs).

Iskvetchianity brings people together around the world, people who thought they were divided by principles and rules of engagement. Isvketchianity now gives people of all three major religions in the world equal opportunity to aspire to new heights.

Join now - a local chapter is just around your corner.