(with apologies to The New York Times and gratitude as well.)
I. July 28, Vienna
No formal declaration of war against Servia, the Emperor ordered removal of Summer Court from Texas to the capital. His entourage tried to persuade him that Vienna air would not suit him, but the stupid coke-head Emperor replied:
"I do not want the air of Vienna. I want the atmosphere of headquarters."
The railways are under military control, the telegraphs are reserved entirely for the service of the State. The airlines are bankrupt. Television always was under government control, so no problem there. Automobiles cannot be touched, but gasoline prices -- The internet – oh damn the internet – geek-to-geek communication.
Some hope the war will be confined to Austria-Hungary and Servia. Russia and France have not intervened. Any action by those powers must be supported by Great Britain, the third party to the Triple Entente. But Blair and Chirac do not want a European war. Peace rests on St. Petersburg.
II. Headlines: Notice Sent to the Powers of the Opening of Hostilities
Servian Vessels Seized; Sharp Fighting Along the Rio Grande: Counter Invasion Plan -- Montenegrin and Serb Armies to Invade Arizona and Start a Rebellion; Kaiser Declines to Exert Pressure on Texan Ally, But Reply Is Conciliatory; Blair Has Faith That His Influence Will Avert General Conflict
Putin's Forces Mass on Eastern Border, New England Agog: His Capital Expects War and Counts Confidently on England's Aid: Mobilization Order Ready: German Official Says Its Issue Would Mean Launching of Kaiser's Army
III. Food Prices Up
Abnormal rise in price of provisions today, caused great public indignation, flocked to Walmart, Target, Store 24, in anticipation of scarcity. Veggies trebled in price, although God knows what one would do with six months of tomatoes. Feeling ran so high that Nieman-Marcus was mobbed or haute coutre staff assaulted, the police called out to restore order. The authorities declare that the sudden increase in the prices of provisions and vegetables is totally unwarranted. Oil, of course, that’s another story.
A permanent committee appointed to deal with provisioning the country, sat today to discuss price regulation in order to prevent the public being cheated. They left for Texas immediately after the opening session.
Official arrangements have been made to take care of families of reservists called to the colors. In the event of a reservist being killed or reported missing an allowance of about 25 cents per day for each adult and 12 1-2 cents a day for children will be continued for six months. Right.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my tail in joy. 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!Life is soooooooo great!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strengthThe only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
EU Demands New Vote
Brussels:
After review of the 2000 and 2004 elections in the United States, a special commission of the Euroepean Union has reported that in both years the elections were rigged. In 2000, the EU reported, the Supreme Court of the United States endorsed a rigged election in Florida and essentially permitted a coup. A coalition of military, corporate and right wing religious interests succeeded in seizing power despite their failures at the polls. In 2004, the election results in Ohio were engineered by the same coalition. The EU is calling for new elections and protest groups carrying orange flags are gathering in Washington, Tallahassee, Columbus, and New York.
After review of the 2000 and 2004 elections in the United States, a special commission of the Euroepean Union has reported that in both years the elections were rigged. In 2000, the EU reported, the Supreme Court of the United States endorsed a rigged election in Florida and essentially permitted a coup. A coalition of military, corporate and right wing religious interests succeeded in seizing power despite their failures at the polls. In 2004, the election results in Ohio were engineered by the same coalition. The EU is calling for new elections and protest groups carrying orange flags are gathering in Washington, Tallahassee, Columbus, and New York.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
WHY EPIDEMIOLOGISTS NEVER APPEAR ON CSI
from http://www.familiesagainstcancer.org/?id=256
without asking for permission.
October 11, 2005
WHY EPIDEMIOLOGISTS NEVER APPEAR ON CSI
Why Epidemiologists Never Appear on CSI
By Kate Parker Adams
Doctoral Candidate,
Epidemiology
Woman: Hello?
Epidemiologist: Hi. I'm Dr. P. Value, epidemiologist with the State Department of Public Health. I understand you called the police?
W: Yes, I did. I think my roommate has been murdered.
E: Okay, do you have her body?
W: Uh, no. But I can't get her on her cell phone and it's been a week since...
E: Then why do you think there was a murder?
W: Just look at this place! I came home from vacation and my furniture was trashed and there is blood spattered everywhere!
E: Well, "blood everywhere" doesn't automatically correlate with the occurrence of a homicide. There are many other sources of blood in a typical city. If it came from two animals fighting, we may never know ...
W: Aren't you going to gather any evidence?
E: Sure we will, if our preliminary scientific investigation indicates there was a murder that is. But first we need to determine that there is some significant chance she was murdered. That takes some time ...
W: BUT THERE IS BLOOD ALL OVER THIS APARTMENT!
E: Calm Down! You don't want to panic the neighbors ...
W: Okay, okay ... but how long is this going to take?E: Well, lets see. First, we must determine if there has even been a murder. In order to do that, we have to draft a protocol for a study and get it approved. That should take about six months, maybe eight.
W: Eight months?? Then what.
E: Well, then we do a study to see if there was a murder and, if so, if this is out of the ordinary for your neighborhood.
W: And how long will that take?
E: Another six months. Then if we indeed find that this was an unusual event, we will come back to your apartment and gather some evidence.
W: A year? It will take a year before you will even gather any evidence from my apartment?
E: About that. We have to be scientific. Careful, thorough science takes time you know.
W: But this is the third murder in this building this month! Aren't you going to do something about that?
E: Well, first of all, we don't know whether these were murders or untimely deaths or abductions, or disappearances. All those possible outcomes would require separate studies...
W: BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO LIVE?
E: Shhh! You'll panic the neighborhood. Besides, even if there is foul play that alone does not indicate that these incidents were connected. If you average three murders over the population of the entire county, statistically speaking you are safer here than most people in the state! There's nothing to worry about.
W: But what about my apartment?
E: Relax. I haven't seen a single peer-reviewed scientific study that correlates living in a blood-soaked apartment with any adverse health outcomes, including murder. In fact, you'd do better to take stress management classes, lose some weight and quit smoking if you want to live a long healthy life.Let me take your name and phone number and we will issue a press release when we are ready to start the first phase of our investigation. Good luck.
without asking for permission.
October 11, 2005
WHY EPIDEMIOLOGISTS NEVER APPEAR ON CSI
Why Epidemiologists Never Appear on CSI
By Kate Parker Adams
Doctoral Candidate,
Epidemiology
Woman: Hello?
Epidemiologist: Hi. I'm Dr. P. Value, epidemiologist with the State Department of Public Health. I understand you called the police?
W: Yes, I did. I think my roommate has been murdered.
E: Okay, do you have her body?
W: Uh, no. But I can't get her on her cell phone and it's been a week since...
E: Then why do you think there was a murder?
W: Just look at this place! I came home from vacation and my furniture was trashed and there is blood spattered everywhere!
E: Well, "blood everywhere" doesn't automatically correlate with the occurrence of a homicide. There are many other sources of blood in a typical city. If it came from two animals fighting, we may never know ...
W: Aren't you going to gather any evidence?
E: Sure we will, if our preliminary scientific investigation indicates there was a murder that is. But first we need to determine that there is some significant chance she was murdered. That takes some time ...
W: BUT THERE IS BLOOD ALL OVER THIS APARTMENT!
E: Calm Down! You don't want to panic the neighbors ...
W: Okay, okay ... but how long is this going to take?E: Well, lets see. First, we must determine if there has even been a murder. In order to do that, we have to draft a protocol for a study and get it approved. That should take about six months, maybe eight.
W: Eight months?? Then what.
E: Well, then we do a study to see if there was a murder and, if so, if this is out of the ordinary for your neighborhood.
W: And how long will that take?
E: Another six months. Then if we indeed find that this was an unusual event, we will come back to your apartment and gather some evidence.
W: A year? It will take a year before you will even gather any evidence from my apartment?
E: About that. We have to be scientific. Careful, thorough science takes time you know.
W: But this is the third murder in this building this month! Aren't you going to do something about that?
E: Well, first of all, we don't know whether these were murders or untimely deaths or abductions, or disappearances. All those possible outcomes would require separate studies...
W: BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO LIVE?
E: Shhh! You'll panic the neighborhood. Besides, even if there is foul play that alone does not indicate that these incidents were connected. If you average three murders over the population of the entire county, statistically speaking you are safer here than most people in the state! There's nothing to worry about.
W: But what about my apartment?
E: Relax. I haven't seen a single peer-reviewed scientific study that correlates living in a blood-soaked apartment with any adverse health outcomes, including murder. In fact, you'd do better to take stress management classes, lose some weight and quit smoking if you want to live a long healthy life.Let me take your name and phone number and we will issue a press release when we are ready to start the first phase of our investigation. Good luck.
Monday, February 27, 2006
The 23rd Qualm
(from an anonymous author on the internet)
The 23rd Qualm
George Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his
ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they
discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy
religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the
days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
Oy, Gevalt.
The 23rd Qualm
George Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his
ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they
discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy
religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the
days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
Oy, Gevalt.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Sometimes It Helps to Review Old Stories - Not Original, but Useful Lessons
MANAGEMENT LESSONS
*****************************
Lesson Number One
*****************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three *******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you are in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
MANAGEMENT LESSONS
*****************************
Lesson Number One
*****************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three *******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you are in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Monday, February 20, 2006
W Has Energizing Idea - Nukular Power
The Nero News Service, "As the World Burns"
In U.S. President Bush's Saturday radio address to the nation (2/18/06), he said that he has a plan to help us get off of our addiction to oil - nukular power. Yup, that's right, why smoke pot when you can shoot up heroin.
He reported that nukular engergy is "safe and clean" and it generates "large amounts of low-cost electricity without emitting air pollution or greenhouse gases." Concerned about protecting Americans and the world from the projected horrors of global warming, W is seeking ways of cutting down on greenhouse gasses.
"Look, greenhouse gasses can't be shot down out of the air like quail - heh heh. If they could, I'd have the Vice President take care of it for us, and I'd have him bring some hunting buddies along, like maybe John McCain and Hillary Clinton. We got us a problem. It's called Bovine Flatulence. Yep, that's right, cow farts. They are a major source of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas. Now, I'm not proposing that Americans are addicted to beef or anything like that. After all, when I stop being president, I'll be making Got Milk? ads like everyone else. So, we have to come up with a plan. That plan is to make E-lek-tricity from nukular power. It's simple, clean, and Dick Cheney says its a great way to make lots of money."
The Plan: Taking a page from the Reagan White House's Star Wars, where a technology was proposed to save us before it even existed, the president has proposed two really good ideas, based upon the available and probably true intelligence from key sources in the Nuclear Energy Institute, the in
dustry's lobbying and promotional outlet (see www.nei.org for W's nukular power speeches before he gives them). The first idea is to use smaller reactors in other countries that don't have the technology to build bigger reactors. Of course, the smaller reactor technology doesn't exist, but neither did Star Wars, and we still managed to spend a lot of money on it. Besides, the president found a drawing of a small reactor, so he figures the real thing can't be far off into the future, else, how would someone have been able to draw a picture of it.
There, isn't that a cute little reactor?
The next idea is for taking care of the tons of radioactive hazardous waste that comes out the other end of the greenhouse free power plant. Yep, that's right, no greenhouse gas emissions, but plenty of nasty highly radioactive crap coming out the back end of the plant. Well for that his answer is to return the used fuel (radioactive waste) to a fuel supplier nation and recycle it using a process that does not result in separated plutonium, according to the US Energy Department. The recycled fuel would then be used in advanced burner reactors in fuel supplier nations.
ONE LITTLE PROBLEM, sort of like the little problem with the small reactors....
<>The advanced burner reactors do not yet exist either. These fast reactors would consume transuranic elements - plutonium and other long-lived radioactive material with atomic numbers higher than uranium - while extracting their energy. Here, the word burn does not mean incinerate or combust, the Energy Department explains, it means to transmute or convert transuranics into shorter-lived isotopes. Do you get the picture???? Rope-a-dope, Mission Accomplished - again.
Yup, we're going to find ways to pay for the spread of nukular reactors around the world while we take decades to develop the new technologies to make this possible in the vision of W. Here's what our fearless leader, who one right-wing nutcase is calling, The Rebel In Chief (see book by Fred Barnes if you want) was told to tell us would happen...
"these countries would agree to use nuclear power only for civilian purposes and forego uranium enrichment and reprocessing activities that can be used to develop nuclear weapons."
and, remember, the weapons of mass destruction were hidden in Iraq....
Now, what this involves is nukular fuel reprocessing.
So, in the words of Charles Mingus, when the nukular explosion comes, "you can kiss your ass goodbye."
Someday, see the film The Journey by Peter Watkins, 1988. A 14.5 hour movie about the international war machine and the international peace movement.
Good night and good luck.
Be well, keep your feet on the ground most of the time, but jump for joy regularly.
For real news coverage, as opposed to the Nero News Service, see
http://www.ens-newswire.com/ens/feb2006/2006-02-20-03.asp
In U.S. President Bush's Saturday radio address to the nation (2/18/06), he said that he has a plan to help us get off of our addiction to oil - nukular power. Yup, that's right, why smoke pot when you can shoot up heroin.
He reported that nukular engergy is "safe and clean" and it generates "large amounts of low-cost electricity without emitting air pollution or greenhouse gases." Concerned about protecting Americans and the world from the projected horrors of global warming, W is seeking ways of cutting down on greenhouse gasses.
"Look, greenhouse gasses can't be shot down out of the air like quail - heh heh. If they could, I'd have the Vice President take care of it for us, and I'd have him bring some hunting buddies along, like maybe John McCain and Hillary Clinton. We got us a problem. It's called Bovine Flatulence. Yep, that's right, cow farts. They are a major source of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas. Now, I'm not proposing that Americans are addicted to beef or anything like that. After all, when I stop being president, I'll be making Got Milk? ads like everyone else. So, we have to come up with a plan. That plan is to make E-lek-tricity from nukular power. It's simple, clean, and Dick Cheney says its a great way to make lots of money."
The Plan: Taking a page from the Reagan White House's Star Wars, where a technology was proposed to save us before it even existed, the president has proposed two really good ideas, based upon the available and probably true intelligence from key sources in the Nuclear Energy Institute, the in
dustry's lobbying and promotional outlet (see www.nei.org for W's nukular power speeches before he gives them). The first idea is to use smaller reactors in other countries that don't have the technology to build bigger reactors. Of course, the smaller reactor technology doesn't exist, but neither did Star Wars, and we still managed to spend a lot of money on it. Besides, the president found a drawing of a small reactor, so he figures the real thing can't be far off into the future, else, how would someone have been able to draw a picture of it.There, isn't that a cute little reactor?
The next idea is for taking care of the tons of radioactive hazardous waste that comes out the other end of the greenhouse free power plant. Yep, that's right, no greenhouse gas emissions, but plenty of nasty highly radioactive crap coming out the back end of the plant. Well for that his answer is to return the used fuel (radioactive waste) to a fuel supplier nation and recycle it using a process that does not result in separated plutonium, according to the US Energy Department. The recycled fuel would then be used in advanced burner reactors in fuel supplier nations.
ONE LITTLE PROBLEM, sort of like the little problem with the small reactors....
<>The advanced burner reactors do not yet exist either. These fast reactors would consume transuranic elements - plutonium and other long-lived radioactive material with atomic numbers higher than uranium - while extracting their energy. Here, the word burn does not mean incinerate or combust, the Energy Department explains, it means to transmute or convert transuranics into shorter-lived isotopes. Do you get the picture???? Rope-a-dope, Mission Accomplished - again.
Yup, we're going to find ways to pay for the spread of nukular reactors around the world while we take decades to develop the new technologies to make this possible in the vision of W. Here's what our fearless leader, who one right-wing nutcase is calling, The Rebel In Chief (see book by Fred Barnes if you want) was told to tell us would happen...
"these countries would agree to use nuclear power only for civilian purposes and forego uranium enrichment and reprocessing activities that can be used to develop nuclear weapons."
and, remember, the weapons of mass destruction were hidden in Iraq....
Now, what this involves is nukular fuel reprocessing.
"If the Bush administration establishes nuclear fuel reprocessing the new policy would
overturn a 30-year ban on the technology. Presidents Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter in 1976 and 1977 promised that the United States would not reprocess spent nuclear fuel.
The challenge, says the Department of Energy (DOE), stems from the fact that certain technologies used to separate out plutonium from used fuel, could be used to produce material for a nuclear weapon." (February 20, 2006 (ENS))
And this weeks double speak winner is: "more proliferation-resistant separation processes"So, in the words of Charles Mingus, when the nukular explosion comes, "you can kiss your ass goodbye."
Someday, see the film The Journey by Peter Watkins, 1988. A 14.5 hour movie about the international war machine and the international peace movement.
Good night and good luck.
Be well, keep your feet on the ground most of the time, but jump for joy regularly.
For real news coverage, as opposed to the Nero News Service, see
http://www.ens-newswire.com/ens/feb2006/2006-02-20-03.asp
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Fast Food for Thought
A friend sent this to me:
Subject: Memories
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Unemployment Down and Prices Must Go Up
The Nero News Service, "As the World Burns"
The Labor Department reported this week that the January unemployment rate hit an unexpected low - 4.7%. But, at the same time, the number of new jobs created dropped off. The economy added 1.98 million jobs during all of 2005, down from the 2.1 million generated in 2004, according to annual revisions by the Labor Department released Friday (borrowed from the LA Times).
So, unemployment down, but so are new jobs. What's up?
Well, the number of people who the government says have dropped out of the labor force is up. Dropped out of the labor force??? Are you wondering what that means? Think of it this way. You have a wonderful job, flipping burgers or breaking your back and knees at a construction site, or maybe you make widgets in a plant that hasn't been moved to China or India yet, and then, the bosses lay you off. You look for work, but you can't find it. You look, for months, and months, maybe for more than a year. You can't find it. Finally, someone decides that you must not really want a job, so they say that since you have not found one you are so discouraged that you have decided to live without one, and so, YOU have dropped out of the labor force. (Halelujah, I'm a bum. Halelujah, bum again....)
Also up, the inflation rate. The 3.3% annualized wage gain for 2005 lags behind the 3.4% yearly inflation rate (also borrowed from the LA Times). So, workers wages aren't keeping up with increases in the cost of living - a pattern that has been going on pretty consistently since the late 1970s.
Also up, Mr. Greenspan and the Feds (turns out that Greenspan was a jazz musician in his youth, so a name like a band is on the mark) decided that as a fond farewell to Mr. Greenspan, they would raise interest rates yet another time. They were thinking that all those employed workers were going to make the labor market tight, which would put pressure on employers to increase wages, and that would increase inflation.
So, what's up - well, we're getting screwed, still. More jobs but fewer jobs, More work but less pay, AND, just to make sure that your boss doesn't have to give in when you ask for a raise, the Feds have made borrowing money more expensive, so your boss will say that its too hard to get hold of money right now, sorry.
And, frosting for this cake, the recent Bush Administration budget request for the war in Iraq (not including Afghanistan) will put the Federal tab for the war at $440 billion.
But, it is true, the economy is stonger. Another Mission Accomplished.
The Labor Department reported this week that the January unemployment rate hit an unexpected low - 4.7%. But, at the same time, the number of new jobs created dropped off. The economy added 1.98 million jobs during all of 2005, down from the 2.1 million generated in 2004, according to annual revisions by the Labor Department released Friday (borrowed from the LA Times).
So, unemployment down, but so are new jobs. What's up?
Well, the number of people who the government says have dropped out of the labor force is up. Dropped out of the labor force??? Are you wondering what that means? Think of it this way. You have a wonderful job, flipping burgers or breaking your back and knees at a construction site, or maybe you make widgets in a plant that hasn't been moved to China or India yet, and then, the bosses lay you off. You look for work, but you can't find it. You look, for months, and months, maybe for more than a year. You can't find it. Finally, someone decides that you must not really want a job, so they say that since you have not found one you are so discouraged that you have decided to live without one, and so, YOU have dropped out of the labor force. (Halelujah, I'm a bum. Halelujah, bum again....)
Also up, the inflation rate. The 3.3% annualized wage gain for 2005 lags behind the 3.4% yearly inflation rate (also borrowed from the LA Times). So, workers wages aren't keeping up with increases in the cost of living - a pattern that has been going on pretty consistently since the late 1970s.
Also up, Mr. Greenspan and the Feds (turns out that Greenspan was a jazz musician in his youth, so a name like a band is on the mark) decided that as a fond farewell to Mr. Greenspan, they would raise interest rates yet another time. They were thinking that all those employed workers were going to make the labor market tight, which would put pressure on employers to increase wages, and that would increase inflation.
So, what's up - well, we're getting screwed, still. More jobs but fewer jobs, More work but less pay, AND, just to make sure that your boss doesn't have to give in when you ask for a raise, the Feds have made borrowing money more expensive, so your boss will say that its too hard to get hold of money right now, sorry.
And, frosting for this cake, the recent Bush Administration budget request for the war in Iraq (not including Afghanistan) will put the Federal tab for the war at $440 billion.
But, it is true, the economy is stonger. Another Mission Accomplished.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Saints
President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church outside
Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove's campaign to reverse Bush's rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday. "As you know, Bishop," began Rove, "we've
been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president's position
on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff's friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint."
The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, "This parish is in rather desperate need of funds ... I'll agree to do it."
The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.
After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: "George W. Bush is a
petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty
election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed
him. He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat,
and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating
"Mission Accomplished." He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering,
turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He
continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between
the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as
a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets
corporate polluters despoil God's creation and doom our planet. He uses fear-mongering
to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution.
He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is
the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards
in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.
Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove's campaign to reverse Bush's rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday. "As you know, Bishop," began Rove, "we've
been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president's position
on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff's friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint."
The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, "This parish is in rather desperate need of funds ... I'll agree to do it."
The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.
After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: "George W. Bush is a
petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty
election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed
him. He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat,
and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating
"Mission Accomplished." He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering,
turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He
continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between
the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as
a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets
corporate polluters despoil God's creation and doom our planet. He uses fear-mongering
to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution.
He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is
the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards
in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Nouveau Millions
Nouveau Millions
If I had a million bucks or more,
I’d throw a party at my ranch in Texas,
invite the Nieman Marcus mailing list,
have Martha Stewart cater caviar
and French champagne, the real McCoy!
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing,
Mariah Cary could take off her clothes,
Karl Rove might recite the enemies list,
but best of all would be an ice sculpture,
kindness of Michaelangelo, naked David
pissing vodka for the guests, we’d get
shitfaced and pack for the trip to Danbury.
If I had a million bucks or more,
I’d throw a party at my ranch in Texas,
invite the Nieman Marcus mailing list,
have Martha Stewart cater caviar
and French champagne, the real McCoy!
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir would sing,
Mariah Cary could take off her clothes,
Karl Rove might recite the enemies list,
but best of all would be an ice sculpture,
kindness of Michaelangelo, naked David
pissing vodka for the guests, we’d get
shitfaced and pack for the trip to Danbury.
Remembering Oklahoma City
[DRAFT]
THE NEW UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT SYSTEM FOR
TRACKING AMERICAN WHITE MALE STUDENTS, RESEARCH SCHOLARS AND
THEIR FAMILIES
(ESPECIALLY ONES WITH MILITARY BACKGROUND)
1) What is Bevis?
BEVIS is an acronym for Boy-Student /Visitor Information System.
BEVIS is the new U.S. Government computer system that UMass Lowell is required to use to track white male students (and researchers and their families) from when they receive their draft cards, register for classes, travel to Idaho, North Dakota, rural Texas, and Utah while a Lowell student, receive job offers in the United States (curricular/optional practical training) and graduate, or transfer to another university, or leave UMass Lowell for some other reason.
In short, BEVIS requires Lowell to know, in some detail, the whereabouts of white male students/researchers for their entire lives. Especially if they are veterans.
2) When does BEVIS start?
BEVIS starts in January 2003. A “BEVIS generated” internal passport will be produced for all new white male students/researchers. Boys without an internal passport should register at the police station in downtown Lowell.
3) As a white male student/research scholar, what things do you have to report regularly to the white boy Student Office for yourself and your family members?
You must report to us:
a) When you change your major;
b) When you change your program level (e.g. bachelor’s to master’s, master’s to doctorate);
c) When you want to extend the time you are allowed to stay in your program;
d) A request to drop below a full-time course of study (12 credits/semester for undergraduates, 9 credits /semester for graduate students);
e) Dependent information (e.g. if you get married, have children etc.);
f) If you transfer into Lowell or transfer out to another school;
g) When you complete all the requirements for your degree (program of study);
h) When you request to go on optional practical training/curricular practical training or ask for off-campus employment because of economic hardship;
i) When you change your address;
j) When you are re-instated if you fall out of status;
k) If you have been subjected to disciplinary action because of a criminal conviction.
4) What happens if you do not report the above things to the White Male Student Office as soon as they happen?
If you do not report the above events, you will be considered “out of status” and we will be required to notify the police, the FBI and the CIA. You may be immediately arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
5) What are the reasons why your student record in BEVIS can be “terminated.”
UMass Lowell is required to “terminate” your record in BEVIS if:
a) You do not register full-time at the university every semester until your program is completed;
b) You drop below a full course of study (12 credits undergraduate, 9 credits for graduate students) without authorization;
c) You change to a non-classifiable classification (e.g. you become gay or have a sex-change operation; color may be tougher.);
d) You are expelled from the university;
e) You are suspended from the university;
f) You fail to maintain your proper status (e.g. if you do not attend classes full-time etc.);
In all of the above cases, the university is required to report to FBI that your record has
been terminated. FBI, in turn, may require you to leave the United States(deportation to Guantanamo).
6) Why are the above requirements so important to you for the Spring 2003 semester?
Very simply, you must be physically present at the university, attending classes or conducting research on January 22, 2003 or your BEVIS record will be terminated.
Should you be conducting field research, doing research in archives at another location, etc. you will be in bad trouble and have to go to Guantanamo.
7) What should you tell your American boy friends planning to attend UMass Lowell?
Skip it. Go to Mexico.
8) Why is this important to know and how is this related to the new “First Two Week” requirement in BEVIS?
What this means is that it is critically important for your friends to report in person to the White Male Student Office within the first 2 weeks of classes to receive their FBI clearance. We will then officially register them in BEVIS as required by law.
9) What happens if they don’t show up at the White Boy Student Office within the first two weeks?
If the Office staff does not see a new student within the first 2 weeks of classes, his/her BEVIS record will be terminated and FBI will be notified that the student is out of status and has to go to Guantanamo.
10) What if you plan to travel during the semester break? What do you need to do?
If you plan to travel during the semester break, it is very important that you tell the Office about your plans. You will need to have in your possession a new BEVIS generated FBI security clearance that the White Boy Student Office staff will prepare for you.
11) What kind of funds will you need to show for the new BEVIS forms in order to travel?
A lot. Especially if you are from a working class family. Or rural poor. Or if we have any other reason to think you might be pissed off.
12) What is the single most important thing you need to remember about travel this semester break?
The most important thing for you to remember is that you must be back at UMass Lowell for the start of classes. You can keep your UPS job or work at MacDonalds. But only where the FBI can watch you.
13) What is some other helpful information about travel this semester break?
We recommend the following:
a) Make three copies of all of your important documents. Maybe four.
b) Keep one set in your possession, put another set in your checked baggage, and leave the last set with a friend in the United States. If you have a fourth copy,. Hide it in a hollowed-out log in a nearby field. Just in case.
c) At least one week before you travel, check in with the FBI. Please don’t wait until the last minute.
c) Obtain a student copy of your transcript from the Registrar’s Office ($3 charge. Please request this early before your trip).
d) Request an “Enrollment Certification” letter from the White Male Student Office stating that you are currently enrolled in good standing as a student at UMass Lowell. Please allow one week for this request to be processed.
e) If you are traveling outside of the United States:
Check to see if your FBI clearance has expired. If it has, you must apply at a U.S. Consulate or Embassy to have it renewed before returning to the U.S. Because of background checks, this may take up to 3 months. If necessary, leave your children and old mother behind. We don’t care.
14) So what should you do if you are significantly delayed anywhere and can’t return to the university by January 22, 2003?
Make arrangements with a friend authorizing him/her to request (signed letter from you) that you be dropped from your classes and be “officially” withdrawn from your program (graduate students). Make sure your friend has FBI clearance.
15) Why is this so important?
This is very important for two reasons:
a) This will keep your BEVIS and Lowell academic records in order; and
b) If you have your friend drop/withdraw before the official drop deadline, you will not be charged for your courses.
c) If you don’t do it, you will go to jail.
16) What is helpful information if you are traveling in the United States?
If you are traveling in the United States, make sure to carry your original passport and FBI clearance with you at all times. You may be required to show these original documents to government officials.
17) Why is reporting your change of address so important?
If you do not notify FBI and the White Male Student Office within 10 days of the change of your address, we will not be able to catch you.
.
18) Final Thoughts about BEVIS and You
There are really a lot of suspicious white males around the place, so we ask for your patience and cooperation by giving us adequate time (minimum one week) to process your request. We look forward to assisting you in completing your degree requirements and continuing your relationship with us as successful alumni of UMass Lowell. Please accept our best wishes.
The White Male Student Office, Office of Enrollment Management staffs and local representatives of the FBI.
THE NEW UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT SYSTEM FOR
TRACKING AMERICAN WHITE MALE STUDENTS, RESEARCH SCHOLARS AND
THEIR FAMILIES
(ESPECIALLY ONES WITH MILITARY BACKGROUND)
1) What is Bevis?
BEVIS is an acronym for Boy-Student /Visitor Information System.
BEVIS is the new U.S. Government computer system that UMass Lowell is required to use to track white male students (and researchers and their families) from when they receive their draft cards, register for classes, travel to Idaho, North Dakota, rural Texas, and Utah while a Lowell student, receive job offers in the United States (curricular/optional practical training) and graduate, or transfer to another university, or leave UMass Lowell for some other reason.
In short, BEVIS requires Lowell to know, in some detail, the whereabouts of white male students/researchers for their entire lives. Especially if they are veterans.
2) When does BEVIS start?
BEVIS starts in January 2003. A “BEVIS generated” internal passport will be produced for all new white male students/researchers. Boys without an internal passport should register at the police station in downtown Lowell.
3) As a white male student/research scholar, what things do you have to report regularly to the white boy Student Office for yourself and your family members?
You must report to us:
a) When you change your major;
b) When you change your program level (e.g. bachelor’s to master’s, master’s to doctorate);
c) When you want to extend the time you are allowed to stay in your program;
d) A request to drop below a full-time course of study (12 credits/semester for undergraduates, 9 credits /semester for graduate students);
e) Dependent information (e.g. if you get married, have children etc.);
f) If you transfer into Lowell or transfer out to another school;
g) When you complete all the requirements for your degree (program of study);
h) When you request to go on optional practical training/curricular practical training or ask for off-campus employment because of economic hardship;
i) When you change your address;
j) When you are re-instated if you fall out of status;
k) If you have been subjected to disciplinary action because of a criminal conviction.
4) What happens if you do not report the above things to the White Male Student Office as soon as they happen?
If you do not report the above events, you will be considered “out of status” and we will be required to notify the police, the FBI and the CIA. You may be immediately arrested and sent to Guantanamo.
5) What are the reasons why your student record in BEVIS can be “terminated.”
UMass Lowell is required to “terminate” your record in BEVIS if:
a) You do not register full-time at the university every semester until your program is completed;
b) You drop below a full course of study (12 credits undergraduate, 9 credits for graduate students) without authorization;
c) You change to a non-classifiable classification (e.g. you become gay or have a sex-change operation; color may be tougher.);
d) You are expelled from the university;
e) You are suspended from the university;
f) You fail to maintain your proper status (e.g. if you do not attend classes full-time etc.);
In all of the above cases, the university is required to report to FBI that your record has
been terminated. FBI, in turn, may require you to leave the United States(deportation to Guantanamo).
6) Why are the above requirements so important to you for the Spring 2003 semester?
Very simply, you must be physically present at the university, attending classes or conducting research on January 22, 2003 or your BEVIS record will be terminated.
Should you be conducting field research, doing research in archives at another location, etc. you will be in bad trouble and have to go to Guantanamo.
7) What should you tell your American boy friends planning to attend UMass Lowell?
Skip it. Go to Mexico.
8) Why is this important to know and how is this related to the new “First Two Week” requirement in BEVIS?
What this means is that it is critically important for your friends to report in person to the White Male Student Office within the first 2 weeks of classes to receive their FBI clearance. We will then officially register them in BEVIS as required by law.
9) What happens if they don’t show up at the White Boy Student Office within the first two weeks?
If the Office staff does not see a new student within the first 2 weeks of classes, his/her BEVIS record will be terminated and FBI will be notified that the student is out of status and has to go to Guantanamo.
10) What if you plan to travel during the semester break? What do you need to do?
If you plan to travel during the semester break, it is very important that you tell the Office about your plans. You will need to have in your possession a new BEVIS generated FBI security clearance that the White Boy Student Office staff will prepare for you.
11) What kind of funds will you need to show for the new BEVIS forms in order to travel?
A lot. Especially if you are from a working class family. Or rural poor. Or if we have any other reason to think you might be pissed off.
12) What is the single most important thing you need to remember about travel this semester break?
The most important thing for you to remember is that you must be back at UMass Lowell for the start of classes. You can keep your UPS job or work at MacDonalds. But only where the FBI can watch you.
13) What is some other helpful information about travel this semester break?
We recommend the following:
a) Make three copies of all of your important documents. Maybe four.
b) Keep one set in your possession, put another set in your checked baggage, and leave the last set with a friend in the United States. If you have a fourth copy,. Hide it in a hollowed-out log in a nearby field. Just in case.
c) At least one week before you travel, check in with the FBI. Please don’t wait until the last minute.
c) Obtain a student copy of your transcript from the Registrar’s Office ($3 charge. Please request this early before your trip).
d) Request an “Enrollment Certification” letter from the White Male Student Office stating that you are currently enrolled in good standing as a student at UMass Lowell. Please allow one week for this request to be processed.
e) If you are traveling outside of the United States:
Check to see if your FBI clearance has expired. If it has, you must apply at a U.S. Consulate or Embassy to have it renewed before returning to the U.S. Because of background checks, this may take up to 3 months. If necessary, leave your children and old mother behind. We don’t care.
14) So what should you do if you are significantly delayed anywhere and can’t return to the university by January 22, 2003?
Make arrangements with a friend authorizing him/her to request (signed letter from you) that you be dropped from your classes and be “officially” withdrawn from your program (graduate students). Make sure your friend has FBI clearance.
15) Why is this so important?
This is very important for two reasons:
a) This will keep your BEVIS and Lowell academic records in order; and
b) If you have your friend drop/withdraw before the official drop deadline, you will not be charged for your courses.
c) If you don’t do it, you will go to jail.
16) What is helpful information if you are traveling in the United States?
If you are traveling in the United States, make sure to carry your original passport and FBI clearance with you at all times. You may be required to show these original documents to government officials.
17) Why is reporting your change of address so important?
If you do not notify FBI and the White Male Student Office within 10 days of the change of your address, we will not be able to catch you.
.
18) Final Thoughts about BEVIS and You
There are really a lot of suspicious white males around the place, so we ask for your patience and cooperation by giving us adequate time (minimum one week) to process your request. We look forward to assisting you in completing your degree requirements and continuing your relationship with us as successful alumni of UMass Lowell. Please accept our best wishes.
The White Male Student Office, Office of Enrollment Management staffs and local representatives of the FBI.
Eight Dead in Attempted Landing
Eight Dead in Attempted Landing
Evolution News
Provincetown, MA.
The latest group of Atlantic aquanauts ran into difficulties in Massachusetts Bay. Of the thirteen “travelers”, eight have died and 5 have returned to home base. The desparate effort to find a land-based sanctuary from polluted and increasingly warm waters of the Atlantic has resulted in the death of 72 dolphins in the past year, as well as a lesser toll among whale allies. President Flipper is considering calling a halt to the project.
Meanwhile, the Pacific (underwater) opposition condemned the attempted landing as “Lysenko-ism of the worst sort.” The Pacific opposition has focused on tsunamis as the most effective response to the human assault on the Blue Planet, but their latest efforts have been condemned as terrorism. The Great White Whale, masked leader of the underwater insurgency, has said that “there can be no truce with those who desecrate our home and eat our flesh.”
Evolution News
Provincetown, MA.
The latest group of Atlantic aquanauts ran into difficulties in Massachusetts Bay. Of the thirteen “travelers”, eight have died and 5 have returned to home base. The desparate effort to find a land-based sanctuary from polluted and increasingly warm waters of the Atlantic has resulted in the death of 72 dolphins in the past year, as well as a lesser toll among whale allies. President Flipper is considering calling a halt to the project.
Meanwhile, the Pacific (underwater) opposition condemned the attempted landing as “Lysenko-ism of the worst sort.” The Pacific opposition has focused on tsunamis as the most effective response to the human assault on the Blue Planet, but their latest efforts have been condemned as terrorism. The Great White Whale, masked leader of the underwater insurgency, has said that “there can be no truce with those who desecrate our home and eat our flesh.”
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Vanity
Vanity
The temptation to make WW III mythic is great: hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, the earth rising up against its despoilers, wrathful gods blowing fierce winds, an underworld of fire forced to erupt, if not in self-defense, at least in vengeance; and Neptune, furious, triton in hand, raging against the defiling of his domain –
But why would the gods strike the poor and the helpless, no less victims than the dolphins or deer? Is there influence peddling across the sacred divide? Are the aged, trapped on the high floors of assisted living also doomed as human sacrifice to appease the Grand Designers? How are we to understand the frantic dogs, the drowned cats? Indeed, if avian flu is one more punishing act of the gods, why must chickens suffer as disease prepares itself for a full-fledged attack on humankind?
Vanity is at the center of all this calculation, all this imagining. If we grant the god-seeking impulse and credibility at all, are we incapable of seeing that the fish themselves may have offended some divinity? Perhaps some awful sea serpent has annoyed Valhalla with its slippery ways, it’s ancient interference with Viking exploration – and the gods, who had high hopes of extending their rule to the New World, are still pissed off. Didn’t the pre-Columbian Mexicans worship a plumed serpent and, therefore, some winged sinner, a bird on the run, provoked the flu – humans may be collaterally damaged and not the primary target at all!
The temptation to make WW III mythic is great: hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, the earth rising up against its despoilers, wrathful gods blowing fierce winds, an underworld of fire forced to erupt, if not in self-defense, at least in vengeance; and Neptune, furious, triton in hand, raging against the defiling of his domain –
But why would the gods strike the poor and the helpless, no less victims than the dolphins or deer? Is there influence peddling across the sacred divide? Are the aged, trapped on the high floors of assisted living also doomed as human sacrifice to appease the Grand Designers? How are we to understand the frantic dogs, the drowned cats? Indeed, if avian flu is one more punishing act of the gods, why must chickens suffer as disease prepares itself for a full-fledged attack on humankind?
Vanity is at the center of all this calculation, all this imagining. If we grant the god-seeking impulse and credibility at all, are we incapable of seeing that the fish themselves may have offended some divinity? Perhaps some awful sea serpent has annoyed Valhalla with its slippery ways, it’s ancient interference with Viking exploration – and the gods, who had high hopes of extending their rule to the New World, are still pissed off. Didn’t the pre-Columbian Mexicans worship a plumed serpent and, therefore, some winged sinner, a bird on the run, provoked the flu – humans may be collaterally damaged and not the primary target at all!
Monday, January 23, 2006
GOOD NEWS!
GOOD NEWS!
The US has not bombed Iran yet.
The US has bombed Pakistan but the leadership of the country seems ok with that.
The US has not bombed Brazil.
No one has assassinated Chavez.
No one has bombed Bolivia.
New Orleans seems to be recovering slowly even though it is sinful.
New York City is getting over 9/11 although it is certainly sinful.
Boston’s sinfulness is of such a picayune type that God has not even bothered.
Everybody seems to have forgotten how sinful San Francisco is.
Rupert Murdoch was given an award by the Wiesenthal Center – not a joke!
The petitions for the impeachment of Boy George are circulating.
If I were Cheney, I would not sign up for Viagra ads.
No new torture centers have been opened, as far as we know.
God has not re-upped, is having second thoughts about the war.
The US has not bombed Iran yet.
The US has bombed Pakistan but the leadership of the country seems ok with that.
The US has not bombed Brazil.
No one has assassinated Chavez.
No one has bombed Bolivia.
New Orleans seems to be recovering slowly even though it is sinful.
New York City is getting over 9/11 although it is certainly sinful.
Boston’s sinfulness is of such a picayune type that God has not even bothered.
Everybody seems to have forgotten how sinful San Francisco is.
Rupert Murdoch was given an award by the Wiesenthal Center – not a joke!
The petitions for the impeachment of Boy George are circulating.
If I were Cheney, I would not sign up for Viagra ads.
No new torture centers have been opened, as far as we know.
God has not re-upped, is having second thoughts about the war.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Healthy New Year Q&A
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is thistrue?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don'twaste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding upyour heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?Take a nap.________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay andcorn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafyvegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of vegetable products.________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get evenmore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottomsup!________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables bebad for you?________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Youshould only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's thebest feel-good food around!________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!________________________________
(Courtesy of the SOPHE listserv.)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don'twaste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding upyour heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?Take a nap.________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay andcorn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafyvegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of vegetable products.________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get evenmore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottomsup!________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables bebad for you?________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. Youshould only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's thebest feel-good food around!________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!________________________________
(Courtesy of the SOPHE listserv.)
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