For a Real Alternative ...

Lean Production and Limp Dicks

Lean Production and Limp Dicks: A Hypothetical

So she says that Americans are buying all this viagra and cialis -- so maybe the only way we can get anyone to pay attention to WORK ORGANIZATION is to point out that oppressive w.o. has been shown to lead to (1) hypertension and (2) depression, etc. And the remedy for hypertension is a drug that limpens the dick! Not to mention that depression, etc., undermine erectile functioning. And Americans seem to care about that.

So, I say what's the big deal, old Americans shouldn't fuck that much anyway, they have more important things to think about, like dying and immortality. And on top of that, one scientist showed that turtle dicks in the Everglades were getting smaller and nobody seemed to be concerned about that. In any case, I cannot imagine a grassroots campaign led by the Gray Panthers with signs like: Give us Back our Dicks! I just don't see it.

So, is this the way to fight neo-liberalism? I'd say it;s a non-starter.

Winner!!

FROM:THE DESK OF THE DIRECTOR OF PROMOTION
INTERNATIONAL/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
MADRID. SPAIN.

Dear Winner,

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Rats Jump Ship!

From BBC NEWS

Merrill to sell loans unit to GE

Merrill Lynch, which has suffered badly in the credit crunch, has said it will sell most of its capital lending business to a unit of General Electric. (General Electric used to make stuff but no more.)

The value of the sale has not been announced, but Merrill's new boss John Thain said it would free up $1.3bn (£656m) to spend elsewhere in the firm. (A big bonus for the boss would be nice!)

The bank wrote down $8.4bn in its last set of three-month results, after its exposure to the US sub-prime crisis. (Oh no! A toxic exposure! Quarantine the bastard!)

Some analysts expect it to make further losses in the next three months.

GE Capital is to buy Merrill Lynch Capital's corporate finance, equipment finance, franchise, energy and healthcare finance units. (Sounds like money can still be made -- That Welch is really hot!)

The commercial real estate finance unit is not included in the deal.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/business/7159274.stm

Published: 2007/12/24 13:40:39 GMT

© BBC MMVII

60 Years Late

Sometimes it is a wonderful thing to indulge your memory, your nostalgia! Why I remember going to a parade with Aunt Minnie -- there were Ukrainian dancers, big red flags, it was really great!

I would NEVER NEVER have remembered that wonderful parade had not the New York Times published today an announcement that J. Edgar Hoover was going to put Aunt Minnie in a concentration camp! Wow! What a great reminder!

Utterly Miserable Weather

Utterly Miserable Weather Decried by Everyone; Candidates Fail to Respond

New England: The completely shitty weather all over New England has been pleasing only to those freaks who like to go up and down hills on sticks. Everyone else hates this. When Rudy ("the Man") Giuliani was asked about his take on the revolting amount of snow falling all over the place, he said, "That's why I'm going to Missouri. I hate fucking New Hampshire." John McCain said, "Well tough on you asshole. See if I care." The Democratic candidates uniformly relpied, "It's that asshole Bush's fault. And Cheney is worse. We'll stop the snow and make everybody buy insurance just like that asshole Romney did. How's that fr bipartisanship?" Mitt ("the Man") Romney said that the Democrats are always copying him. "For christ's sake, I represent capital, not these jerks. Why don't they just give up -- this is ridiculous."

National Center for Sustainable Gambling Centers of Excellence

National Center for Sustainable Gambling -- Centers of Excellence

The new National Center for Sustainable Gambling has announced a request for proposals to establish a regional centers of excellence in gambling research, education and service. Proposals are welcome from institutions that are heavily dependent on tax revenues, are associated with Native American organizations, and/or are related in some way to respected political figures. Organizations with previous connections to organized crime are discouraged from applying since they will have alternative sources of support linked to the new casino initiative and the NCSG is discouraging double-dipping where possible. Innovative ideas about gambling research are welcomed:
wind, solar and thermal sources for powering roulette wheels will be considered, alternatives to the use of PVC in poker chips and other gambling accoutrements are of interest, ergonomic design of poker, black jack, etc. will be encouraged. A later RFA will be coming for those who are interested in gambling as an alternative to voting.

Deadline: This is a rolling RFP. Decisions will be made by rolling the dice which many consider superior to peer review.

Gambling With the Future

From Nero News Service:

Massachusetts Roulette

First, the red shirts are union guys organized by Bobby Haynes to put pressure on the legislature for good jobs - yes, good union casino jobs. Bobby is going for what matters - not taxes on the corporations and wealthy, not jobs that bring real new money to MA, but casino jobs - jobs that take earnings and turn them into high stakes fantasies. Yes, labor is on a roll (of the dice) as it clearly sees its role (as the leaders of mice). This is surely the path to building a new movement. Just envision it, if you will - as workers, many unorganized swarm to the casinos to advance their holdings, the organized casino workers will hand them union cards to sign. A beautiful strategy for building the rankles (er, ranks) of labor. Brill, as we say.

Then, listen to the story and the interview with multi-billionaire casino developer Sheldon Adelson, a Dorchester native and maybe the third richest man in the US. He'll tell you what's wrong with the current effort to bring casinos to MA.

All the news that fits, we print

The Nero News Service, As the World Burns, provides streaming and steamin' news to the important news venues of the world, which is why we send this to you, the Hartford Gazette and Warrior

http://www.wbur.org/news/2007/73414_20071219.asp

Turkey and Curds: A Modern Policy Dilemna

Bulletin: US-Turkey Relations in Disarray

Madison, Wisconsin. (From a special correspondent)

The Bush Administration was completely surprised by the sudden appearance of troops from Ankara in rural Wisconsin. Accused of giving asylum to revolutionary Curds, Sec'y Condo Rice exclaimed, "The turks are in the whey! Get them out of here!"

(more to come)

Plan to Raze Rich Neighborhoods in New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS — At a moment when the shortage of housing in the city is causing significant hardship, the federal government is beginning this week to tear down thousands of houses in the city’s richest neighborhoods.

The plan is producing sharp opposition, which has escalated to include raucous demonstrations and, perhaps, threats of arson and other violence. The rich people are really pissed.

On Thursday, outside City Hall and opposite a park where rich people are living in dozens of small tents, about 100 demonstrators chanted “Stop the demolitions now!” A few were displaced residents from really posh neighborhoods; most were activists and public housing advocates from here and cities from New York to California.

Though local and federal housing officials say the storm-damaged projects were inhuman places to live and should not be rebuilt, some protesters accused the government of a darker motive behind the demolition plan. They contended that the government’s real aim was to keep the rich, mostly male, almost entirely white residents of really rich neighborhoods from returning to their city, to their homes.

Insurance Industry Grants: Not made up!

Insurance Industry Charitable Foundation to Host First
Annual New York City Gala Dinner

Special Guest, Michael R. Bloomberg, Mayor, New York City to
Attend

Foundation to Unveil Three Major Grants Totaling $500,000 to
Tri-State Organizations

WHAT: The Insurance Industry Charitable Foundation will host its
first annual dinner in New York Special guest, Michael
Bloomberg, Mayor, New York City, will join dinner chairman
Martin J. Sullivan, president and CEO of American
International Group, Inc. to honor Brian Duperreault, Former
Chairman & CEO of ACE, Limited. The foundation will award
three major grants to charitable causes in the tri-state area
and expects to raise $1.5 million.

Emcees for the event are CBS 2 Weekend News anchor, Kirsten
Cole and hockey legend, former New York Ranger, Mike Richter

The grantees are:
-- New York City Financial Empowerment Center
-- As part of the City's Center for Economic
Opportunity, the Office of Financial Empowerment
offers free financial advice to New Yorkers.
-- Wounded Warriors Project
-- Raises public awareness and enlists aid for
severely injured service men and women.
-- Riverkeeper
-- Safeguards the ecological integrity of the Hudson
River, its tributaries and the watershed of
New York City

The foundation is funded and directed by insurance
professionals from a broad spectrum of companies within the
industry.

WHEN: December 5, 2007
5:30 p.m. Reception
6:30 p.m. Dinner

WHERE: The Waldorf-Astoria, New York City

RSVP: For media credentials or to RSVP contact
Michelle Shayo
212-819-4891
michelle.shayo@edelman.com

CONTACT: For The Insurance Industry Charitable Foundation
Robin Edwards, 212-704-8148
robin.edwards@edelman.com
or
Michelle Shayo, 212-819-4891
michelle.shayo@edelman.com

We Love Vegetarians!

Mushy Busts Bhutto's Butt!

Mushy Busts Bhutto's Butt!

Special from Islamabad

The General, former favorite of the Bush Administration, is having some trouble. So, the Bush Leaguers sent in designated hitter, Benazir Bhutto, to save the day -- but low and behold, Casey would not step away from the bat! Mushy put Bhutto under house arrest and the Bush's are having a shit fit!

All this, by the way, is about the A-bomb's that Pakistan got with the help or at least the blind eye of the Americans! And now, sitting around the country are 60 or so atomic weapons -- mass destruction!! What a giant fuck-up! Who could make up such a story!!!

Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'

*Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'
*

(Sent by a special Chicago correspondent)


November 2, 2007. NEW YORK. Saying he could no longer stand idly by
while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and
Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a nonprofit organization
dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."

An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser
Monday.

"Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held
in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us,
saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and
see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I
hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and
think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"

The nonprofit, Sch mucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data
from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on
contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are
frightening:

Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak
in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times , 17 of these
times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with
a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult
to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely
to use the word
"jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000
times more likely to use "fucking asshole."

Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means,
and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such
trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms
as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will
all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the
year 2020.

"We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in
attendance began chanting "Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!" "How will we be
able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate
manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in
2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your
family, your
friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."

Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their
support for the dying word.

"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears,
"but my father was a schmuck."

The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to
donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the
Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman
Endowment for the Preserva tion o f Schmekel. The money will go toward
projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon,
including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the
upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.

"The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word,"
Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West
Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch
with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor
schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A
group of people can
be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck,
and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck."

"Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck."

Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for
the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly
disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now,
the trend could create a snowball effect.

"Today it's schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer
Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?"

Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.

Brooks will be appearing at Brooklyn's Francis Scott Key Junior High on
Nov. 12 to give an informal lecture about his experiences using the word
"schmuck," and build grassroots support among a key group of young
Americans by explaining that "schmuck" is a Yiddish term for the
foreskin on the head of a penis. In addition, he has hinted at the
possibility of a reunion with longtime comedy partner Gene Wilder,
during which the two will call each other schmucks.

Old Folks Auction

Taking a page out of the real estate book -- an auctioning off of people's dreams and hopes at prices designed to foster other folks' dreams and hopes, the Social Security Administration has decided to auction off pensioners.

"We could probably get a nice price for an old accountant or taxi cab driver," said the Secretary of Homeland Insecurity. "I think I myself might by a nanny for our kids, maybe a pool man -- but that might not work, too strenuous."

This is the Bush Administration's most adventurous proposal for the solution to the so-called social security crisis. It is, frankly, much more humane than other proposals previously discussed -- ice flows, compost heaps, etc.

"Let's see how this flies with the press," said a high level informant. "We might actually be able to save some on Medicare if we work them really hard. Mines might be good."

Fox Watching

VDW March Called Off!

Squabbling Vets De-Rail March

Special from Reno

The newly formed Veterans of Domestic Wars broke into factions during an all night meeting to discuss possible compromises in the order of today's march. The League of Divorced Women sparred with the Abandoned Dads Association over position in the march. Children of Impossible Parents began to scream that they wanted to go first but they were drowned out by the new political marchers, the Veterans of Gassed Demonstrations, the Union of Hosed-Down Demonstrators and an assortment of neo-Nazi groups who demanded they be permitted to march.

"What will happen to our proposed memorial to the unknown lawyer?" said one disappointed divorcee. "They will be hung by their fucking thumbs!" replied an angry Dad With No Money. "Damn," said a long-haired old couple, "we miss the fucking Cold War, Lyndon Johnson, the Gulf of Tonkin! This is ridiculous!"

Heavy Metal

I met someone today who complained that her feet were heavy from lead and mercury, they had collected in her body fat over time and, now, when she wants to work out and lose weight, the lead is so heavy that she cannot do it.

I thought that there must be lead in my heart, it felt so heavy as I talked with her. And my heart will not burn: it has been fire-proofed with asbestos.

US to become Semi-Autonomous Chinese Subsidiary?

Chinese Proposal: US will be semi-autonomous subsidiary

In a provocative column in The People's Daily, a high-level adviser to President Bush proposed that the US debt to China be re-structured, with bond-holders taking over ownership of the United States. The new company, USX (or ex-US as some have suggested), would have similar status to Hong Kong or Goa, with a certain degree of autonomy maintained, e.g., casinos would still be permitted. This solution to the debt crisis would also take away the veil that separates US foreign policy from that of the People's Republic. "After all," said one Chinese commentator, "we are paying for this damned war in the Middle East and we don't get a thing out of Halliburton and Blackwater!" The Chinese government is considering the proposal and will let the Bush Administration know its response in time for Thanksgiving dinner.

Boston Sweeps Iraqis

Boston Sweeps Iraqis in Four!

Why is the Prez having such a hard time in the Middle East when the Boston Red Sox blew away the Iraqis in a four game sweep?!!!

Other New Mexican Hole

Big Hole in New Mexico

Big Hole in New Mexico

Researchers from Tufts University confirmed this week the existence of a big hole in New Mexico. The hole is located in Carlsbad, not to be confused with Karlovy Bad, a European spa, and is the only thing worth visiting in the New Mexico town, where there is no spa.

There is a nuclear waste site near Carlsbad, as well as the Tufts discovery, and a hole in the ground associated with it, but that hole is being filled rapidly.

This Tufts hole was watched by various native Americans for centuries but not entered until a stupid young man (16 years old) descended into the hole using a homemade ladder.

Apparently, someone has introduced electric lighting, a not very well stocked restaurant, and rest rooms since the initial descent by 16-year-old White, and it is no longer necessary to travel down on a ladder, but the walk is arduous.

Various underground creatures have lodged complaints against the commercialization of their hole, but the Tufts researchers were especially pleased by the various tourist stuff available at the bottom.

In any case, gnomes are not citizens and have no rights.

Butterfly Bombs in Boston

Madama Butterfly, Boston, MA
Majestic Theatre Boston
219 Tremont Street (Halfway between the Citi Wang Center and the Boston
Common)
Boston MA 02116

Friday, 10/26/07 at 7:30 PM
ORCHESTRA CENTER, Row P, Seat 109


BULGARIANS, RUSSIANS, OTHERS FROM CEE DRESS UP LIKE JAPANESE AND SING

I bullied my wife into coming with me to see this production of Madame Butterfly -- and then I dragged her out of the theatre after one act.

1. I realized that I really only like that one heart-tearing aria that everybody knows but that still brings tears to one's eyes -- and that is not a reason to sit through the whole business getting a stiff neck and a sore tuchus.

2. I hate this story! Pinkerton -- an apt name -- labor spy, private dick, collector of thugs -- is a first class pig of an American and, knowing that he is going to abandon his 15-year-old Japanese wife and she is going to end up killing herself, why would I stay through the end of this awful story.

3. I had forgotten that she had converted to Christianity and was cursed by her family for it; I had forgotten what a fucking pedophile Pinkerton is; and I had forgotten that the utter arrogance, narcissism, swashbuckling bullshit (aptly captured by the Bulgarian leading man simply by keeping his hands in his pockets)brilliantly characterizes Americans abroad.

Argh! I could not stand it. They say that the customers boo-ed the first showing of Madame B. I would have, but the audience seemed polite and I hate getting thrown out of places. Much better to just leave.

No Sex and the City

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tough Environmental Trade-Offs

The rehabilitation organisation, Criminals Return into Society (CRIS), has warned that the smoking ban will create trouble among prisoners who are suddenly denied access to drugs and for whom smoking provides the only semblance of a soft landing.

"It's going to be really hard for prisoners not to smoke if they've just quit drugs, alcohol and crime," CRIS spokesman Christer Karlsson told The Local.

Stockholm, from a special correspondent.

The Swedish Society for Neo-Liberal Economics has proposed the creation of a prison market -- in effect, a bubble placed over each prison in which the inmates can trade "shares" in various prohibited activities.

"Rather than this command and control sort of regulation, true rehab would involve prisoners making choices about preferred transgressions and selling the less desired ones to others with different utility curves!" said the leader of the group, Sven Svenson.

"What a great fucking idea!" said supporters in the Ametrican Enterprise Institute.

A Think-Piece from Natasha

From Natasha: European Correspondent

It seems that there is need for a new world religion, one that brings together the 3 major world religions - Islam, Judaism, and Christianity. It should be called "Iskvetchianity".

Iskvetchianity levels the proverbial playing field. Martyrdom is important in all 3 religions, although this is in fact a gray area for Jews, who, in principle, do not believe in heaven or hell (Jews think they get enough of that in the here and now - why bother thinking of more for later.). But spiritual Jews often believe in some form of continuous existence in life after life after life. So, for those Jews who believe that there is some form of continuation of spirit or soul after the here and now, Iskvetchianity should bring relief. Why?

Iskevtchianity recognizes the weakness of humans. Thus, this new global religion allows for kvetching (complaining (Wikepedia, 600AD) in martyrs, or in people trying to get recognized as martyrs. Up to now, in any religion, it has been forbidden to kvetch no matter how much you are being tortured, or for how long, for a good cause. Jesus was not permitted to so much as utter a groan while on the stake. Joan of Arc was not allowed to express her frustration about being horse-bound day and night for months on end. This is not fair, and does not consider the scientific limitations of the human organism and human brain chemistry. Humans need to kvetch - especially Jewish humans, who have a genetic predisposition to kvetch more than anyone. This allows them to expel excess quantities of carbon dioxide, allowing them to be less tired, work harder and longer hours and thus achieve more senior positions in family-owned jewellery shops than people of either the Islamic or Christian faith.

The world needs more martyrs. More martyrs would mean there are more people dedicated to a cause, so much that they are willing to die for it. In the pre-2008 Presidential election period, more martyrs are needed on any number of critical issues - such as health care reform, education reform (look how badly our students write today), foreign policy reform, budget balancing, and so on. More martyrs would mean more causes reach the media (the media today loves a good martyr death). But if people knew they were allowed to kvetch while being a martyr, there certainly would be a significant increase in numbers of martyrs. A poll done by the Society for Improved People found that 87% of individuals in a 100 million household survey in Azerbaijan, Iran, Italy, France, Israel and the USA said they dreamed of being a martyr but were scared off because they knew the martyrdom process was certain to hurt and they would not be allowed to kvetch. Self selection out of the martyrdom process for people supporting a variety of causes reduced the pool of potential martyrs to approximately 0 (when controlling for those taking anti-psychotic drugs).

Iskvetchianity brings people together around the world, people who thought they were divided by principles and rules of engagement. Isvketchianity now gives people of all three major religions in the world equal opportunity to aspire to new heights.

Join now - a local chapter is just around your corner.

Latest Issue of New Mouse

New Mouse, Vol. 43, no. 3, 2007

Editorial: The Next Mouse Super Model

Original Articles

Chen F, Mugwal E, and Spinoza B. Abusing Mice: Stress-Linked Chemicals and the Battered Mouse Syndrome

Petrucelli L, Archimedes V, and Smith J, Gene Manipulation to Develop a Bully Mouse

Harrison R, Doolittle E, and Shaw GB, Sex and the Single Mouse:Reproductive Implications

Hammerstein G, Rogers G, and Wang X, Mouse Simulation and Mouse Stimulation: Machine Sex in the Next Generation

Commentary

Allied Radiation Physicists, Un-Mousing the Atom: Time to Reconsider Nukes

Alliance for Humane Treatment of Disgusting Rodents: Fuck You, You Miserable Torturers

Troops Sieze Stadium in Ann Arbor

Watson Committed

Watson Committed to Hospital for Late-stage Waldheimer's Dementia

From our Cold Springs correspondent

James Watson, decoder of DNA and head of the Cold Spring Institute, was taken away in a straight jacket this afternoon after announcing that the Institute was to be re-named the Aryan Center for Eugenics and insisting that a swastika flag be displayed on the front lawn. Earlier indications that Dr. Watson had lost his mind were noted in his recent trip to England. The newspapers there reported:

"The 79-year-old geneticist reopened the explosive debate about race and
science in a newspaper interview in which he said Western policies towards
African countries were wrongly based on an assumption that black people
were as clever as their white counterparts when "testing" suggested the
contrary. He claimed genes responsible for creating differences in human
intelligence could be found within a decade."

The Watson talks were applauded by the Austrian People's Party science adviser, Louis Mengele. "It's about time that someone said the obvious truth: the Nazis were right in so many ways!" Mengele is expected to be released from a hospital for the treatment of late stage syphilis so that he may die comfortably in the Hospice for
Old Fascists.

"Well," said a former Watson fan, "the old bastard is certainly not boring. A racist pig, for sure, so don't save his sperm -- it may be genetic."

Murdoch buys FCC for Undisclosed Price

Murdoch Purchases FCC for Undisclosed Price

Special from our Business Correspondent

In an audacious move to break the deadlock over common ownership of the New York Post and the NY Fox station, a syndicate controlled by Rupert Murdoch purchased the FCC for an undisclosed amount of money and stock. The new entity will be known as FCC Inc.

"We've had to pay in bits and pieces all these years," said an undisclosed media industry spokesperson. "Finally, we bit the bullet and bought the whole damned thing. This the wonderful thing about the market -- it provides real solutions!"

New SHE-ite Leader Named by Meehan

New Face Recognition Technology Employed by Big Cities

New Face Recognition Technology Employed by Big Cities

Boston,by special correspondent

Big cities are now using face recognition technology in creative ways, far beyond the original anti-terror purposes. For instance, a friend was walking down Commonwealth Avenue and at a corner he heard a voice say, "Watch it faggot! The light is red!" He looked around and could find no one there. As a young woman walked up he heard thesame voice say, "You ignorant slut! Don't you dare cross against the light!"

The wonders of technology never cease!

Will the Lame Duck President Step Down?

Not news, but Analysis

Washington, Oct. 14 — At the gathering of leaders of the Group of 8 industrialized nations in Germany this year, President Bush turned to President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia and remarked that the two of them had outlasted most of their old colleagues from the group’s annual meetings, American officials recalled. Jacques Chirac, Silvio Berlusconi, Gerhard Schröder and Tony Blair had left or were leaving.


“Next year,” Mr. Bush said, “you will be out on your ass and I will be sitting pretty!”


Mr. Putin responded, “Go fuck yourself!”.


Now, though, Mr. Bush’s plans are far from clear, and as a result, the Russian’s hopes that the US will move toward a freer, more democratic society have substantially diminished. The international community as a whole is uncertain how to deal with a man who has consolidated power almost exclusively in his own hands. Indeed, there is a certain discomfort regarding Mr. Bush’s future right here in Washington.


“If you don’t have countervailing institutions, then the power of any one president is problematic for democratic development,” Ms. Rice said Saturday, raising concerns about the American judiciary, legislative branch and news media, but declining to criticize Mr. Bush by name.


When asked by reporters more than once and by a human rights advocate in a meeting at Morgan State University in Baltimore, she declined to discuss who might lead the US, formally or informally, come next year and what that outcome might mean.


At a news conference with the Americans and their Russian counterparts, the question elicited a smile from Russia’s foreign minister, Sergey V. Lavrov, and guffaws from uniformed members of the general staff sitting in the audience, as if asking it were audacious.


“There’s a lot of speculation about who’s going to be president, whether President Bush is going to take any of a number of jobs or no job at all,” Ms. Rice said later, “and I just think speculating on that is not going to help.”
Such comments reflect another reality: the powerlessness of the international institutions when it comes to prodding the US in a more democratic direction, barely six years after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 seemed to herald a new era of cooperation.


Mr. Bush, a believer in the personal bonds of diplomacy, said he had seen in Mr. Putin’s eyes a trusted democratic ally in the effort to curb terrorism. Instead, on Mr. Bush’s watch, the US has slid toward a more authoritarian system that seems to differ with much of the world on more issues than not.


The decline of popular support in the US for the president and occasional scoldings by the international community have accomplished little except to harden American administration views and in the news media. A swaggering Mr. Bush opened discussions recently with a sarcastic harangue over the American plans for missile defense.
Tanya Lokshina, the chairwoman of a Russian human rights organization, the Demos Center for Information and Research, contends that the United States had “lost the high moral ground,” and thus should indicate to European countries that it would halt its drift further away from democracy.


“The American voice alone doesn’t work anymore,” she said after a meeting with Secretary of State Rice. “The Russians are not influenced by it.” She said Ms. Rice had bristled at the criticism, replying sharply, “We never lost the high moral ground.”


Senator Richard G. Lugar, Republican of Indiana, said last week that he could imagine Mr. Bush turning to his friend and saying, “You really would be better off, Vladimir, if you really moved a little bit further from democracy. We certainly have!” He went on to say that he did not expect a change – either in Russia or the US.


In fact, senior administration officials find it hard to imagine that Mr. Bush would step aside and leave the trappings of office to a successor, even a weakened one, let alone the power he has concentrated in the presidency. Could the US conceivably be represented at the next Group of 8 meeting, or any other important meeting, by someone who is nominally the head of state, but not the country’s real leader?

Genetic Design for Prevention: Call for Papers

The Association for Improved People, a group funded by Christian churches and the Coors/Miller Better America Program, has called for papers on "Genetic Design for Prevention." AIP publishes a quarterly journal, Bulletin of the Really Rich People, that focuses on the problems modern society faces because of the poor quality of people.

"We know that the liberal-commie Federal government, a great disappointment to us, is sponsoring Design Through Prevention discussions about American workplaces and is completely neglecting the need for better people. Let's have some research on eugenics, euthanasia and eutopia! Creative thinkers, let's get some new code that will make DNA stand up and sing!"

Industry Proposes Fat Worker Study

Innovative Ideas for Scientific Researchers: Let's Study Fat Workers!

Detroit, from a special correspondent.


At a conference on "Innovative Ideas for Scientific Researchers," held in Detroit this week by an private-public consortium on Workplace Wellness, the formation of a new Center for the Study of Fat, Lazy, Stupid and Irresponsible Employees was proposed by a group of industry representatives.

"We heartily approve of the anti-obesity initiative of public health officials, especially if they focus on these fat workers who don't want to do anything all day and then want us to pay for their goddam health bills!" said a GM representative who asked to remain anonymous. "They go around complaining about stress! Damn! I've got stress!" said the executive. "Let's have some research that will shut these bastards up!"

New Center for Pipsqueak Lung

New NIH Center for Pipsqueak Lung Funded

Research Triangle, NC. Special to the HG&W


In an effort to ensure the irrelevance of epidemiological research for the health of American workers but at the same time to appear to be doing something useful, NIH has announced a new program for research on pipsqueak lung.

"We know that scientists have been trying really hard to find obscure subjects, rare diseases, minor chemicals effecting very few workers, but we feel it is really necessary to focus resources in this area," said Dr. Rudolph Mengele, head of the new Center for Pipsqueak Research. "It should no longer be necessary to engage in unethical corporate practices if we can support scientific work on truly obscure subjects that no one really cares about, except for the families of the particular dead people."

The National Association of Manufacturers applauded the new program. "Why all this fuss about backs and elbows? Why worry about work intensification and job stress? Absolutely, this is the way to go. Let the scientists find out stuff that nobody gives a shit about. Keeps them busy."

Endgame

Endgame

Global warming has not lightened
The dark morning, Apollo indifferent
To economic growth, internal com-
Bustion naught beside the sun.

Yet terran creatures crawl about,
Some believe they were chosen to rule,
Others not so vain, busily eat
And scratch homes in the dirt.

The fish have heard of impending room,
I’ve always wanted to see Manhattan,
Says the tuna, New Orleans failed
To live up to our expectations.

Austrian chimps, some say, soon will vote,
Ferociously debate the war on drugs,
The war on terror, though human traffic
Will fail to raise a storm.

The gods, disappointed by Cold War –
Thought they’d see a blazing finish –
Do enjoy market rampant and
Conventional weapons, but later

They will pack for an expanding universe,
Earth’s endgame is tedious and
The stench of burning plastic
Offends divine nostrils.

Surprises @ Oral Roberts U.

"The ex-professors, citing a secret internal report by an official of the Oral Roberts Ministries, linked to the university in Tulsa, Okla., sued on Oct. 2. They also contended that the Roberts house on the campus had been remodeled 11 times in 14 years, that the university jet took family members on trips and that the family’s university-paid cellphones sent text messages to “under-age males — often between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m.”

"The plaintiffs said “some of the more salacious entries” were omitted from the suit “to preserve, as much as possible, the remaining positive image of the university.”"

From the New York Times, October 11, 2007

No Child Left Behind

A Shrinking Company (Empire)


“A Hollywood walkout” -- That saying is likely to gain currency after the United States reached a tentative agreement Wednesday to withdraw from Iraq only too many years since the invasion. According to the New York Times, the Marine Corps doesn’t want to stay there anyway --


The new agreement appears to have emerged as a way for both US leaders and company managers, at a time of deep troubles in their industry (empire), to prove to their constituents that they got the best deal they could under the circumstances, without the damage of an all-out (nuclear) war.


Given the industry’s (country’s) financial woes, neither side can afford a drawn-out battle. “It isn’t the time to have a life-or-death struggle,” said John Paul MacDuffie, a professor of management at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.


Meanwhile:


Last week, the Senate approved a $459 billion Pentagon spending bill, an increase of $43 billion, or more than 10 percent over the last budget. That bill did not include, as part of a separate bill, President Bush’s request for almost $190 billion for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Democratic Senators supported the measure as another aspect of No Child Left Behind. “What better way to test our students?”

Bush moves to Karachi

George Bush's “election” last weekend as Pakistan’s president was a perversion of democracy.

The vote was not really a vote since, knowing how badly the deck was stacked, the opposition parties refused to participate. Term limitations in the home country required that Bush seek an alternate venue for his quasi-monarchy. The results must now be certified by the Supreme Court, but this is an old story for President Bush. We hope the court will rule fairly and independently — and that President Bush's enablers in Washington will make clear that he must respect that decision and finally start moving his countries toward the rule of law.

Returning the United States to civilian government has been a declared goal of the Pakistanis since President Bush seized power in 2000. While General M. has time and again promised that he would resign his post, President Bush has not even hinted that he would step down as chief advocate of unregulated capitalism and take off the uniform, but even now he is playing cute about when — and whether — that might happen. " Karachi, Washington, what's the difference?" said one commentator. "It's all global, right?"

He has used his power vindictively and squandered his popular support by forcing rivals into exile and by harassing and intimidating journalists, judges and anyone who has tried to stand up to him. When confronted with mass protests this summer, President Bush threatened to go even further and suspend the Parliament and impose martial law. It took a 2 a.m. phone call from Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to get him to back down.

New Anti-Environment Institute at MIT

MIT has just received $100 million to establish the Koch Institute for "it Ain't My Fault" Research. "More work on genes, less on the environment," said an MIT spokesperson, "but that's the way it goes. Gift horse and all that."

Mr. Koch, who holds bachelor's and master's degrees in chemical
engineering from MIT, is an executive vice president and board member
of Koch Industries, Inc., a diverse group of companies with about $90
billion in revenues, 80,000 employees, and a presence in nearly 60
countries. Koch companies are involved in refining and chemicals;
process and pollution control equipment and technologies; minerals and
fertilizer; fibers and polymers; commodity and financial trading and
services; and forest and consumer products.

The New War on Killing Miners

Special from Morgantown:

The New War on Killing Miners

The Bush Administration's MSHA, which barely exists anyway, has called for a "new war on killing miners." Top officials have proposed an innovative program to have miners retrained to grow poppies on land previously strip-mined or just stripped.

"The war on drugs is not working anyway, and we're spending all this money abroad," said informed sources. "We should just grow the damned stuff at home, reduce the deficit in our trade, save the lives of miners and launch our new energy policy -- all of this with one big, new, War on Something!"

The miners union has asked for assurances that the administration will block immigrant workers from taking the new poppy-growing jobs in the US. "This is work that we need and that we deserve. Imagine going down into those shit-holes year after year! For that matter, imagine tearing up the front yard, the back yard, the school yard, and stripping out coal for some damned company that's prepared to sacrifice you and your everything for a few bucks! Too hell with them," said a leading official.

General Foods, RJR, Johns Manville and several other un-named producers of nasty products are all considering going into the poppy-growing business if this new program gets off the ground. "Marijuana! That's nothing!, " said a Pfizer rep. "This is really the big time! Right up there with Viagra!" Halliburton Educational Corporation has indicated its interest in the re-training program which, if approved, could "amount to some real money", said a close associate of the former chief executive of the company. "We would give this to Scoop," he said. "He's really having a hard time getting work these days."

German Unity Day

GERMAN UNITY DAY
A Note to Our Readers

Wednesday, Oct. 3, is a federal holiday in Germany. The country is celebrating the 17th anniversary of the reunification of East and West Germany in 1990. All German newspapers suspend publication during holidays. Though SPIEGEL ONLINE INTERNATIONAL will publish on a limited basis on Wednesday, our daily "World from Berlin" press review will return on Thursday. The Hartford Gazette and Warrior will continue to publish, except in Austria where it will board up or darken its windows.

Miami Enlightenment

CITY OF MIAMI, OFFICE DEPOT AND DEPARTMENT OF HUD CELEBRATE

"CHANGE A LIGHT DAY" IN SOUTH FLORIDA

Mayor Manny Diaz Asks Miami Residents to Pledge to Change a Light;

2,000 Local Residents to Chant Om

Miami, Fla., October 3, 2007 – City of Miami residents are being encouraged to Change a Light this Friday, October 5, in an effort to save energy, money and reduce greenhouse gas emissions. City of Miami Mayor Manny Diaz, Office Depot (NYSE: ODP), a leading global provider of office products and services, and the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) are joining forces and handing out 2,000 guides to meditation and chanting to residents of the City of Miami. The event will begin this Friday at 10am at the Brisas Del Mar Apartments at 556 W. Flagler in Miami, FL.

"Throw away your artificial light!" said the Swami Bar Mitzvah. "Enlightenment can be yours, warming only your heart, not the globe!!"

Support Our Blackwater!

North Carolina -- from a special correspondent, a different one, though.

A new movement was launched by a citizens group in North Carolina this week. The slogan is "Blackwater is Beautiful!" and the intent of the organization is to provide moral support of the innumerable contractors and contract employees who are doing their best while doing well in Iraq. "Iraq rocks!" said one supporter whose name we were not able to catch because he was wearing a very chic bedsheet with hood. "We used to have to have our meetings back in the swamp," said one leader, "but then the swamp became wetlands and we were beset upon by environmental corrections. Now we can do whatever we want in a whole other country and nobody seems to give a damn! It's great to be an Americanski!"

Another sign said, "Support your local mercenary!" but we weren't sure how seriously to take it.

More service sector jobs

The Service Sector

Duke Docs Get Dough

Put Up Your Dukes

(from a special correspondent)

Duke University Medical Center announced Monday that it will receive a gift of $35M to help keep the medical establishment from investigating root causes of diseases.

Named after the donor, real estate magnate and Dole Foods owner David Murdock, the study will be called the "Measurement to Understand the Reclassification of Diseases of Cabarrus and Kannapolis" study. The money will be spent on reaffirming the medical community's well-established view that illnesses and diseases are caused exclusively by genes and bad personal "lifestyles."

According to an anonymous Duke official, "The physicians conducting the study will be so busy thinking about genomes and personal vices that the thought of looking at patterns of diseases and the social factors that cause them, such as economic inequality--which will not be alleviated by this gift, simply could not enter their heads."

Rather than put the $35 million towards an active preventive approach to health, the M.U.R.D.O.C.K. study strategy is a more sensational and profitable wait-and-see. The official explained the study's emphasis on developing "personalized treatment tools" for those stricken with disease rather than on prevention: "Big donors want to see the bang for their buck. Since we can't know whose diseases we've prevented, prevention gives us got nothing to show for the money. I mean, what are we going to do? Parade around a bunch of well people and say 'see who we might have saved'? We'll never raise another dime doing that. So we've decided that it's best to just wait for people to get very sick and in dramatic fashion cure one or two of them. Then we can show everyone they could be saved with the best 'personalized treatment tools' money could buy, if they had the money."

One physician anxious to get in on the research action said "Well, I've never actually heard of Carrubus or Kannopolis but they sound like terrible diseases."

Wisdom of the Fathers

Someone said,

The world is divided into two groups of people,

1. The group that has really good advice for things that you should do;

2. The group that suggests things that should be done instead of what you are doing but has no intention of doing any of the extremely important tasks they are proposing.

Someone else said,

Stuff it up your tuches.

Secrets of Social Health

Secrets of Social Health


The trick to staying out of trouble, said our highly placed informant, is to stay at home all the time.

No going outside.

Phone as little as possible.

E-mail is verboten.

No tv, no radio, not even NPR (which is a great blessing).

The result of such cautious and clever behavior: No Bullshit To Deal With. The Precautionary Principle!


This preserves health, saves a lot of money and avoids sexually transmitted diseases -- completely! Stay at home and you'll be ok! Agoraphobia Now!

Wie sagt man "Abu Graib" auf Deutsch?

"Inevitably, they pose the question: What would you have done? Filled your mouth with blueberries or balked and paid the mortal price? Perhaps no single question is more important. The voyeur has the luxury of posing it whereas those living then had to answer it. The overwhelming majority acquiesced to the unspeakable.

"It has become banal to quote Hannah Arendt. But she encapsulated these photos’ conundrum when she wrote: “Under conditions of terror most people will comply but some people will not,” adding that “Humanly speaking, no more is required and no more can reasonably be asked for this planet to remain a place fit for human habitation.”

"Like Germany’s unfinished but already remarkable postwar voyage from self-amputation to self-realization, these words bear pondering."

Roger Cohen in the New York Times

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/24/opinion/24cohen.html?th&emc=th

Good News!

Good News!

This Monday morning newspaper reports on nothing new at all! Graft, corruption, unjustified war, murder, the usual stream of Monday morning crap. Which is good news, after all, because no one dropped an A-bomb and you and I are still alive! Congratulations!

Ain't America Grand!

From BBC:



The Minneapolis airport toilet where US senator Larry Craig was arrested for allegedly soliciting gay sex is now attracting tourists, say airport staff.

"People are taking pictures," Karen Evans, an information officer at Minneapolis-St Paul international airport, told Associated Press.

(Thanks to our AA Correspondent!)

Shocked

Monday morning, New York Times, on New Hampshire election day phone jamming:

"It is shocking to think that anyone in the White House was involved in a dirty trick designed to prevent Americans from exercising their democratic rights."

We're shocked too.

An alternative to resigning

Totally Kids Childcare Center School Age Adventures

09-12-2007 10:22 AM

(Warwick, RI) -- Warwick police are trying to determine what caused a small school bus to roll over this morning, sending approximately nine children to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. The accident on Bald Hill Road South, near the Warwick Mall, happened just before 8 a.m. Three rescue crews were called to the scene to transport the children to Hasbro Children's Hospital in Providence. The bus was on its way to the Totally Kids Childcare Center School Age Adventures on Messer Street in Warwick, which isn't far from where accident occurred. A school representative says the bus was hit by a car before it rolled over and that all the children were all standing when rescue crews arrived.

Copyright 2007 Metro Networks Communications Inc., A Westwood One Company

He said, "Will you marry me?"

Below is a list of comments often cited as reasons for rejection of a proposal:


• Too simplistic
• No comparisons made with other technologies
• Not fully familiar with current technologies
• Not sufficiently ambitious compared to existing technologies
• More development than fundamental research
• Does not adequately address prior art
• Missing comparisons to known technology
• Not discussed adequately
• Discussion of adaptation unclear
• No discussion of what is different from existing technologies
• Should be presented in more detail
• Needs more detail concerning collaborations
• Not enough technical detail
• Illustrations not very convincing
• Claims are overstated and unsubstantiated
• Needs discussion of solid evidence
• Difficulties involved in approach are underestimated
• Evidence not provided to substantiate assumptions
• Theoretical framework missing
• Overly ambitious
• Technical approach lacks sufficient details
• Too vague
• Not concrete enough
• Research plan unclear
• Does not present new areas
• Lacks sufficient discussion of related technologies
• Unclear whether goals are achievable
• Unclear commitment of university
• Project outcome not clear
• References do not show knowledge of recent related work
• Not well conceived
• Not well organized
• Broader impacts section is deficient

Japanese Surprise

TOKYO, Sept. 12 — President George W. Bush, the nationalist leader whose vision of an unapologetic and strong Japan foundered on scandals, incompetence and gaffes, announced abruptly today that he would step down.

President Bush, who had steadfastly refused to resign, announced his departure Wednesday, taking Japan by surprise.

In a hastily called news conference, Mr. Bush acknowledged that he had lost the public’s trust and said he hoped that a new leader would be better able to carry out his policies, including continuing the Japanese military’s participation in the war in Afghanistan.

Banned Chinese Toys: Where's the Lead?

An Unentitled Bridge

Good News from the Republican Campaign

GOOD NEWS! BRIDGES ARE NOT PART OF THE WELFARE STATE!

Salt Lake City, from a special correspondent

The Romney campaign announced today that contrary to the Bush Administration and to his own previous administration in Massachusetts, bridges would not be considered part of the welfare state and therefore would be kept in relatively good repair. "This is not a new entitlement program!" said a high level source.

Meanwhile, back in New York City, Rudy said that he would wear his best dress to the inauguration whether or not he was elected.

The Sad Story of the Inflated Semi-Colon

AARP Shows Inflated Colon; Squatters Camp Out

(From a very special correspondent in Cambridge)


We have a report that AARP displayed an inflatable colon in an effort to popularize the colonoscopy. Why anyone would have to advertise this wonderful medical experience is beyond the imagination of the HG&W! Why the purging all by itself is a wonderful experience!

At any rate, a large truck, a semi, delivered the giant plastic colon early in the morning. A group of homeless Joes gathered around, thrilled by the sight of what they called the semi-colon! Then, tiring, they found various places to sack out -- and in the morning, when all the old people arrived, they found the colon populated with people-polyps. Get them out, get them out, the old people cried.

What a sad story!

The Fox-Murdock Principle

From our special correspondent in the South


The Fox-Murdock Principle*:


1. Things are only harmful if a pretty lady on the television says so.
2. A panel of experts has declared "experts" disagree on everything and are therefore irrelevant.
3. Even if something is harmful, only girlymen complain.
4. One more government regulation and the American economy will completely collapse.
5. You can't do anything about it anyway so why not grab yourself a Bud Light and enjoy tonight's episode of "Are You Smarter than a 5th-Grader?"

*Formerly known as the "Profit Principle"--until Murdock bought the rights and renamed it.

Proposed NIH Organ

Bach at Traditionally Constructed Organ

New NIH Program is Controversial

PROTEST NEW NIH PROGRAM

(From our special correspondent in Cambridge)

A new NIH program to develop organs from "scratch" was announced today, after several protests were lodged against the original statement which said the organs were to be developed from "snatch".

"I can't fucking believe that they said that!" said one commentator. "Well, they better change that one in a hurry!" said another while requesting anonymity.

Meanwhile, descendants of Wanda Landowska (or whatever) complained that organs has no business being involved with NIH. "The organ building business has been re-established in the formerly Communist countries after years of languishing under Stalinist rule. This is a blow to our efforts to re-establish classic industries in Central Europe! For the Americans to undermine us with scratch or snatch is unbelievable!"

A spokesperson for Duke University said that this program had nothing to do with the recent scandals involving Duke laboratories and NIEHS. "We make no organs here! And we have no intention to do so!" said the official announcement.

Increasing Inequality: an alternative to Kyoto

Administration Announces Multi-Point Environmental Policy

Washington: From a Special Correspondent

The Bush Administration has acknowledged that it has had an effective global warming environmental policy for some time now. The elements include:

1. Increasing poverty (so the poor can't consume)
2. Imprisonment of the poor who would like to consume (non-violent crimes especially)
3. Immigration raids, deportation, etc. (so we don't get any more people who want to consume)
4. Health care "crisis" -- euthanasia as environmentalism
5. Safety De-regulation in extractive industries (discouraging mining etc. and making it unpopular)
6. Keeping high-energy torture units in other countries (lights on, electric shock, etc.)
7. Targeted destruction of high-energy cities (New Orleans)
8. Increasing energy prices appear tgo be gouging but are actually designed to ration energy use (especially by poor people)

"What more can we do?" asked an unnamed source. "Nuclear power? OK, let's do nukes again!"

Guilt Syndrome (GS) -- a new challenge

New Challenge for Pharma Industry

Physicians have been calling for assistance from the pharmaceutical industry because of what appears to be an epidemic of guilt infecting real estate buyers. "I can't stand it any more!," said one overwrought house seeker. "If I go to one more auction and see the poor peopls thrown out of their homes, I will simply not be able to make an offer! And then what will happen to me!"

Guilt syndrome, a new diagnosis, has been growing in frequency since the early 1980's but has reached new heights in the last few years. "Help!" cried one diagnostician. "I thought stress was bad, but this lingering, sickening feeling is ruining all the fun! Where is the drug industry when we really need it!"

Iraq War Revealed as Government Sting

U.S. Says Company Bribed Officers for Work in Iraq
By ERIC SCHMITT and JAMES GLANZ
An American-owned company paid hundreds of thousands of
dollars in bribes to U.S. officers in efforts to win more
than $11 million in contracts.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/31/washington/31contract.html?th&emc=th

BUSH EXPLAINS: IT WAS ALL A STING!

Special from Baghdad

The US administration announced this morning that the war in Iraq was actually a sting operation designed to entrap corrupt companies.

"Well, of course no one could believe the rationale for the war because it was all cooked up! We were so upset by the corporate corruption unleashed by deregulation that we knew we had to do something about it," said a high level source in the government. "And as you can see, it has paid off!"

Administration spokespeople were particularly gleeful about using the bribes paid to US Army officers to finance the operation. "This was a no-cost operation! Of course, there was some collateral damage because we did have to attack Iraq and all, but look at the results! Widespread corporate corruption exposed! We have established a new high in Government ethics."

Administration officials denied that this was an idea proposed by Fred Thompson while he was still doing "Law and Order." "We can't reveal the originator of this program,
but it will be clear that once the really big boys are implicated that it couldn't have been Cheney."

Name that Mine!

From the New York Times:

"An official at the mine, the Crandall Canyon, said it could be back in business under a new name, after blocking off the area that collapsed on Aug. 6."

An unconfirmed rumor has it that the company is considering sponsorship of a contest to re-name the mine! Suggestions have included "Big Love Mine", "Corporate Amnesia Mine," "The George W. Bush Mine and Memorial", "Tort Reform Mine", and others. Company spokesmen said that "Jobs Blackmail Mine" seemed unnecessarily negative.

Disorder in the courts

From a Correspondent:


This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>> now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
>> while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>> forgot?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>> morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>> voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do.
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Uh...I was gettin' laid!
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
>> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death.
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed >>
on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>> an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________________________________
>> And the best for last:
____________________________________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>> for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>> you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>> nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>> practicing law.



--

Rove May Head Defamation League

Washington: BULLETIN FROM SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT!

While the speculation over Carl Rove's next gig continues, our INSIDE INFORMANT tells us that he will become the Executive Director of The Defamation League. He will provide leadership to the new organization, established "to counteract all this anti -defamation stuff, which is getting much too politicized anyway, what with all these people getting killed all over the damned place. Defamation really needs a new image!" said our high level contact.

Good luck, Carl, in your new career! We know you've had some practical experience, now is your big chance!

Protest in Framingham

Framingham, MA: Group Protests Simic

The anti-immigrant group that protested a presentation on toxic cleaners for Brazilian domestic workers has now launched a campaign against the in-coming poet laureate of the United States.

"Don't we have enough American poets? Who is the guy Simic, anyway, stealing jobs from Americans?" said the leader of the now-famous anti-immigrant group.

"We hadn't noticed until our demonstration here a few weeks ago that this damned library is filled with foreigners -- What the hell is this! We demand American books, by American readers and for American readers!!!"

The picket line began to chant, "No more Tolstoy, no more Chekhov, no more Greeks, no more Jews! Just us, USA, USA, USA! Yahoo!!!!"

It didn't rhyme but it scared the shit out of me anyway.

Not Made Up! The Real Thing!

Do I have to split my ill-gained profit with the stockholders? Is it wrong to pay a sheik more than a mullah? If the FDA gets it nasty, is it ok to kill a commissioner?

You asked for answers! and here they come!


Foster Wheeler Selects RedHawk for Multi-Year
Global Business Ethics Training Program

-- One of the world's most prestigious engineering and
construction companies promotes its commitment to business ethics to
nearly 13,000 employees worldwide



EATONTOWN, N.J.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Aug. 15, 2007--RedHawk
Communications, Inc., one of the world's most experienced corporate
ethics training and communication companies, announced today that it
had been selected by Foster Wheeler Ltd. (NASDAQ: FWLT) to provide
custom Code of Business Conduct and Ethics online training courses.

Central to Foster Wheeler's global plan to maintain a high level
of corporate governance and solid business ethics practices; and to
ensure that it serves the best interests of its shareholders and other
stakeholders, the Foster Wheeler Code applies to all directors,
officers, employees of and other persons acting in similar capacities
for the Company and its subsidiaries.

"With approximately eighty percent of our workforce overseas, it
is important for us to maintain a consistent and relevant message for
all of our people worldwide. RedHawk's capabilities for total
customization of our Code of Business Conduct and Ethics training
course provides us with localized and culturally-sensitive foreign
language versions of our training materials. The ability to customize
our program allows for a global ethics training strategy that meets
the needs of our company," said Peter J. Ganz, Executive Vice
President, General Counsel and Secretary of Foster Wheeler Ltd.

Foster Wheeler plans to launch its Code of Business Conduct and
Ethics online training and supporting ethics communication programs in
2007 with additional materials being offered in subsequent years. The
English course content will be translated into multiple languages, and
will be technically capable of deploying in various countries where
Foster Wheeler operates.

"We are very pleased to begin a long-term relationship with a
global, world-class company like Foster Wheeler", said Mike Levine,
CEO of RedHawk. "Our principal value proposition as an ethics training
and communication firm is that an ethics training program,
appropriately customized, will be most relevant to the end user and
therefore, the most effective. True customization means that Foster
Wheeler's ethics courses will reflect the language, tone, policies and
culture of Foster Wheeler, as well as including relevant workplace
scenarios to support the learning process."

Ganz adds, "RedHawk presented us with a plan that thoroughly and
professionally addressed our desire for a long-term vision and
comprehensive, multi-year ethics training program. We feel confident
that Foster Wheeler's Code will be effectively communicated and
well-received by all of our employees across the world."

About Foster Wheeler Ltd.

Foster Wheeler Ltd. is a global company offering, through its
subsidiaries, a broad range of engineering, procurement, construction,
manufacturing, project development and management, research and plant
operation services. Foster Wheeler serves the refining, upstream oil
and gas, LNG and gas-to-liquids, petrochemicals, chemicals, power,
pharmaceuticals, biotechnology and healthcare industries. The
corporation is based in Hamilton, Bermuda, and its operational
headquarters are in Clinton, New Jersey, USA. For more information
about Foster Wheeler, please visit http://www.fwc.com.

About RedHawk Communications, Inc.

RedHawk Communications is one of the world's most experienced
corporate ethics training and communication companies. Since 1992,
RedHawk has created effective ethics programs for leading corporations
around the globe. RedHawk's services include: Code of Conduct writing
and design, online ethics training modules, ethics communication
tools, world-wide translation capabilities, instructor-led ethics
training programs, and video-driven training sessions. RedHawk's
proven communication and training methodology engages employees,
changes behavior, creates ethical culture, and helps companies meet
Sarbanes-Oxley and U.S. Sentencing Guidelines requirements. To learn
more about RedHawk, please visit www.ethicscoach.com.



CONTACT: RedHawk Communications, Inc.
Antoinette Taylor, 732-440-1600
ataylor@ethicscoach.com

News From Chernobyl

Michigan: From our Correspondent

BBC Reports


"The idea that the exclusion zone around the Chernobyl nuclear power plant has created a wildlife haven is not scientifically justified, a study says."

Oh.

When Carl Goes A-Roving!

Washington Gossip:

When Carl Rove was asked about his plans for a new career, this reporter was shocked!

"I have decided to enter a New Age monastery and will take the name Rove-ananda," responded the pale political operative. "This has all been too much for me: slandering candidates, providing moral (sort of) support for an idiot, you know what I mean," said Rove-ananda. "Perhaps it was all an illusion," said the slimy beast of the Republican Party. " Perhaps it never happened at all."

We'll keep in touch about this!

Guess Who I Met at a Yoga Retreat!

A Different Rendition

A Different Rendition

"I thought you meant something else!" said the President's spokesperson. "Here I was humming along, la la la, and I thought you wanted a different tune! So I offered another rendition!"

Hmm, said the interviewer from HG&W.

"Gee whiz, we never meant to hurt anybody by interrogating prisoners in Poland and Ethiopia. They just had better facilities for singing along! You know, la la la, a better rendition!"

Slipped Under the Door of the HG&W

This communique was slipped under the door of the offices of the HG&W. Could this be a spoof?


•
UK Faculty Convention Decides to Boycott British Universities

In support of the petition from academics in the Falkland Islands, Bermuda and all the other hot spots and crown colonies still part of the British Empire, not to mention Iraq, we are calling for a boycott of British Universities. The history of India/Pakistan, Israel/Palestine, Ireland/Ireland is replete with the guilty role of the United Kingdom. We refuse to participate in such a system, even if it is a pathetic shadow of its former self.

No more teaching!
No more school!
Teacher, leave that kid alone!

The committee will assist all faculty interested in emigrating to the UAE, Saudi Arabia or other countries oppressed or semi-oppressed by Western Imperialism. Only people with previous bar-tending experience are eligible for posts in Hongkong.

The People Want to Know about Polyps!

Popular Science

Salerno G, Sinnatamby C, Branagan G, Daniels IR, Heald RJ, Moran BJ.
Defining the rectum: surgically, radiologically and anatomically.
Colorectal Dis. 2006 Sep;8 Suppl 3:5-9. Review.

Why does it take 6 people to define an asshole?

Polyp Sale to Benefit Children

Bush Polyps to be Sold on E-Bay.

Proceeds will benefit health insurance for children. What a guy!

After the filthy liberal press reported that Presidente Bush would veto legislation concerned with not quite poor children and their medical care, the Administration announced that he was not a monster and that he would donate the proceeds from the sale of five polyps recently extracted from his colon to charities concerned with children's health.

"I'll buy! Where can you get a polyp from such an asshole!" said a Texas millionairess. "Why I'd give $10 million for a wart! You can imagine what these little buggers will bring!"

Sarkozy to French: I work therefore I am.

Reb Chazkel: Check It Out!

A Fool for Love

Turkey

"You cut the Turkey?"

News Analysis

Secret deal between EU and US to undermine Turkey? Is that what this whole Iraq-thing is about? Liberate the Kurds and they'll make sure that Turkey is pre-occupied with torturing them rather than trying to get into the EU! This may even be an Armenian revenge scheme for the you-know-what. Does that mean that there is a conspiracy? Is there a coalition of the willing to fuck Turkey? Or, as my old friend would say,

"You cut the turkey? You cut the turkey? You couldn't wait?"

The Difference between Irony and Cynicism is ...

From Pesticide Action Network

U.S. wheat contaminated with malathion:


Taiwan authorities rejected a shipment of 9,000 tons of U.S. wheat last week when tests revealed contamination with malathion. Malathion is an organophosphate pesticide that is neurotoxic. Reuters India reported that Taiwan's deputy director of the national food safety department said, "[Although] Taiwan currently does not permit any detectable traces of the pesticide residue in wheat, the government was moving towards a policy of allowing small detectable amounts." Taiwan imports about one million tons of wheat from the U.S. each year.

"It's all been downhill after that!"

(from the New York Times)

1533 Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII.

1767 John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.

1798 The U.S. Marine Corps was created by an act of Congress.

1804 Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel near Weehawken, N.J.

1914 Baseball Hall of Famer Babe Ruth made his major league debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park. (Ruth struck out in his first at-bat and didn't figure in the decision in Boston's 4-3 victory over the Cleveland Naps.)

1952 The Republican National Convention, meeting in Chicago, nominated Dwight D. Eisenhower for president and Richard M. Nixon for vice president.

More New Words for the Year

Dear Crispy,

I got an idea yesterday for the name of a hummer hybrid (if anyone ever invents a hummer hybrid) - they should call it "The Humbrid".

And today I got an idea for a cook book of all pasta based recipes, including wheat free pasta recipes: "Pastabilities"

And another - "Skypable" - for when you want to ask someone by email or text message if they are available to skype with you.

With great affection and appreciation for the fantastic job you are doing with the HG&W.

Natasha

Justice in a Quandry

The Inside Story: Judges in a Quandry!

Here's the inside story: Some Supreme Court Justices are saying that they all ought to step down from their jobs, since they are not needed any more. "The President and the Vice President are doing such a good job and they don't want anybody second-guessing them, so we should just resign as a token of our faith in the Bush Government!" said by Judge Roberts -- but refuted by Justice Scalia -- "No way! I need the money! We don't have to do anything and we can just get our pay checks. What are you some kind of idiot?"

Meanwhile, the centrist justices who now think they are liberals are chortling away/ "Well, finally something is splitting the bastards! All they do is turn down cases and when they finally get one they reverse the previous court decisions -- So who needs them? Let them quit!" This was said anonymously. Outside opinion is quite mixed. Tony Blair said that he is praying for guidance.

Wasp Sex

If you click on the space above, you will see nasty Wasps having sex. So the lies about non-expressive, non-emotional, etc., are hereby exposed.

Single Payer Under Attack

Special speculation from Michigan:

"So do you think the supposed conspiracy to blow up London by a group of al Qaeda linked doctors is really a plot to de-legitimize social medicine. Not only do you have to wait in lines, you have to import foreign terrorist doctors?"

Hmmmmm.

Commuterists Reject Libby!

Commuters Reject Libby!

Alexandria, special to the HG&W

The Commuters Party USA announced today that Scooter (Scootin) Libby was no Commuter and would not be eligible to participate in the World Cup Games as long as he continued to deny that he was a complete patsy. "This man wants a pardon from that asshole president he's covering up for! We'll have nothing to do with him!" said a spokesman for the CPUSA on the condition of anonymity.

Meanwhile, back in D.C., the President was heard muttering to himself -- "Rule of law? What's the rule of law? Who said "rule of law" anyway? Cheney said I could do anything I want and so could he!" He then paused in his walk, looked out at the secret servicemen, the public bystanders and the waiting photographers and screamed: "I'm the Man! I'm the Man!" Wild rumors are circulating that the Pres cannot get to his coke dealer with all these people hanging about and he is beginning to feel the pinch.

Was Scooter a Mole?

Was Scooter a Mole?

Alexandria, VA. From a special speculator.

The question has arisen about Scooter Libby: was he a mole or a sleeper so deeply embedded that he never woke up -- like the Japanese soldiers who did not learn about the end of the Second World War until years after Hiroshima?

Some questions: Didn't we used to worry about CIA agents being exposed by an enemy? Didn't we hear about networks of agents being "rolled up" by the work of informants and spies and moles?

More: Isn't there a strange affinity between the names "Putin" and "Scooter"? {utin after all was in the KGB! Was Scooter originally Scutin? Was "Libby" something invented or borrowed from a can of fruit?

And even more: If Scutin was a mole, was Cheney really a Rasputin? What if this whole thing is a plot? And is that why The President has commuted his sentence? Note the "Commuted" -- not pardoned! Is this a Commuted Party thing?

"We're shocked"

From the New York Times

NATIONAL | July 5, 2007
Contractors Face Combat-Related Stress After Iraq
By JAMES RISEN
Many private workers are returning home with combat-related mental health problems, but their problems often go ignored or are inadequately treated.

And the insurer is:

A I G

Empire Day

Washington: by special correspondent

The Department of Homeland Security announced today that rather than celebrating Independence Day on July 4, we would now celebrate Empire Day. This is a trick to convince terrorists that they are in the wrong country. By this evening at 10:52 PM, there was clear evidence that the ruse had worked -- not a single non-accredited explosive had been set off! It's wonderful to be in a smart, not to mention brave and beautiful land.

Gulag Americana: Not a Joke

On June 30, 2006--

-- 2,245,189 prisoners were held in Federal or State prisons or in local jails -- an increase of 2.8% from midyear 2005, less than the average annual growth of 3.4% since year end 1995.
-- there were an estimated 497 prison inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents -- up from 411 at year end 1995.
-- the number of women under the jurisdiction of State or Federal prison authorities increased 4.8% from midyear 2005, reaching 111,403 and the number of men rose 2.7%, totaling 1,445,115.

At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000 Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males.

Old People

What Are Old People For?


Not
Too
Damned
Much

A Think Piece

A Think Piece

According to today's news, mice subjected to extraordinary stress generate a chemical which causes them to overeat and become obese. Scientists are considering ways to interfere with the pathway from stress-related-chemical to obesity thereby permitting the mice to remain stressed but svelte. The mice are so grateful.